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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish our au pair would 'understand' our toddler a little more

154 replies

deliakate · 19/03/2012 18:52

We have a new-ish ap, and whilst she is fabulous with our baby and helpful around the house, she is struggling a bit with our 2.7 yo son.

At first she spent her time making a huge fuss of the baby, and pretty much ignoring our son. He noticed this of course, so I spoke to her about it. She said she found it very hard as he often rejected her attempts to play with him. I did say that she just has to persevere and since then there have been some breakthroughs. But she still becomes quickly cross with him, and can be quite petty in response to his typical toddler power games.

Of course she is not trained in child development and doesn't really understand about their stages. But I think a lot could be helped if she were more animated and expressive, making silly faces or something so she got a laugh from him. I have tried to explain, but..... if I was being unkind, I would say that she really doesn't like children..... But I'm not. Its more that she doesn't know how to relate.

During her off duty time, its very noticeable. She never really goes out, but hangs around downstairs in the house - which is fine, of course. But during that time, she is pretty much expressionless and ignores me and the children. I would love her to have a big smile for my son when she sees him throughout the day, but it just doesn't happen.

AIBU to expect more? She doesn't have sole care of him or the baby. And he is not Damien, he's just a normal boy!! I think I could put up with it balanced against the home help she provides, were it not for the fact that he is clearly upset and affected by the change in circumstances - he's playing up a lot more, attention seeking, and feeling 'cross', as he puts it.

OP posts:

SimoneD · 19/03/2012 21:40

Im not sure I get this delia
You already have a cleaner, youre home with the kids all the time - so why do you need an au pair? Sounds like she's just mooching around all day with nothing to do, no wonder she's miserable.
Do you really need all this help?

MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2012 21:41

i was wondering the same thing goawaybob

regardless of why you need an au pair, i also think she is just not suitable for the family, i do see what you mean, my DS is the same age and just wants to be kind to everyone, i think if someone is looking after him and not interacting then i would be pissed off. i would try someone else.

lesley33 · 19/03/2012 21:45

The reason many qualified nannies won't take on jobs where the mum is at home is because they say it can be very difficult - much more than sole care. The kid just wants to be with their mum, the nanny can feel like they are being watched all the time by the mum and the nanny can feel she has no say or authority at all in how things are done.

I am not saying this kind of situation can't work, but imo you need to be a pretty confident outgoing au pair to make this work. I really don't think this is an easy job. So perhaps get another au pair, but purposefully look for someone who is confident and outgoing?

Goawaybob · 19/03/2012 21:47

I was just wondering if the OP was struggling to cope and was looking for support etc, do you have family nearby?

lesley33 · 19/03/2012 21:54

tbh I don't think the OP needs to justify why she wants help.

Goawaybob · 19/03/2012 21:58

not justify but understand her own reasons for wanting people around. Fuck, there is no justification for wanting a cleaner, id have one if i could afford it, and a cook But i would be uncomfortable with an au pair - not because she would be looking after the children, just because she is being around.

Having looked at some of the other posts you have made OP, i have to ask if you are ok?

fionabruise · 19/03/2012 22:08

"Of course she is not trained in child development and doesn't really understand about their stages. But I think a lot could be helped if she were more animated and expressive, making silly faces or something so she got a laugh from him."

ooh sorry but the way you worded this made me flinch a bit--can just imagine being an aupair in your front room being observed and judged into facial paralysis

MrsBeakman · 19/03/2012 22:13

Thing is if she were on her own with your son she probably would relax enough to be natural with him. I imagine your au pair might feel a bit like i felt when i stayed with my MIL. Always watched and having my parenting skills always judged and commented on. It felt like i was having to put on a performance and I found it really hard to relax and act how i normally would with my dd.

Mrbojangles1 · 19/03/2012 22:15

What do you want you likey paying this girl all of £90 a week if you want a professional get a many but then of course your looking about about £300 a week

Their is only on reason people get au pairs who are largely untrained and usually some girl who is studying ....is the price

Like somone else said if you pay peanuts you get a monkey

Proudnscary · 19/03/2012 22:20

Delia - my friend's son was three. They gave it about six months I think. She was tearing her hair out in the end - she's such a lovely person and was determined to resolve it (she was also concerned the AP was unhappy too). But she coulnd't and imo (and hers with hindsight) she let it carry on too long.

VelmaDaphne · 19/03/2012 22:23

Given that you don't actually need anyone to look after your kids, and your au pair seems to be upsetting your toddler, I can't think of a good reason to keep her on to be honest. It seems like a lot of money to spend to be unhappy!

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2012 22:34

Why should the OP have to justify giving someone a job, ffs!

Surely in these harsh economic times it's good to share money around in that way.

OP, she sounds a pain in the arse. If she can't smile at your son, I'd tell her that she's in the wrong job and that you want a change. Give her notice and get someone in who loves being with little children.

Goawaybob · 19/03/2012 22:38

The OP is not being an altruist and sharing her wealth, she is paying someone for a service. She is not happy with the service so is entitled to look for alternatives. I suspect however, as this is not the only thread about this the OP has going, that she would be very difficult to please as there are other issues going on. I don't really think the OP would be happy with anyone looking after her children and doesn't really need it, would in fact be better off without it.

ariadne1 · 19/03/2012 22:46

'Surely in these harsh economic times it's good to share money around in that way.'

This left me speechless!! Sharing her money around! she is paying slave wages for someone to cook clean and babysit for her, she's not bloody Mother Theresa!

nappymaestro · 19/03/2012 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilikecandyandrunning · 19/03/2012 22:56

I would really be careful here - this ap doesn't sound good for your son at all and in the long run it won't be good for him. Let her go and find someone else for the sake of your boy. When you find an engaging and warm ap who is good with your boy you will feel a weight lifted. Think of your son. Get rid of her, she is not right for your house.

maraisfrance · 19/03/2012 22:56

Haven't read the whole thread, only your OP and subsequent post. Having had several aps over the years, great ones, middling and awful, I would say, DUMP HER NOW if you have any doubts. Honestly, if she's not settling in and making a go of it, and you have to work so hard at it, it's not going to work out. Short term hassle to get a replacement, long term gains. Be decisive.

ilikecandyandrunning · 19/03/2012 23:00

Also - like someone said up thread - you get what you pay for. If you cam afford childcare at least pay for GOOD childcare not for a cheap ap who knows nothing about looking after kids. You are not helping your children by doing this. You get what you pay for.

maraisfrance · 19/03/2012 23:01

And mrbjangles - that is a stupid and insulting remark, I've had au pairs who were very keen, creative and dedicated and doing the job as a good grounding in the career they wanted to build in childcare in their home countries. Not monkeys at all, you stupid, stupid person. I have also paid nannies four times what I was paying an au pair, and had a poor service.

xmyboys · 19/03/2012 23:01

I think you should try and get another AP.
This is just not a good fit.
We have had aupairs in the past, not all worked out but those that did had genuine interest and joy being with the children.
She doesn't and don't think it will change.
Always have a certain time period/ few weekd on a trial, you will know soon enough if she will be the extra pair of hands you need.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/03/2012 23:05

All live in expenses paid and £90 cash pw for 25 hours is NOT 'slave wages' FFS.

DeliaKate - give her notice, she isn't fitting in with your family. If you look for another Au Pair, make sure you meet her first and see how she interacts with your DS. ANY adult chosing to live in a home with a toddler should be able to interact with them on their level - in or out of 'paid' hours.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 19/03/2012 23:10

There are lots of lovely French girls that have a lovely life back home but liked the idea of spending a year or two in England with a family who she could help out while getting an opportunity to see the country. I think you should get a new Au Pair, who will fit in with your family more. This girl is living in your house and spending a lot of time around your children. How can it not be important to make sure you have the right person?

Whatmeworry · 19/03/2012 23:18

I don't see the point of au pairs. It sounds more hassle than help - I would rather have a daily housekeeper to clean, iron and prepare meals - freeing me up to "get on the kids level and have fun with them"

They are brillant if both parents work, tbh I think babies and toddlesr are not their metier though, as they are untrained.

I must say this sounds like a bit of a nightmare au pair job to me - with the mum around all the time, the kids naturally want to be with their mother, no clear role for the au pair.

I agree.

helenlynn · 19/03/2012 23:22

its during those times ds is so crushed when she ignores him bringing her a flower or telling her something sweet
Oh poor ds! In most circumstances it's rude and unfriendly to ignore someone who speaks to you or brings you something, whether they're a child or an adult, unless they themselves are rudely butting in or you're busy concentrating on something important. I think that acceptable behaviour for someone sharing your (one's) home has to include a basic level of politeness and friendliness towards the other people there. There might be mitigating circumstances unhappiness, homesickness, youthful awkwardness, just not "clicking" with your family -- that excuse the behaviour to some extent, and I'm presuming she doesn't intend to be rude and unfriendly, but nonetheless, rude and unfriendly is the effect. If this is representative of her interactions with your son then YANBU.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 19/03/2012 23:31

It would only be a nightmare job for an au pair that wasn't suited to one families particular circumstances. For another girl it would be perfect. That's why I think OP should get someone else.

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