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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am, for spending more money on my DD than my DSD..

267 replies

hilarydoe · 21/03/2012 10:53

WW3 at home, apparently I am being unreasonable because both our girls (my dd and my DSD who stays with us every other weekend) needed wardrobe overhauls. DH and I decided that we'd spend around £80 each because money's been a bit tight recently because his hours have decreased.

Anyway, I recently signed up to very.co.uk and got a rather large credit limit. I decided that as my DD hasn't been treated much recently I would blow the budget and ended up spending around £300 on her new wardrobe Blush

I didn't think it was a big deal as it's no actual outlay of money yet! and I got it on "pay nothing for 12 months" so we can pay it off monthly with no interest for the year. Bless her, DD even said she's use some of her pocket money to pay it off each month as there was one thing she really wanted that I didn't think was that essential. (Damn Superdry!)

Anyway, I've started WW3. DSD is sulking because her clothes aren't as nice as DDs and she didnt get as treated as DD did.

I think I might be being a bit unreasonable but I don't think I deserve this lashing!

OP posts:
DodieSmith · 21/03/2012 11:29

Surely this is a reverse AIBU?

OhChristFENTON · 21/03/2012 11:29

It's stepmother's like you that give the rest of us a bad name.

MeDented · 21/03/2012 11:29

I think it is just the timing of this shopping binge that has made it a bit off. Your DSD will also have a wardrobe at Mum's house and presumably her mum doesn't buy for your DD when she buys clothes for DSD so it would be silly to expect you to spend the same on the 2 girls all the time. But in this case you had already agreed both girls could get £80 so you should have stuck to that and then got DD some extra clothes a few weeks later without making a deal of it in front of DSD. Perhaps let DSD choose an extra item she really really wants as a peace offering?

griphook · 21/03/2012 11:32

I think yabu to go over budget by so much money, but I don't think yabu to spend more on your dd, purely because her mum must be buying her clothes aswell, and therefore if you didn't buy you dd more clothes, then you dsd would have more clothes so that wouldn't be fair either. BUT the difference is the pure amount you have spent on one in one go.

BaDumTish · 21/03/2012 11:33

YANBU to spend more money on your own daughter, unless your DSD's mother always buys the same for both girls the you are BU.

I don't see why it is your responsibility to clothe your DSD, doesn't her mother do that?

Jins · 21/03/2012 11:33

How much does £300 work out to after interest payments?

I think that if I was your DH and we'd agreed a budget for each girl the implication was very much that equal amounts were to spent and that there was a limit. I'd be really unimpressed with spending twice what I'd agreed if things have been tight and even more unimpressed that it will probably cost over £400 once you finally paid it off.

The unfairness I can't really comment on. I have no idea what the agreed responsibilities are, however on the face of it it does seem mean

TheBigJessie · 21/03/2012 11:35

So, it's interest-free. Doesn't make the clothes entirely free. You spent nearly 4 times your original budget on your biological daughter, while sticking strictly to budget for the step-daughter.

I would expect your husband to be pretty incandescent, even if the extra spending had been fairly apportioned. As it is, I can't imagine how he must be feeling, nor your poor step-daughter.

LydiaWickham · 21/03/2012 11:35

Send some of the stuff back to Very - 1)you shouldn't be spending £300 on your DD, she will not need it all unless she's walking around in rags, if you have to put it on credit that will take you a year to pay off then you can't afford it. It doesn't matter how much someone will lend you, it matters what you can afford to pay for!

  1. I don't think you should spend exectly the same on both girls, your DSD will presumably have most of her clothes bought for her by her mother and the wardrobe at your house has to only be enough for 2 days a fortnight, not all the time. e.g. I would assume if your DSD arrives wearing a coat that her mother paid for, she'll wear that all weekend, not put it away and wear one you've bought her until she goes home. I would also assume she doesn't arrive in bare feet. Shoes and coats seem to be the biggest single item costs, and she won't need the same quanity of socks/pants/jeans/t-shirts as your DD (although I'd argue the same quality is important), she just won't get the wear out of them unless you send them back to her mother's house.

  2. You should have had this conversation with your DP before you bought anything, while it's understandable your DD might need more things than your DSD, it's not ok for you to sit there, agree the family budget is £160 and then spend £380. Either you need to spend that amount, or you don't. Buying things on Very isn't time sensitive, you could have discussed it before you placed the order. It's not like you were in a shop and just bought it there and then, online ordering allows for putting things in the basket and discussing it like adults before hitting 'buy'.

  3. A wardrobe overhaul on growing girls at exactly the same time is silly, having an £80 each budget doesn't mean you should buy things right now, each girl will grow at different speeds, if you spend the money in one hit to be 'fair' then if either DD or DSD has a growth spurt, you'll have to do it all again.

  4. superdry is shit.

Jins · 21/03/2012 11:36

Oh I missed the interest free bit. Only for 3 months though! Be careful

Kayano · 21/03/2012 11:36

I'm just shocked at the shitty money management!

picnicbasketcase · 21/03/2012 11:37

My DC are 10 and 4 and apparently unfashionable - wtf is Superdry, I thought it was a cheap hairdresser.

Anyway, YABU and I suspect you already knew that.

BigTeuchLittleTeuch · 21/03/2012 11:39

It was rather silly really - from going mad on one child and not another to getting into debt over some silly labels Confused

I know it is a bit judgey, but you are really not setting a good example of managing finances to your teenager! Whatever happened to saving up for the things you really 'want' but are not essentials?

This one is gonig to come back around and bite you on the bum so many times, starting from the first time your DD doesn't pay her pocket money into your account...

Chilenachica · 21/03/2012 11:40

I've had this, OH can't grasp the fact that spending X on both means just that, and having a No Lables policy, or only 6 items, should apply to both, or all, children. If I were your OH I would be leaving you to sort it out, because I hadn't caused the situation.

If it had been a small difference you could have got away with it, but not 300/80. That is UR, IMO

thegreylady · 21/03/2012 11:40

Why on earth would dsd's mum buy for DD? She is not dd's stepmum! It is more relevant that op's dh is dsd's dad and has a right to expect his DD to be treated equally with dsd. Maybe the op's daughter is bought stuff by her dad too?

altinkum · 21/03/2012 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LimeLeafLizard · 21/03/2012 11:44

'Surely this is a reverse AIBU?' That occurred to me, too...

OP, YABU.

altinkum · 21/03/2012 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jins · 21/03/2012 11:46

I can't believe how much credit this website will give. I've just got £1500. Absolutely ridiculous :(

badtasteflump · 21/03/2012 11:47

YABU - to spend a huge amount more on one DC than the other - and for spending £300 on clothes when 'money's been a bit tight' - and for spending it at Very - who are overpriced anyway. In your situation I would have been trawling the charity shops and discount stores such as Primark for the essentials, then looking on ebay for good secondhand Superdry stuff.

LtEveDallas · 21/03/2012 11:48

God, If you'd gone slightly over I could understand it - like others have said DSDs mum should also be buying her stuff, but to more than triple the budget is seriously unreasonable (and irresponsible).

I do think you need to send some of this stuff back ad accept that whoever it is giving you grief for your actions is actually in the right.

differentnameforthis · 21/03/2012 11:49

Do kids need a 300 pound wardrobe Hmm

If you had to insist on laying out that much, it should have been done equally!

Morloth · 21/03/2012 11:50

You spent £300 that you don't actually have on kids clothes? Seriously?

What a stupid thing to do.

differentnameforthis · 21/03/2012 11:52

I don't see why it's your responsibility to buy clothes for your dsd

Dsd's father agreed to fund a new wardrobe, so he was taking responsibility & op makes it sound like she felt it was their job in this instance.

It's just that op thought her dd was more important deserved more!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 21/03/2012 11:56

How old are both girls and who is giving you the 'lashing'?

Realistically, you are paying £25.00 per month to pay off the £300 over 12 months.

And your daughter is paying £10.00 per month of her pocket money to pay for some mysterious 'SuperDry' item (no idea what SuperDry is), so £120 over the year.

So that's £15.00 per month from you for the rest of the clothes for the remaining £180 over the year.

Was the original £80.00 budget for your DD included in part of the £300, meaning you spent £220 over budget on your DD or was the £300 in addition to the original £80.00 agreed? Because if the £80.00 was included in the £300 then if you knock that off too you have only spent £100 more on your DD than on your DSD rather than £180.

And so perhaps the fair thing to do, if she has had £80.00 already spent on her would be to let her choose a some things herself from the Very account once you have paid off a bit of the balance. Perhaps say that she can wait a month or two for the summer line to come out and pick a few things then, on the same terms as your DD if she wants to go over the £100 (or £180 depending on your overspend), by paying a bit of her pocket money towards something she really wants as well.

megapixels · 21/03/2012 11:58

I don't know what superdry is (sounds like a glue) but I can't understand why people do this. Spend money they don't have on new clothes I mean. I thought loans are taken to cover unexpected emergencies or essentials, or maybe that's an old fashioned view. So YABU just for that.