To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

[pingu2209]

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

Actually, someone I know had a nose job. Lovely job, she looked fantastic, but because I'd never really thought about her nose and the bump on it IYSWIM I couldn't work out what was different.

I asked her close friend "X looks different, has she changed something." Close friend said "Not that I know of". Took me ages to work out what it was. Close friend would absolutely have known what happened, but managed to be utterly discreet - and even when I did work it out I didn't feel the friend had lied to me. I don't have any sympathy for the friend in this situation- she's crying because she's been caught out gossiping. If she didn't think she could keep it a secret, she should have said so.

Pingu asked her for help, she said that she would help, Pingu explained why she needed the help and asked her to please please not tell anyone. She then told everyone. Maybe she'll have a little cry and then not betray her friends again.

Agree with shotinthefoot on page 8. You are being spiteful and really nasty. I hope your 'friend' realises she is better off without YOU.

I'm quite outstounded actually. It's the OP's personal medical record she is under no obligation to tell anyone, explain anything. She is not responsible for other people's eating habits etc.
This country is diet obsessed. Diets don't tend to work. Healthy eating and exercise work better, which in essence the OP is doing.

She has no responsibility to how anyone else feels about themselves.

OP you sound vile, I think you need to grow up and stop laying pathetic games with other people, most people stop doing that in junior school.

OP you sound vile and child like. Yes your friend broke your confidence, but did you seriously think people wouldnt notice and ask.
You got caught cheating on a diet, which you wanted people to think you did alone.
You then used a childs party to show friend how upset you were.

I've only read the OPs posts. I get the gist that some people are feeling quite negative towards her.

I'm not sure she deserves this negativity. I do think she made a mistake in sharing this confidence with the friend in the first place.

I also think you made a mistake OP in organising this social function amid such a turbulent backdrop. I'm not suggesting you ought to hide away and not socialise, just that it might have made life easier for you if you had let the dust settle a little.

I actually feel sorry for the friend now, esp. as she looked after your child while you went for surgery that you then asked her to lie about, and believe me, it will have involved lying. I don't get why you are so angry at her, you told 7 people, none family so presumably friends. Of course if you tell 7 people, it's going to get around, you can't expect 7 people to all act mystified as to why you are half the woman you used to be. It seems to me you are directing all your anger at this lady, I'd bet that some of the other 6 have blabbed discussed it with friends.

This is really childish and I feel sorry for the children being excluded.

Do you think that maybe she felt like she was being asked to lie? Maybe someone asked her outright, 'Has Pingu had surgery?'. It is a very difficult situation to be in, being asked to lie on your behalf when you want people to think that you have done something completely off you own back when actually you have had some help. I accept that the sleeve only works on healthy food and you still need will power, but the truth is you would not have lost weight if it were not for this proceedure and you are asking her to lie for you.

I would not blame you for walking away from this friendship. But I do not understand why you are so reluctant to tell people you have had surgery. By omitting to tell them, you are letting them think you have had no help. Fine, but difficult to ask others to be a part of this.

Be proud of the weightloss. It has improved your health and your quality of life, no matter how you did it.

Good work op keep insetting everyone and at this rate you'll be lucky if anyone turns up to your party. She made a mistake yes but If she apologised accept it and move on rather than going out of your way to be spiteful which is how it seems.

So to rephrase this post another way, someone has medical treatment to control a mental health issue.
A friend knows the reasons for the treatment and what type of treatment it is, and still feels it is okay to tell other people after being asked not to.

I get the feeling that if the Op had posted about treatment for mental health problems everyone would have agreed with her.

Eating disorders are mental health problems.

I agree bobyan. I was saying to my friend today that I may have had my stomach bypassed but my brain still has the same emotional/mental/comfort issues

I think this could have been so easily solved.

"Are we okay"
"Not really, you broke a confidence and I'm upset with you about it"
"I'm sorry"
"Look, I am hurt, but I'm sorry too for putting you in a situation where you may have felt awkward, I didn't think it through"
"No, I'm really REALLY sorry"
"I accept your apology, do you want to come the Egg hunt?"

Everyone hugs. Peace is restored.

There's no malice involved from your friend OP I doubt there was any from you either. This bearing of a grudge though, that your friend failed in her assigned task, will win you more enemies than friends.

And though I am sure you are eating healthily and exercising, your drastic weightloss is not just down to sheer hard work, its down to sheer hard work and an operation. From what you've said, you're in denial about the extent of the affect of the operation, that YOU somehow feel you've cheated, hence the HUGE amount of offence taken at your friend messing up, you'd rather people assume you're some dieting wizard than them know you've had potentially life saving surgery. You haven't cheated and I suspect your friend, that you're now ignoring and cooling off from would be incredibly supportive of you if you'd let her. She already HAS been supportive hasn't she? I think you're being hard on her.

I do think that although you shouldn't have to advertise your surgery, making it such a secret only serves to make people more interested.

By the way, lady I know had surgery 3 years ago, has lost a mountain of weight, and has been open about it to anyone who's asked... she's not had one criticism only support, not had anyone gossiping about her, and I certainly am full of respect for her, because she works damn hard to make it work. Don't advertise if you don't want to, but be proud, and give your friend a hug.

Well I think that the OP is of the opinion that it was done maliciously, otherwise I think that she probably would be able to express disappointment, move on & stay friends.

Telling 4 or 5 people isn't an accidental slip, it's gossiping.

You handled her well.

Pay no attention to the pathetic little gossips on here who are calling you names and claiming it impossible for anybody to keep a secret because it would involve 'lying' to nosy, interfering people who have nothing better to do than obsess with other people's business. They are trying to justify their own inability to keep their mouths shut.

There are plenty of nice people out there who are not saddos obsessed with other peoples weight, their hair, their marriages etc.. They are also a lot more interesting as a result. You would be much better off with friends who have more important things to do than gossip or indulge little gossips. Nobody has the 'right' to know your business, avoid the weirdo's who think they do.

As for lying, I would happily lie to maintain discretion for a friend, just as I would for myself. I have done plenty of times. I wouldn't tell anybody incapable of that anything, ever. You can't trust those who have no respect for your privacy.

Hope your feeling better

OP - that's a crappy way to treat a friend. You do come across as though you think you are the center of the world and queen bee of the playground. It's not like she told a 'bad' secret - you told seven people! That's not a secret! I bet they've all told other people too, you just don't realise it. She looked after your children and then you asked her to lie for you. Ideally, I suppose, she shouldn't have but that's a difficult (and pointless) 'secret' to keep.
Before you told her that you were going to have the op did you say 'I'm going to tell you something in strict confidence' Or did you ask her to look after your children first?

Your friend had two choices when asked if had had an op
"No" - a lie, not everyone is a convincing liar or indeed wants to lie
Any other response would be interpreted as "Yes but I'm not meant to say" especially if the friend is not comfortable with lies.

I had this surgery after Christmas and its been absolutely amazing.

The only person who knows is my husband.

I won't be telling anyone, no matter how much weight I lose. Its nobody's business. I probably won't go into any detail at all, and they can talk all they like.

I have already lost more than 3 stone

I was told to tell as few as you possibly can because women are often supportive up until the point you hit the same dress size as them, then all they can manage is venom.

Its true, not many people like to see a fat person changing forever.

And that's the difference Notmy - you have only told your DH, not 7 other people!

True. Sorry OP I didn't mean for that to sound like a lecture or a retrospective thought or whatever, at all.

Okay so I have told my DH. I would be extremely pissed off if he chose to tell anyone without my consent.

So its not all that different really.

But I do know you can't really trust many people...some people just can't help themselves.

Nah, not buying it. If you ask someone not to tell anyone - something about you, which is going to do no harm to anyone, then they should NOT blab it.

Saying it is "asking them to lie" just sounds a bit moralistic. You are asking them to not blab.