To wish our au pair would 'understand' our toddler a little more

[deliakate]

We have a new-ish ap, and whilst she is fabulous with our baby and helpful around the house, she is struggling a bit with our 2.7 yo son.

At first she spent her time making a huge fuss of the baby, and pretty much ignoring our son. He noticed this of course, so I spoke to her about it. She said she found it very hard as he often rejected her attempts to play with him. I did say that she just has to persevere and since then there have been some breakthroughs. But she still becomes quickly cross with him, and can be quite petty in response to his typical toddler power games.

Of course she is not trained in child development and doesn't really understand about their stages. But I think a lot could be helped if she were more animated and expressive, making silly faces or something so she got a laugh from him. I have tried to explain, but..... if I was being unkind, I would say that she really doesn't like children..... But I'm not. Its more that she doesn't know how to relate.

During her off duty time, its very noticeable. She never really goes out, but hangs around downstairs in the house - which is fine, of course. But during that time, she is pretty much expressionless and ignores me and the children. I would love her to have a big smile for my son when she sees him throughout the day, but it just doesn't happen.

AIBU to expect more? She doesn't have sole care of him or the baby. And he is not Damien, he's just a normal boy!! I think I could put up with it balanced against the home help she provides, were it not for the fact that he is clearly upset and affected by the change in circumstances - he's playing up a lot more, attention seeking, and feeling 'cross', as he puts it.

Just to say that I know some Au Pairs can be great. But some can be extremely homesick and unhappy. Expecting her to pay attention to your toddler when she is working is reasonable. Expecting her to be jolly all the time is UR. Your home is her house. Few people are jolly all the time and unhappy people will certainly not be.

In which case I'd use this opportunity to devote play time to your son and leave her to do the cleaning and lending a hand for your baby. Its not like you can't care for your son is it??

I don't think it really matters what age she is or how much you are paying her. She is an aupair which means she is here for a limited time to do some childcare, learn a language and experience a different culture. If her principal role was childcarer she would be a nanny and you would need to pay her more and have justifiably higher expectations. Some aupairs are genuinely interested in children and find it easy to interact with them and to live in someone else's home, many are here principally for the experience of living in the UK and to learn English and the childcare is almost incidental. It sounds like you have one of the latter kind. Unless you really need someone to live-in, I would cut your losses and get a part-time mother's help and/or a cleaner!

x posts delia :)

You know, i think you should get another au pair, if you feel this way about someone who is meant to be a companion for your children, and you really as you have stated in your last post, it has to be someone you get along with - it could just be a personality clash. Ask for another au pair and give her a decent reference so you don't have to feel bad about letting her go.

I coudlnt be doing with someone else in my house, but in an anti-social cow, but if i had the set up you have, id want someone who I felt comfortable with and who had good vibes ith the whole family. I think through no fault of her own its just not working out

So you are paying her to look after your kids while you are in?

Just to say a lot of qualified nannies refuse to take positions with shared care as they say it is more difficult than sole care. So don't assume this is an easy job.

I think it does matter how much you pay her and find it odd that you didn't answer my earlier question. She is also babysitting for you 3 nights a week ?

Where is she from?
Have you tried chatting to her? Does she do a language course or something where she could meet others her own age?

My first thought about the non smiling thing was maybe it is cultural. My family always moan about 'moodiness' when they go to Europe, but I've found that they simply aren't always as smiley!

If she does t have sole care, I'd maybe get her to spend less time with the baby for a bit and more time with the toddler to give her chance to bond a bit. Find some failsafes that work for your toddler. Toddlers are HARD for a girl that age, I can remember being in a similar situation. When mum is around all the time it is especially hard because toddler would prefer mum. She may not especially want to be a companion to you neither, being that much younger

I think this is really the ideal aupair's job, but your AP in particular sounds unhappy. Why doesn't she want to go out? is she hoping to save her salary for when she goes back home? I would try and encourage her to go to the AP club, even if you have to drive her there, otherwise she's going to end up very depressed. As for the relationship with your son, maybe you can engage in games with both of them and then she'll learn how to deal with a todler. I must say at 26, I wouldn't have had a clue either of what to do with a little boy.

cazza - Au pairs are supposed to be paid a minimum of £77 per week for 35 hours a week plus 2 nights babysitting. So much cheaper than a mothers helper.

I don't understand why everyone is always against au pairs? As long as you are not leaving her in sole charge for long periods and she doesn't do more than a few hours a day in total, is that not the deal? Everyone saying get a nanny is quite funny, most people on MN earn less than a nanny earns in London!

On the basis that you are not abusing your au pair and are treating her, well, like an au pair, I don't think you are unreasonable, but unfortunately this is one of the problems with any form of childcare, not everyone who looks after your children will even like children. I would do what I would do with an unsatisfactory nanny, nursery or childminder, switch to another one perhaps in a month or two, leaving her time to go elsewhere or perhaps reflect that being an au pair is not for her.

It's not unreasonable for her to be pleasant in the household, and if she is unhappy or just a miserable type of person, it will bring the whole household down. Have you tried talking with her to see if there is anything upsetting her?

I'm not against au pairs. But I do think what you pay should reflect your expectations. So a qualified nanny is paid much more and should be great and professional. I would still have expectations of an au pair, but less.

She's paid £90 pw and only does 25 hours. No problem with the babysitting - they are always asleep and she is in every night anyway. She's not saving up, she seems to be well off with lots of clothes and snazzier iPads etc than me.

She is French, so perhaps I should ask Gerard Deparduei about the moodiness!

You will be told that YABU by people with zero experience of au pairs and who think you're being tight for not getting a nanny / entitled for not just doing it yourself if you're home / think giving the care of your son to random X person is bad, while using, say, a nursery themselves / etc / etc (delete as applicable).

Did you meet this girl before you hired her, or did you only speak on the phone? When we were hiring, I only met two girls before hiring the second pretty much on the spot. The first one, while nice, didn't interact with DS at all. The second, on the other hand, swooped down on him, picked him up with a huge cuddle, and was utterly at ease and comfortable in front of both of us. She turned out to be one of the best things to happen to our family and was a joy to live and work with.

To those who don't understand au pairs - when you find one who fits and who melds seemlessly into your family, it is a joy to behold for everyone. You'll just have to take my word for that.

OP - it really seems like she's just not a natural with children. That was my criteria pure and simple - and it worked for us. I worked full time, but from home so we obviously needed the hands-on care, but I was around as well. Not that I would have needed to be with A, as she was just so amazing.

It might just be time to acknowldege that she isn't right for your family. But I would also suggest that it is a huge responsibility having an au pair, it really is a two-way street and the more you make them feel welcome, appreciated and at home, the better it will work. I'm not saying you don't do that by all means :) but being a long way from home in a country wi a different language can be pretty terrifying.

Thing is, I would prefer someone who was shit at housework - we have a cleaner anyway - or who was a bit messy but was willing to get down with the kids, on their level and have a bit of fun with them.

Am laughing at your name sodoffbaldrick completely unrelated to the thread, my name is after my dog, i love him, hes a pain in the arse, hence "goawaybob" i used to have a cat called baldrick.............

I was an au-pair many years ago and I found the work in the home/live in the home relationship stifling, as you could never really get away from things, if you had a bad day at work it was also a bad day at home. I was quite depressed. When it was my day off I just wanted to stay in my room and not interact with the family as I found the situation quite stressful. I liked it best when the mother of the family was not there as I could not relax around her. I got on better with the children when she was not there as she was always watching my interraction when she was, it made me a nervous wreck. I am not suggesting that this is the same in your case, but just to point out that being an au-pair is not as easy as it sounds. Living in someone else's home, looking after someone else's kids, sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong!!!

BTW I changed families after a few months and it was a relief , second family I worked for were lovely.

I don't see the point of au pairs. It sounds more hassle than help - I would rather have a daily housekeeper to clean, iron and prepare meals - freeing me up to "get on the kids level and have fun with them"

It must be confusing for your ds - my mother looks after my dc's 1 day a week and my ds1 always acts up when we are both together, like he is not sure of "who is in charge" iyswim.

That must be what it is like what it for your ds 25 hours a week.

She doesn't need to clean, but I would love her to do some meal prep. But she can't cook and needs every step spelled out - takes more time than me doing it. She is off duty for more of the day than she is on, and its during those times ds is so crushed when she ignores him bringing her a flower or telling her something sweet. If she went out or stayed in her room it wouldn't be so bad, but she is down with us all day, sunbathing or drinking tea.

I must say this sounds like a bit of a nightmare au pair job to me - with the mum around all the time, the kids naturally want to be with their mother, no clear role for the au pair.

My sister went to Spain to au pair and had a similar experience - there was a housekeeper, the mum didn't work, there wasn't really a job for her other than to hang around with the mum and kids. Bit of a nightmare and she came home early.

Being an au pair isn't really a job, imo. It means to be on a par with the family, so part of the family, who hangs out, has a bit of fun, socialises and lends a hand. In addition to doing whatever you want for the majority of the day and all weekend. Its just a bad personality fit I think.

It's not working OP, time to try out another maybe.

Why do you need all of this help delia?

What is a typical day for both of you? It does sound a bit like there isn't enough for her to do. Could she have some sole care of your son to try and build a relationship with him? Could you manage without her?

Just thinking about this some more; I'm currently a SAHM and I can't imagine having someone hovering about in the background all day. Nightmare. There just would not be enough for them to do unless they had set jibs like taking one DS to the park or to mums and tots to give me an actual break.