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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish our au pair would 'understand' our toddler a little more

154 replies

deliakate · 19/03/2012 18:52

We have a new-ish ap, and whilst she is fabulous with our baby and helpful around the house, she is struggling a bit with our 2.7 yo son.

At first she spent her time making a huge fuss of the baby, and pretty much ignoring our son. He noticed this of course, so I spoke to her about it. She said she found it very hard as he often rejected her attempts to play with him. I did say that she just has to persevere and since then there have been some breakthroughs. But she still becomes quickly cross with him, and can be quite petty in response to his typical toddler power games.

Of course she is not trained in child development and doesn't really understand about their stages. But I think a lot could be helped if she were more animated and expressive, making silly faces or something so she got a laugh from him. I have tried to explain, but..... if I was being unkind, I would say that she really doesn't like children..... But I'm not. Its more that she doesn't know how to relate.

During her off duty time, its very noticeable. She never really goes out, but hangs around downstairs in the house - which is fine, of course. But during that time, she is pretty much expressionless and ignores me and the children. I would love her to have a big smile for my son when she sees him throughout the day, but it just doesn't happen.

AIBU to expect more? She doesn't have sole care of him or the baby. And he is not Damien, he's just a normal boy!! I think I could put up with it balanced against the home help she provides, were it not for the fact that he is clearly upset and affected by the change in circumstances - he's playing up a lot more, attention seeking, and feeling 'cross', as he puts it.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 19/03/2012 23:53

I suspect however, as this is not the only thread about this the OP has going, that she would be very difficult to please as there are other issues going on. I don't really think the OP would be happy with anyone looking after her children and doesn't really need it, would in fact be better off without it

Reads other threads. Suggests other posters do same.

lesley33 · 19/03/2012 23:54

where are they?

Whatmeworry · 19/03/2012 23:59

Best is to search the OP's name....

lesley33 · 20/03/2012 00:00

Thanks

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 20/03/2012 00:11

havent read other threads so taking this one at face value

I live overseas where unqualified, full time "in your home" childcare is the norm, even for FT WOHP. I know one person who has a qualified nanny and no-one uses nurseries (there aren't any). I would say

  • Whilst expectations are key, and you have to be realistic I think some expectations are reasonable. I don't expect my nanny (term used loosely) to be an educator/ to be au fait with the early years curriculum, but I do expect her to actually enjoy working with children, which she does, and use common sense, which she does, so that works out well.
  • I think sole care is easier in some ways for them, as Lesley says, as they don't feel they're under scrutiny the whole time and it's easier for them to be natural. Also, yes, if I'm there, my son clings to me/ wants me to read or play with me, but when I go out to work, he's absolutely fine with my nanny. OP How does your au pair react if you say you're going out? Does she look relieved or does a look of panic cross her face?
SodoffBaldrick · 20/03/2012 00:20

If you can stretch the purse strings a little bit, it might be worth getting a Mother's Help instead of an au pair - this is actually what we had.

They have at least a year's experience and it sorts the wheat from the chaff in two ways...

  1. They've got some childcare experience, obviously
  2. They know the drill, they've done it for a while and they're OK with it. It's not their first time living with a family - they know what that's all about and they're fine with it. They're also unlikely to be crippled with home-sicknesses, or they'd have given the whole idea up, rather than go back for more.

It's not that much more expensive to pay a MH's wages than an AP.

BrightnessFalls · 20/03/2012 00:37

Do you go out to places as a group? was it your idea to get an AP? I just think maybe she is homesick. Perhaps you could go swimming or to soft play, something that encourages interaction? Could your budget stretch to getting her a gym membership so that she can meet people?

Ripeberry · 20/03/2012 01:20

Pay peanuts get a monkey. If you are that bothered get a proper nanny and stop complaining!

Fraktal · 20/03/2012 02:44

I think she is fundamentally just not a child friendly person and that is not going to improve.

We have a nanny/AP hybrid (she has sole charge and some experience but works PT, is paid double what an AP would get and we live overseas and the language/culture/family component is a big part of it) and whilst she's happy to be silly in front of us she's an extremely extrovert person which your AP doesn't seem to be.

This arrangement isn't making either of you happy when it's supposed to beneficial for both of you. Get someone who actually wants to be an AP and likes toddlers/preschoolers.

SodoffBaldrick · 20/03/2012 04:19

God, some of you are being so rude about au pairs...

They're not 'monkeys'. Hmm Some of them are amazing girls who work hard, are a delight to be around and care very much for their charges.

Some are brilliant at their job, some are OK at it, and some couldn't care less; pretty much like you'll find in any job.

ettiketti · 20/03/2012 04:23

She sounds awful....can't cook or entertain your son....the two things surely at the top of your list...? Cut your losses, try another imo

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 20/03/2012 06:35

It's perfectly reasonable for you to have an au pair in your set up. But you have the wrong girl. She shouldnt be hanging around with you all day and she certainly shouldnt be miserable, and she needs to be able to cook.

I don't like to nationally stereotype, but I notice you mention she is French. I have found German au pairs not only to be really organised and efficient, but lovely, smiley, friendly, active and social - a real pleasure to have in the house and people we maintain friendships with after they leave. And I notice round here everyone seems to have a German girl....

Whatmeworry · 20/03/2012 07:24

Read the OPs other threads, it's probably not the AP. There are other ishoos....

'nuff said....

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/03/2012 08:03

There is other stuff going on in OPs life, but I can't see why that means she IBU here. They are separate things, unless I'm missing something.

Asamumnonsense · 20/03/2012 10:19

I was an AuPair from France years ago and I was paid 30 pounds a week to take care of a toddler and a 18 months old, nearly full time. The couple expected so much from me that it got me depressed and felt so isolated coming from another country. I had the usual family experience of children and same as your pair I had no issues with the baby but found it really difficult to deal with the toddler, his tantrums, terrible twos, etc.. so I looked after him but was always anxious and worried about him kicking off. I felt it wasnt my place to deal with these and I didnt have the 'know how'. It took time but we got there in the end. Depending on how easy or difficult your son is, may be show her how to deal with the rejection and help her persevere by spending some time the three of you. You seem reasonable but I think expecting her to make silly or funny faces to your child is a bit ridiculous. She should be able to be herself in your home and act as naturally as she feels.

Original poster
deliakate · 20/03/2012 11:35

Thanks for all the helpful comments. Not sure about the muckraking, seems a bit NOTW worthy. I just want the best for my children and don't see how the fact that I don't have (or don't pretend to have) the perfect life should preclude my endeavouring to provide it. I certainly can accept be happy with someone looking after my children. We have a nanny housekeeper who has sole care of them both for 8 hrs pw, but she's unable to do more hours with us as she has commitments elsewhere. She is fantastic, love her to bits.

OP posts:
GinPalace · 20/03/2012 11:48

I'm not sure where your hesitation is coming from. You have a cleaner so not desperate for her to do that, she can't cook, so not much help there, and she is unsettling your son and causing you to worry. Whatever benefit she was brought in to bring doesn't seem to be happening.

You can terminate the arrangement with her, even pay her lots of notice and give her a great reference. What is stopping you? :)

Original poster
deliakate · 20/03/2012 11:56

She is a nice girl, and I guess I just feel sorry and hesitant about rejecting her. She came through an agency, so I think they would handle it all, and probably rematch her - its just awkward.

OP posts:
GinPalace · 20/03/2012 11:59

fwiw - some people just don't have an affinity with kids and toddlers especially. I was like this - even with my own nieces and nephew - until I had my own.
I have friends in their 30's who would view a toddler as second best to an alien and have about as much of a clue how to interact.
It seems obvious to us parents they are just people, albeit young and in need of guidance - but for many they may as well be from another planet.
Sounds like she is a fish out of water. Might be kinder all round to call it a day. :)

GinPalace · 20/03/2012 12:02

It must be awkward - no doubt. Rejection is hard to take but even harder to deliver!
You can chat to her about it and explain you have to put your children first. Even if she doesn't understand now she will if she has her own children one day and she will look back and see it in a different light.
Like many of lifes experiences hindsight is a marvellous thing and even the rejection will teach her something about herself and others - even if it is just that she doesn't get on with toddler boys. Grin
Honesty is always the best policy. Good luck.

valiumredhead · 20/03/2012 12:06

It sounds like she needs some time with him on her own OP. It is very hard having the mother hovering around in the back ground - hard for the child AND the au pair. She needs to be allowed to take him to the park etc for short periods at the very least. Your ds needs to see you that trust this person. I would bet my bottom dollar she is fed up and miserable and feels stifled. I did a year with a mum at home on maternity leave and it nearly killed me and I was a very experience, qualified nanny.

perceptionreality · 20/03/2012 12:12

I think that if you want the best for your children, you'd be better off finding a well qualified nanny, not an au pair...

valiumredhead · 20/03/2012 12:28

There are few nannies who don't want sole charge though. Maybe a mother's help would be more suitable, someone older who has had kids herself or lots of experience?

Original poster
deliakate · 20/03/2012 12:31

Thanks GP. I will need a gin or a valium first.
I did leave her alone with DS for 10 mins once whilst I walked around the block to get baby to sleep - I came back and he was screaming for me, which is fine, but she was screaming at him "stop it, don't cry, stop it". I just don't want to risk her feeling out of her depth and the situ going more mental. I asked him today whether he likes ap, and he immediately said "no, she says I am bad boy", so that's clearly his take home message from her.
I think a nanny would be a ridiculous expense however, when I really don't need someone to do sole care - most nannies don't even want shared care in any case, and I'm sure they'd balk at hanging out the odd load of my washing, or chopping up the veg for my supper. My children want me, I'm sure I am the best for them. But I need some support with practical things, and just would like the person providing this to be a bit more child friendly.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 20/03/2012 12:31

I think you need someone confident and extrovert for this type of job - whether an au pair or mother's help. I turned down a job like this many years ago when I was 22 as I knew I wasn't confident enough to be silly, etc in front of the mother who I didn't know. I think I was great at looking after DCs by myself though, but not confident and extrovert enough for this type of job.