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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 21/03/2012 12:00

Regardless of how many clothes the girls other parents buy them for their own homes...I think you should treat them equally in your home, no matter how long they both spend there.

One having new clothes that cost 3 times more than the other is horrible.

If you bought all the clothes with your DD beofre speaking to DH about it, then i understand why he'd be upset.

How would you like it if your DD had a step parent with her own child who did that to her? And then said well you're only here every other weekend so why should you have as many clothes?
Tell your mum to buy your clothes. Hmm

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 21/03/2012 12:02

Oh, and yes YABU to do this once a budget was agreed and the difference was so vastly noticeable to both girls.

YANBU to want to treat your own daughter, hopefully your DSD gets treats from her own mother too which obviously your DD wouldn't get from her. But remember your DH would also not be unreasonable to treat his daughter and not yours, in the same way your ex might treat yours.

It's the vast difference between spending amounts that has made the issue worse here.

And if you do let your DSD choose some things in a couple of months then remember that you DD has already had her extra things so doesn't need treating twice to make it fair.

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 21/03/2012 12:13

BTW M and M Direct sell those labels at a fraction of the price of places like Very.

Have you noticed that to buy something on your Debit card, you have to scroll right down to a very small section at the bottom of the page which has a huge section for opening a Very card to pay for things?

Dinosaurhunter · 21/03/2012 12:15

I don't think you are bu , I presume your husband pays the mother maintance for his daughter so surely clothes etc comes out of that money ?

schoolgovernor · 21/03/2012 12:36

Your stepdaughter is with you every other weekend, she doesn't live with you. Therefore, providing your husband pays maintenance, I don't see why you should be buying her clothes at all, unless as Christmas or birthday presents.

I can't see why people are saying you are unreasonable and that you should spend the same on both girls. Only one of them lives with you, and you are responsible for paying for her food, clothing etc. I think the first mistake was deciding that you were going to go out and shop for both of them for day-to-day clothing. It's up to her mum to pay for her clothes, and her dad to top it up if he wants to treat her.

sarahtigh · 21/03/2012 12:36

if its extra clothes as presents or something it needs to be equal but if DD needed new trainers as outgrown DSD does not have to have new ones to be fair

that said 300 is too much for new clothes and the discrepancy is too much

if you decided that both DD and DSD needed 3 dresses 2 pairs of trousers a pair of shorts etc if DD dress was lovely but half price you have just saved money you dont have to buy an extra item as she has what she needed fair does not always mean equal

but as both DD and DSD have another NR parent who persumably also contributes to clothes YABU if however DD dad never buys clothes but DSD mother is always buiying her clothes then maybe spending more on clothes for DD is justified but it has to be explained to DSD that she only gets one set will she has 2 sets or whatever

eppa · 21/03/2012 12:36

I think that you are BU to spend that much on clothes if money is tight!

With regards to fairness though I don't really see a problem with it - more how it has been handled.

Your daughter is with you all the time and your DSD is with you only 2 weekends a month so I wouldn't really expect her to get exactly the same as your DD. She also has another family and I am assuming her mother buys her clothes too and that your husband pays maintenance to her mother.

However I don't see why DSD really has to know how much you have spent on your DD. Could you not have got the clothes over a longer period of time or just not made a big deal of them and how much they cost in front of DSD.

As for Superdry - I have never heard of them - am I missing something??

schoolgovernor · 21/03/2012 12:40

"Regardless of how many clothes the girls other parents buy them for their own homes...I think you should treat them equally in your home, no matter how long they both spend there."
Surely that is a ridiculous proposition? So this couple should spend exactly the same on the child who lives with them as they do on one who is only there for one or two nights every other weekend? Maybe if that is the case stepdaughter's mother should give Op and her husband back however much maintenance money they think will be needed to clothe her daughter for the year, so that the can do the shopping?
If you followed the logic of this then DSD would have a full wardrobe provided because she needs to be treated the same as Op's daughter, and another full wardrobe provided in her place of residence.
Come on, that can't make sense!

BareBums · 21/03/2012 12:43

I'm a bit Hmm at this thread...
I think it's a stealth SELLING tactic to get a bunch of MNers to sign up to very!!

Where is the OP anyway?

degroote78 · 21/03/2012 12:44

Does her mother buy clothes for your daughter? She has a mum and a dad and you are entitled to buy clothes for your own daughter as you see fit so no YANBU. If her dad gives maintenance payments for her (as he should) and buys her stuff on top of that I don't see the problem! My ex has two children (my daughter and an older daughter) and when he takes them clothes shopping sometimes the older daughter gets more or my daughter does depending on what they need etc. It's not a big deal to me or either of them. If you were to take one on a family holiday and not the other, which is actual time spent together and shared memories and nothing to do with materialism, then yes I could see the point.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2012 12:44

Why has the OP name changed just for this?

Unless it's one of those daft reverse AIBUs Confused

cocolepew · 21/03/2012 12:46

YANBU your DSD is only there 2 weekends a month, I presume your DH pays maintence for her.

maras2 · 21/03/2012 12:53

No idea about Superdry either.Won't she have grown out of the clothes before you've finished paying for them?And YABU and rather unkind to DSD whether or not it's your place to buy her clothes.What does her father think?

maddening · 21/03/2012 12:57

if dsd lives with you then yabu

if dsd lives with her mother then yanbu as this is only her 2nd part time wardrobe

PenguinArmy · 21/03/2012 13:00

obviously spending much more than planned was UR

but I don't agree with the basic principle that you have to spend the same (christmas presents etc. yes) but normal stuff no. If she lived with you 100% then that's different.

and I come from a diverse family in terms of siblings, step siblings and half siblings.

pictish · 21/03/2012 13:09

I think that you buy your daughter's clothes, and your stepdaughter's mum buys hers (with financial input from your dh obviously). I can't see how you are responsible for your sd's clothes.

However....you and your dh decided on a fair and equal budget to spend on both girls at the same time, which you then totally ignored, making a big point of making sure YOUR daughter got spoilt with the chavvy Superdry jacket she wanted and a lot more besides....which certainly let everyone know where your preferences lie eh?

And on top of that, you've been bedazzled by credit offers in order to do it.

You sound impulsive and a little immature OP.

pictish · 21/03/2012 13:11

I'm not trying to be rude - I just can't think how else to put it. Sorry.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 21/03/2012 13:14

Wouldn't it be same quality/brands for both but more clothes for your DD who lives with you full time?

Personally I wouldn't be borrowing - but do a basic buy then adding as money come in - but then that is how I and DH were raised.

D0oinMeCleanin · 21/03/2012 13:16

We have a Very account. If you don't pay it off before the interest free period then they charge ridiculoud amounts of interest and you end up paying three times what the item is worth.

DH is a step father. If he did this I wouldn't just 'give him a lashing' I would leave him. However dd1 lives with us and has no biological father spending on her. Does DSD have contact with her mother?

kenhallroad · 21/03/2012 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 21/03/2012 13:31

To clarify...I say 'immature' - because as an adult, you're supposed to know that when a fair and equal amount is set aside to be spent on two kids at the same time, but then one ends up getting much more just for the sake of it, that that will cause hurt feelings for your husband and his daughter who are bound to feel snubbed.

I say 'impulsive' - because you would not have done it in the first place, had you not been sucked in by their please-give-us-far-more-money-than-you-ever-intended-to-thanks scheme.

I don't think you always have to spend the same on the girls - your sd has her own mum to buy her clothes - but on this occasion the equal amount was agreed and should have been stuck to. I think.

HipHopOpotomus · 21/03/2012 13:35

I don't think YABU - does DSD not have another parent who also buys her clothes in addition to the ones you buy her (i.e. the parent she spends 12 out of 14 days living with?). Whereas you will be the sole provider of clothing for DD?

When you say DSD has a 'full' wardrobe at yours, presumably that is clothing for the 2/14 days she is with you, so of course she will have less clothes at yours than DD.

But I do think YABU to overspend after you had reached an agreement, and get credit to buy excessive clothes for your DD.

LIZS · 21/03/2012 13:38

2 issues

  • you didn't stick to the agreement, or perhaps have any intention of doing so, after all there is a big difference between £80 and £300
  • you need some help on budgetting Hmm . Just because you can spread over 12 months doesn't mean you can afford it any mroe than if you paid straight away. Interest will accumulate after that and the prices are ott in the first place to allow for such "deals". Send some of the stuff back.

yabu

Chattymummyhere · 21/03/2012 13:39

I think YABU for spending so much.

YANBU for spending more on your DD who lives with you full than DSD who stays 2nights every 2weeks!

To those saying the op is BU for spending differently can you honestly say everytime your BIO child needed new underwear or new shoes you would go out and spend to the exact penny the same on your step child? God forbid your child had a school trip at £400 you would then have to give step child £400! to make it fair!

smartiesrule · 21/03/2012 13:45

YABU. I feel sorry for your DSD.
By the way, is this some sort of advert for Very (love the way you put .co.uk as well) or for Superdry? If it is, it's not a very good one.