To walk away from a friendship because she told other's my secret

[pingu2209]

My 'friend' of 3 years was one of 7 people I told about having barriatric surgery (vertical sleeve). I didn't even tell my parents or siblings.

Over 7 months I have lost 9 stone (only 1 1/2 stone to go whoop whoop).

This week my 'friend' admitted to me that she has told people that I have had an operation, after she was asked a lot by others (e.g. mum's in the playground) how I have lost so much weight.

I am furious. I can't tell you how angry I am. Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it.

I asked her why and she said that it was because she felt that people had guessed that I had had an operation as it couldn't just have been via diet and excercise.

The last person she told reacted very badly to 'my' news and said that I had been 'lying' to other mums in the playground by not telling people about my operation. That my losing weight made other fat mums feel bad that they couldn't lose weight themselves.

I hope you are pleased with the way things have turned out, op.

Your friend clearly still wants to be friends with you ... hope you are enjoying the power struggle. It seems to me that you are very much enjoying rubbing her nose in it ... "Politely I said that space means we were limited in numbers and I had only allowed each child to invite 2 friends; my son had chosen 2 other boys from his class. This is a lie because I chose who came as it is as much a get together for adults as the children, and all the parents are friends"

Try not to get into the habit of lying all the time (or expecting others to lie for you) ... one day it may come back to bite you on the bum.

There is a difference between saying the utter truth:

"I didn't invite you because I think you have been a total cow for telling a number of people a secret you know is extremely personal and I want you out of my face now".

To saying a 'white' lie to ensure that I handle things maturely and calmly:

"Space means numbers are limited and each child only invited 2 children from their class and my eldest son chose X and X."

Unless of course you think telling the utter, whole truth at all times is an essential part of a smooth society?!

I handed out the invites to the mums who were in the Infants but my eldest handed out the invites to the mums rather than his friends(otherwise the invites go missing!) in the Juniors. The playgrounds are quite far apart and I don't see my eldest son in because I stand in the Infants playground.

The Easter BBQ and Egg Hunt is really and adult get together and the children get an Egg Hunt thrown in.

I have been kidding myself. I am so upset and angry about her behaviour that I would be pleased never to see her again.

My 22 stone frame a year ago was after a spell of anorexia in my teens, 4 years of bullemia in my 20s and having over a year of therapy for compulsive binge eating in my 30s (hence the weight gain). My friend is well aware of my issues with food and overeating and body image issue etc. She knows very well how important it was to keep her knowledge of my operation a secret. Yet she still told 4-5 people.

YABU - maybe other people are not as comfortable with lying as you are.

At some point you need to move on from this Pingu.

I feel sorry for the friend, tbh. She cocked up. She maybe didn't realise how upset you'd be/how much you wanted it kept secret. Tbh, weight stuff isn't a big deal to me, so I struggle to see why it is to others. We all have different ideas about privacy/appropriateness I suppose. And the playground not inviting her stuff does seem really mean. Well done on losing the weight.

"Sadly I think that she used the knowledge to boost her power/position in the playground."
And that thought is, I think, possibly skewing your perception. If you are acknowledging there is a power hierarchy and that she was not at the top of it, how do you think she would have felt being pressured for answers from those 'more powerful' than she? Because I'll bet the questioning was pretty intense, given the dramatic nature of your weight loss.

I can understand (and agree with) the reasons you gave for wanting to keep it quiet - but now that it is so visible, can you accept that there will be intense interest? And that perhaps the quickest way to soothe that interest back down is for you to let the truth be known?

Yes, she was wrong to answer the questioning. She owes you an apology. But I do think you need to ponder on the position you placed your friend in, and whether punishing her is really merited.

She shouldn't have told your secret, and yes she probably knows your issues regarding your weight and food, MAYBE she was misguidedly trying to BE a friend, when others were asking, maybe she foolishly thought that if she told them, spoke to them, then they wouldn't keep asking you? Maybe she thought, wrongly that you'd prefer those who were asking HER about your weightloss not to ask you as well?

I've lost a fair amount of weight over the last year (about 2 stone, but percentage wise, that was rather a lot) and people DO ask (I ask too) how I did it. My fellow fat club friend has lost 7 stone in a year... now that's a LOT. Again, people ask. Not in a mean way but in a positive "wow you look fantastic" way. People have asked ME about her weight loss too. Now I could say "None of your business you nosey bastards" or I could say "yeh she's done brilliantly hasn't she?".

If she's had surgery, and if someone asked outright if she'd had it, I probably wouldn't say, but I'd be uncomfortable enough with the inner battle of keeping a confidence and blatantly lying that I wouldn't need to say anything.

So, your friend was wrong to blab. Perhaps you were also wrong to put her in a situation of requiring her to lie for you?

Friend didn't need to lie. She needed to say - oh you'd have to ask her about it.

I think the little white lie is justified, but considering afterwards Pingu told her that she didn't want to be friends, probably unneccasary, you could have skipped the whole bit about the sons inviting etc etc and gone straight to, "you've hurt me and I really don't want to deal with you right now".

Would you have been so angry if another mum hadn´t accused you of lying?

I think that you put a lot of pressure of your friend tbh.

But like some others, I don´t see why it was so important to keep the op a secret.

In case it didn´t work?

But it did work, so why the need to still keep the secret?

Pingu, your friend is clearly upset and wants to know how she can make things better again. I think she deserves the chance to talk with you and if she's really apologetic then why not forgive her? And yes, I do think it's better to just say honestly that you are angry with her, rather than just "cooling the friendship". You are obviously hurt and angry but you can be sure she will take your feelings on board and is pretty unlikely to do this again. Forgiveness is essential in a friendship which stands the test of time, and who knows, perhaps you'll mess up one day and need her understanding. Only you can decide if it's beyond repair, but I do think it's far more helpful all round to say to someone's face what you are thinking, rather than permanent resentment and avoidance tactics.

What sounds toxic is that bloody playground!

Actually I feel sorry for your friend.

I think you enjoyed feeling "successful" at your weight loss and despite your protestations that the band still requires willpower you do yourself actually consider it to be "cheating" and therefore you wanted to keep it a secret and continue to revel in your sucess.

Otherwise WTF is all this about?! Reducing a friend to tears in the playground? Don't kid yourself.

Also these friends who helped with your children-did that involve taking them to/collecting from school?

If you think so little of her that you think she has done it as a power thing, then I cannot for the life of me figure why you asked her for help/told her anyway.

I actually think you sound rather unpleasant, OP. Your friend was good enough to offload your children onto whilst you whizzed off to have cosmetic surgery but she makes a mistake which means people realise you've been lying about how you really lost weight and you drop her like a hot coal and make her cry in the playground! Nice.

The whole thing sounds bloody unpleasant to me.

Glad I don't have friends like this.

The playground sounds like the best place for the pair of you. Life is short people make mistakes Grudges are for teenagers

You are sounding really horrible now. Your friend is better off without you. The fact is you wanted to LIE to people about how you lost weight and now you have been rumbled you don't like it.

U need more worry in your life if this is such a big issue with u, both of u should b ashamed of yourselves, grow up and set your children a better example for goodness sake.

I think you are enjoying all of this. The new found attention and the drama.

"Of the 6 other people who know, some don't even know that each other knows (if that make sense) so don't talk to each other about it."

Whyever not? I think you have enjoyed lording this little titbit of information over them, just to test who can keep it a secret, knowing that other people will be keen to know how you've achieved such visible weight loss.

OK, so maybe she did the wrong thing, maybe she "failed", but she probably didn't do it out of malice or a wish to cause harm.

However your behaviour says a lot about you. To use the handing out of party invitations as a ruse to tell her, publicly, that she is no longer your friend on the playground FFS, causing her to cry, is childish and spiteful in the extreme.

How old are you exactly!

Actually, all of this has brought back a similar situation I had with a friend's wedding.

She was getting married but she wanted to keep the wedding a secret. She had invited 40 guests but she didn't want anybody else (i.e. the uninvited) to know anything about it until after the event.

This would have meant not telling several of my close friends, who also considered themselves to be her friend.

I refused, and told her that keeping it a secret would hurt the feelings of an awful lot of people and, despite her protestations for 'respecting her privacy', she was doing exactly the opposite.

In the end she did tell everyone, and those not invited were a little put out but nothing like as hurt as they would have been if they had found out that there was a conspiracy against them.

My friend is a nice person, I just don't think she'd thought it through.

I realise this situation is different, but the fundamentals are the same. That actually sometimes 'demanding privacy' over something so public can seem arrogant even if not intended.