To wish our au pair would 'understand' our toddler a little more

[deliakate]

We have a new-ish ap, and whilst she is fabulous with our baby and helpful around the house, she is struggling a bit with our 2.7 yo son.

At first she spent her time making a huge fuss of the baby, and pretty much ignoring our son. He noticed this of course, so I spoke to her about it. She said she found it very hard as he often rejected her attempts to play with him. I did say that she just has to persevere and since then there have been some breakthroughs. But she still becomes quickly cross with him, and can be quite petty in response to his typical toddler power games.

Of course she is not trained in child development and doesn't really understand about their stages. But I think a lot could be helped if she were more animated and expressive, making silly faces or something so she got a laugh from him. I have tried to explain, but..... if I was being unkind, I would say that she really doesn't like children..... But I'm not. Its more that she doesn't know how to relate.

During her off duty time, its very noticeable. She never really goes out, but hangs around downstairs in the house - which is fine, of course. But during that time, she is pretty much expressionless and ignores me and the children. I would love her to have a big smile for my son when she sees him throughout the day, but it just doesn't happen.

AIBU to expect more? She doesn't have sole care of him or the baby. And he is not Damien, he's just a normal boy!! I think I could put up with it balanced against the home help she provides, were it not for the fact that he is clearly upset and affected by the change in circumstances - he's playing up a lot more, attention seeking, and feeling 'cross', as he puts it.

What does your DH think OP ?

The comments aren't 'ott' - too many cooks spoil the broth! The OP has said nothing about an op or MH problems in her OP. She wonders why the au pair is down at mouth, dear Lord, she must be bored out of her mind if she doesn't even have the cleaning to do.

Someone I know had a "mothers' help" rather than an au pair

Op I would second those who have said forget the comments that are to you needing help.

If it is not working, which it clearly isn''t. Hand her her notice and start again.

If you feel you need help, and can afford it, then don't feel bad for those comments over the first few pages which frankly just sound jealous.

Its not muckraking, it's context - your other threads on MN imply difficulties with your DH and unwillingness to let control go. Those 2 things are hard for any Au Pair to deal with, never mind adding you being at home all day, a "Terrible 2" y/o (based on your other threads), and a walk-on cast of other proxy carers into the mix.

How do you know how many hours the cleaner is there for?

The OP said there is no need for the AP to do any cleaning as they have a cleaner.

I presume it is more because the AP doesn't do anything.

My parents have a cleaner who does at least 10 hours a week and they have no kids at home

Ha ha ha vary funny nappy seriously though, IF parents had cleaner for 10 hours, AND someone to do the ironing and cleaner was miserable because she was bored as didn't have enough to do then it would be a case of too many cooks.

I want to make it quite clear I am not against 'help' - but the OP's set up wouldn't work in anyone's house imo.

I know families who have ft nannies and AP's as well but they all have very specific roles to fulfil and mum keeps out of the way and leaves them to it.

OP - get rid.....nicely. She sounds like a lovely lass (of 26!) but it takes a certain type to be able to deal with toddler boys. I would not risk it at that age as I think you can do quite a lot of damage and almost as importantly, undo al of your own good work with distraction, positive praise etc.

I think there is no point in prolonging it, she doesn't fit your expectations and needs. You want someone who helps with meals but she cannot cook and needs instructions for everything, you want someone who will do fun things with ds, she does not because she obviously isn't used to toddlers and is not a natural with dc. You want someone who keeps you company since dh is away for long hours and you are not really comfortable with her. Worst of all, you are worried that your ds will be feeling rejected.

Really best get in touch with the agency and tell them it hasn't worked out.

I have no experience of au pairs or nannies but I have read this and its been an eye opener to me!

Your son must find it confusing having someone suddenly move in who is not a familiar family member and is a bit off with him. He won't understand the difference between on and off duty or probably want to spend time with her whilst your there too, why would he?!

I think the mothers help sounds better or if its because you can't cope what about a home start volunteer.

Or could u advertise for someone who is studying childcare either at college or doing an early years type degree who might want part time work and gain experience? I say this because the hours might suit a student who could do with some extra money and it would also benefit their course as it could double up as a placement. (They would be CRB checked too and presumably like kids!)

Good luck.

I think Buttery's advice is good regarding the students actually, as they are likely to be quite enthusiastic and engaged, but willing to learn from you as the children's mum. Would care for the children alongside you and then if you build up trust do some babysitting.

You do have a lot of "help" and im not sure its that sort of help that you need. Are you poorly? If so then of course you need it, but I just wonder if you would be happier if you just got on with things yourself? Have the cleaner (I'd love one) by all means, but im not sure what you are doing when the au pair has the children? It sounds like you are hovering and that is just uncomfortable.

I am not actually being critical, i don't know your situation although it does sound like you are struggling. Do you have any friends with children the same age? Do you go to any baby groups? I wonder if you might find better support in these places than from paid help.

The reason this thread was an eye opener was myself or anyone I know is in the financial position to have a cleaner let alone a nanny or au pair. I always thought that people who had the kind of money had them and that was the end of it! By that I mean I never even considered there would be problems with them. If I could afford a cleaner I'd definitely have one. Maybe the saying more money more problems is true!

If people in my social circle are struggling with home life we just muddle on, moan to each other or seek local free help (childrens centre playgroups health visitor etc)

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with getting paid help but its obviously not an option for lots of people. I suppose reading this has made me realise that having more options sometimes just means more problems. I don't mean to sound flippant OP but if you were not financially able to afford a housekeeper or Au pair how would you manage things?

Sorry meant to say is NOT in the financial position!

We had Au Pairs for 10 years, my experience is that in 9/10 of cases they work very well, but you have to give them authority as well as responsibility or else your kids play you against them.

Also, you have to bear in mind their limitations, they are students here to learn English (and have a good time), and typically are ot experienced cooks, home managers, mothers, nannies, companions etc etc.

I actually think that the OP is looking for a companion, but doesn't seem to grasp that employing a young girl isn't going to provide her with one.

OP I think you would be better putting your kids in nursery for a couple of mornings a week and getting rid of the nanny and the au pair.
Maybe if you had some time to yourself you would address the other things in your life that seem to be bothering you on your other treads.

I can totally understand how difficult it is to cope. I was just asking out of curiosity how in the same situation but not as financially well off the op would arrange things. Hope your on the mend nappymaestro.

My sister has just moved abroad and has no friends of family, she has a toddler and a baby due soon. Her partner works away a lot of the time and I have suggested she buys in some help if they can afford it.

nappy your position is totally different, Obv you need help if you have had an op! I'm not saying the OP doesn't need help, but maybe she needs to rethink what she wants/needs help for - time alone, help with the meals and bath etc. She might be better just buying in help at those specific times.