To wish our au pair would 'understand' our toddler a little more

[deliakate]

We have a new-ish ap, and whilst she is fabulous with our baby and helpful around the house, she is struggling a bit with our 2.7 yo son.

At first she spent her time making a huge fuss of the baby, and pretty much ignoring our son. He noticed this of course, so I spoke to her about it. She said she found it very hard as he often rejected her attempts to play with him. I did say that she just has to persevere and since then there have been some breakthroughs. But she still becomes quickly cross with him, and can be quite petty in response to his typical toddler power games.

Of course she is not trained in child development and doesn't really understand about their stages. But I think a lot could be helped if she were more animated and expressive, making silly faces or something so she got a laugh from him. I have tried to explain, but..... if I was being unkind, I would say that she really doesn't like children..... But I'm not. Its more that she doesn't know how to relate.

During her off duty time, its very noticeable. She never really goes out, but hangs around downstairs in the house - which is fine, of course. But during that time, she is pretty much expressionless and ignores me and the children. I would love her to have a big smile for my son when she sees him throughout the day, but it just doesn't happen.

AIBU to expect more? She doesn't have sole care of him or the baby. And he is not Damien, he's just a normal boy!! I think I could put up with it balanced against the home help she provides, were it not for the fact that he is clearly upset and affected by the change in circumstances - he's playing up a lot more, attention seeking, and feeling 'cross', as he puts it.

I think you're asking too much. Forget training in child development, APs my friends have had did not have any experience with children whatsoever. Sometimes it worked out and they learned, sometimes it didn't.

Tbh it would bother me more that she has no life and is hanging around the house all the time. From what you say, it sounds like she's not that happy so maybe you should broach that subject with her?

Really, I'm asking too much for smiles and jollity for a (sometimes) cute little boy from a lady who has come to our home expressly to help out with him?

I've tried to encourage her to go out, spoken to her about it few times, and showed her where lots of things are. Also, she is through an agency who have local meet ups and nights out, but she just doesn't fancy it.

It sounds to me that she is homesick. Been there and done that, it can be very depressing. Perhaps she just is plain unhappy.

YANBU, if she has no time for children she shouldn't be an Au pair, regardless of whether they are trained or not. You have an arrangement and she isn't fulfilling her side. I wouldn't leave her in sole charge of the dc if she gets cross so easily.

Yabu you are paying for an au pair not a qualified nanny.

I think she can make more of an effort with your toddler but YABU to expect her to be all smiley, happy family stuff when she is off duty.

Yanbu- it sounds like she just has no natural effinity for children, what a shame for you ds. Difficult for you.

She sounds unhappy. Unhappy people are not jolly and smiley.

YABU, she can do what she wants (with her facial expressions) in her off-duty time and she's not a nanny. You also say she's improved. My "normal" relaxed face isn't naturally really smiley and maybe she appears expressionless for a similar reason.

But if she is being harsh to your son you would not BU if you wanted to teach her ways of dealing with him that you find more appropriate.

She's probably not going anywhere because she doesn't know anybody and can't afford to go do anything. Poor girl sounds a bit depressed and must be so lonely, she's a young girl not a performing monkey, doesn't sound like she has any reason to smile.

How does everyone seem to know that she's paid peanuts and has no money to go out? How much are you paying her, OP? I would say if you're paying her a reasonable AP wage - it's not OK.

Aren't Au Pairs normally paid peanuts then?

Well this is the problem with Au Pairs - it's a risk because they are mainly young girls wanted to live in a new city, learn the language and most likely have little experience of working with children. Some, of course, are great. Others, like yours, are simply not interested in kids.

My friend had a very, very similar expereince. She found it soul destroying and her little boy became introverted and anxious because the AP was not giving him any positive attention. My friend said she felt absurd exlaining to the AP that she should smile when talking to her ds. But finally she realised it wasn't going to happen and it was damaging her son. She got rid and got a nanny.

I'm paying her more than the going rate. She isn't a young girl either, she is 26. She has a boyf back home, which may not help.

Proudnscary, how old was your friend's son? How long did they give it?

I do feel sorry for her, and would give her more of a chance, but the idea it will damage DS kills me.......

What is the going rate and what are you paying her OP ?

why don't you get a nanny if you want someone who is able to cope with your toddler? I have never really understood the whole au pair thing, is it because you can't afford a nanny? or is it because you want her to do cleaning etc as well as look after the children? I genuinely don't know. I could not have afforded a nanny but i could not have had an unqualified person look after my DD either.

Im going to get flammed for this, but i don't actually care

"he's playing up a lot more, attention seeking, and feeling 'cross', as he puts it."

Maybe he just wants his mum

YANBU but it may be that she just doesn't get toddlers. A friend of mine has a 2 year old dd and I have a 4 year old DS and an 18 month dd. she totally 'gets' my dd (same gender as her dd and similar aged) but doesn't interact with my DS. She's commented things like 'he's so naughty' (he wasn't really). I think it's just lack of experience of older children and perhaps different gender.

You might want to think about changing to a nanny?

If you feel it is detrimental to your children let her go

She's not having sole care, so she's not a cheap nanny substitute. DH works a lot and I am at home alone from wake up to bedtime (I do go out, obv). So I wanted a companion for us all who could help out at meal times, bath times, times I need to make a phone call or go to the loo etc. The babysitting is helpful too - she does about 3 nights per week. A nanny wouldn't do that, and most don't want shared care anyway. I don't want to leave my kids with someone, just have someone to keep me company and lend a hand.

Goawaybob - I am always there.

please ignore my last post delia, i assumed, wrongly, that the au pair was in sole care of the children - my apologies

Does she have any experience with children?