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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

263 replies

pingu2209 · 17/03/2012 19:21

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 18/03/2012 18:09

My guess is that someone guessed and asked her if you'd had surgery. It's much harder to tell a direct lie and say 'I don't know' if you do know. On the occasions I've been asked a direct question, I've found it very difficult to field a convincing lie (and look puzzled) than if it's just a lie by ommission. They guessed, she didn't deny it.

I wouldn't lose a friendship over it, I would not like to be asked to keep a secret if people were going to talk about it a lot although I don't think you should be obliged to divulge. A friend of mine had her eye bags done and asked me not to tell, but it was easy as noone asked.

bobbledunk · 18/03/2012 19:00

Congratulations on your weight loss, it must have taken a lot of hard work to do that well, you must feel very proudSmile

You would be very reasonable to never speak to the gossipy little bitch again, some people only listen to what you have to say so they can have something to gossip about later.

You deserve friends who do not betray your trust like that, who do not leave you feeling humiliated and exposed. Best to at the very least, distance yourself from this woman, get rid of her completely if you can and find yourself nicer, more genuine friends.

If you maintain any kind of relationship with her make sure to never tell her anything you don't want the entire world gossiping about. She will repeat everything you say. Just as compulsive liars lie, compulsive gossipers gossip, it is what they are.

FilterCoffee · 18/03/2012 20:57

YANBU.

Your friend should have kept your personal information private and you have every right to be angry with her.

Your weight is none of anyone else's business. Others "in the playground" certainly have no right to demand you give information you'd prefer not to discuss or to judge your decisions.

It's particularly unpleasant to try to make you reveal how you've lost weight. People should not ask you outright because it puts you in an awkward position, as to protect your privacy you have either got to 1) lie 2) say "I'd rather not say" and then everyone assumes you've had surgery anyway or 3) tell them about the surgery when you didn't want to.

QOD · 18/03/2012 21:07

Gosh what a bitch!! For what it's worth I don't tell people in general. Far too many people DO look upon it as cheating. Asking me if I had a band is, to me, as personal as going up to someone I kind of no and saying "so, how many men have you shagged then?"
Personal and none of their business.
and anyway I had a bypass which no one ever guesses cos they're all a band aren't they Hmm

Well done on your loss, I bet you look and feel amazing!

QOD · 18/03/2012 21:13

Kickassangel ! Spot n, my dd is also a surrogate baby, THAT bloody gossip follows us round and my DD deserves privacy!

highlandcoo · 18/03/2012 22:35

Well, she shouldn't have told.

Having said that I found it really difficult to keep lying on behalf of a friend whose husband had left. She didn't want anyone to know at that point because she felt they might still sort it out. Mums at school were putting two and two together and didn't want to ask her directly so, as her best friend, were coming to me to ask. Why they felt they had to know at all, God knows. It was really difficult to have to keep lying to them face to face. I did though unconvincingly I suspect

Your friend should have done the same.

treadwarily · 19/03/2012 03:51

I can understand why you would feel betrayed.

In a situation like this, where your lives are somewhat entwined, I would suggest you backing off rather than walking away altogether. Perhaps distance yourself a bit, remind yourself she is not the trustworthy person you thought she was, but that you can still have a bit of chit chat.

It may be worth considering jealousy on her part or the others around you. Often when a woman loses a lot of weight, others feel unsettled by the change. They know they are supposed to be praising and supportive, but suddenly their fat friend is a slim friend and they can feel a little insecure.

So you may find that your relationships change from this point. I can only encourage you to stay true to yourself, to stick with the new you and keep expecting good things for yourself, and that includes friends you can trust.

anonymosity · 19/03/2012 03:58

Honestly, the only way to keep a secret is not to tell ANYONE! And you know, you've had a brilliant result so that's all that matters in the end. Congratulations.

GothAnneGeddes · 19/03/2012 04:19

YABU, If I were your friend it would annoy me greatly having to lie for you and from the weight loss described, most would suspect surgery anyway.

I'm amused by the Omerta drama queens who recommend cutting her out of your life.

By all means, tell her how you feel and don't tell her your deep dark secrets in future, but if she's a good friend it's not worth the bad feeling.

SaraBellumHertz · 19/03/2012 05:10

Your friend shouldn't have broken your confidence but I can understand how she felt in a difficult position watching you lie about the means behind your weight loss.

troisgarcons · 19/03/2012 05:38

The friend didnt need to "lie" - a simple "It's not been discussed with me" would suffice, or perhaps "it's not something I'm prepared to talk about".

When people ask (what I deem) rude and direct questions it is difficult to extract yourself from a conversation.

A lot of people however don't have polite conversational skills these days.

Eg If I comment my husband has been in hospital, I dont expect to be interrogated as to his medical history. Information may be forthcoming if the question is open and indirect, such as "I hope it isnt serious?" - as opposed to one person who virtually slammed me against a wall with "is it cancer?? is it?? is it??" (no it wasn't, thankfully) - but it did show a certain inability to converse properly and total lack of appropriate behaviour.

Similarly I agree, if you tell a secret, it is no longer a secret. Perhaps it would have been more appropriate of the OP to have said she took people into her confidence, rather than used the word secret. Again, just because you ask someone to do you a favour (ie the school run) because you have been in hospital, doesnt mean you have to tell that person the nature of the hospital procedure. If I were wanting to be that secretive or private I would have just said I have to have major abdominal surgery and left it at that.

treadwarily · 19/03/2012 08:04

I agree troisgarcons, being pregnant/having cancer/getting divorced/losing weight etc does not give others' the right to interrogate.

Because of this, it is handy to master phrases such as, "Thanks for asking but it's not something I talk about," or "I won't go into the gory details but doing well, thanks"...

mrspepperpotty · 19/03/2012 08:13

But troisgarcons, in this situation "it's not been discussed with me" is a lie!

FilterCoffee · 19/03/2012 08:22

I know what you're saying troisgarcons, although IMHO "I hope it isnt serious?" is almost the same question as "is it cancer?" dressed up as "polite". It's still a closed question which expects a yes/no answer. Best when people stick to listening and non-committal comments like "I see". Then the other person can always open up as and when they wish.

I actually dislike semi-direct questions even more than direct intrusive ones, because you don't always see them for what they are (nosy) straight away and may end up answering them when you didn't want to because the other person is being friendly.

SchoolsNightmare · 19/03/2012 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FilterCoffee · 19/03/2012 09:23

"she'd have to lie and say she didn't know or lie and say no or break your confidence and say yes."

Or she could say "Sorry but I can't discuss X's weight loss". It's the people asking direct questions who are out of order (too intrusive and asking unfair questions), not the OP who confided in a friend.

SchoolsNightmare · 19/03/2012 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 19/03/2012 10:16

Well, things have come to a head today in the playground.

I handed out invitations to an Easter egg hunt and BBQ at my home on Easter Sunday. It isn't a whole class party - only half a dozen families were invited as it is for siblings, mum and dads etc. All the parents know each other and are friends so it is very selective.

Although I have not said to the woman who broke my confidence "I no longer wish to be friends", I have been deliberately avoiding her by leaving the school by a different exit to where she is standing/parked, not phoning or texting her etc.

My children handed out the invites this morning and the woman came over to me to ask if she, her husband and son were allowed to come. Politely I said that space means we were limited in numbers and I had only allowed each child to invite 2 friends; my son had chosen 2 other boys from his class. This is a lie because I chose who came as it is as much a get together for adults as the children, and all the parents are friends.

She asked me directly if "everything was okay between us".

I said "what do you mean?".

She said "you have been very quiet of late."

I took the opportunity to say "X you broke my confidence and although I don't want to discuss it further and pull apart all your reasons, I feel very upset about it. I'm happy to still talk in the playground but I would rather cool our friendship from now on."
She was upset and cried.

So I have done the dirty deed.

OP posts:
CrunchyFrog · 19/03/2012 10:17

I agree that people are beyond rude when it comes to this issue.

I've lost 6 stone in the last 14 months. I was stopped in the street by one "concerned" acquaintance because she was "so worried," "I heard you had cancer"

Hmm

I am asked constantly how I managed it, and people don't like the answers - they're convinced there must have been a magic wand of some kind. The OP is right though, dropping my calorie intake and upping the movement resulted in a stone off in the first week.

I also resent the way I have suddenly become visible, my opinions have become important and I am deemed attractive. Men couldn't even see me before.

The health implications are far more important (I had bad asthma that has all but disappeared, along with several what I thought were food intolerances.)

It's nobody else's business.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 19/03/2012 10:19

How do you feel about it?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 19/03/2012 10:20

x posted with Crunchy, I meant "how do you feel about it OP?"

WinkyWinkola · 19/03/2012 10:23

So, your friend is now upset. Everyone is upset. Sad

Now that everyone knows you had surgery, hold up your head and enjoy looking great and be prepared to field some questions about it.

Erm, did your dcs hand out invitations in front of the other children who weren't invited? That is kind of mean if that is the case. I'd've been a lot more discreet than that. I know that's an aside but it's a pet hate of mine, seeing kids left out of events and watching the invitations being handed out.

Clytaemnestra · 19/03/2012 10:24

I think you handled that brilliantly (not making her cry obviously but that wasn't your fault). I would be livid in the same circumstances and have shouted, so you were very dignified about it all. Which will have had much more of an impact on her probably.

Clytaemnestra · 19/03/2012 10:26

"Erm, did your dcs hand out invitations in front of the other children who weren't invited?"

She said that she handed them out, but the DC had picked who was coming, so I guess she handed them to the parents? Agree kids making a fuss about handing "exclusive" invites out is utterly obnoxious, but I don't think that's what happened here.

aldiwhore · 19/03/2012 10:27

I'm very careful what I tell even good friends these days... I'm rather selfish, I haven't broke off all friendships with all people with flappy jaws because I know that a few of them simply unable to shut the fuck up! I just don't tell them secrets anymore, or rather I only tell them what I'd be happy to see in a Newspaper. I'm selfish because I enjoy their company, though its true that the chance of them being superclose friends is gone.

I have distanced myself from one ex-good friend, not only did she spill a secret (forgiveable) she twisted it, she lied, she embelished the truth and did it with malice.. it was a secret that didn't just invlove me, I told HER (and therefore spilled a secret myself) because I needed to talk it through with someone to get perspective. I could take the breach of trust regarding MY part in the secret, but everything else made me realise that the friend wasn't just a blabbermouth, but a malicious one too.

OP if you feel you can't be friends with this person anymore then that is your choice. However, speaking for myself, even after my experiences, I would carry on the friendship if I liked her and she was otherwise a good person, but I'd not tell her my secrets any more.