in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

[benetint]

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

I know the OP was not bashing any particular type of mother. I realise that. I just think it is untrue to say that people always have a choice. I was disagreeing on logical, not emotional grounds. I'm sure the OP is correct - there are no doubt people who choose to work to afford nice things and could give them up. I can afford nice things by working but I went back to work to pay mortage, council tax, utilities etc. That was 3 years ago. I have since been promoted and am now choosing not have another baby because I would rather have nice holidays and not worry about money. That is certainly my choice and I would not present it as anything else, e.g. by saying I couldn't afford another child. I know I could but am not ready to make the financial sacrifices. But I still have no choice about whether to work or give up work. My DH might these days though as my salary would now cover everything essential plus a bit more. But at the time, we both HAD to work to cover the basic costs of living. We live in the South-East.

Serenity was saying she didn't like her mum not working cos they didn't have as much money as her friends and that she thought kids prefer that. Ariad disagreed.

I'm confused about threads on MN because every time I make a reference to the last post someone else has posted something before me. Am I being a technological buffon?!

Oh god, can't type either! BuffOOn.

Ariadne- what makes you wonder about my relationship with my mother?

Warren. You could got rid of the car. Yes your kids could all share a bedroom. You don't NEED a semi detached house. Mines not! You could give up the holiday. I haven't had one for 7 years, they are not compulsory you know. You could buy second hand clothes. Etc. You don't have to justify your choices. You want a car and holiday and a semi so you work for those things. That's your choice.

Oh yes, I had a choice.

Between paying the rent or buying food.

But by going back to work to enable us to do both - then I'm neglecting my children?

Yes warren a studio flat, all kids in 1 bed, wrapped up in blankets, cooking by candlelight- what's wrong with you- of course you have a choice

However had you chosen to do that, there would be a thread on mn about parents who do not look after their children properly, and don't provide heat and light. Maybe even a few suggesting social services are involved but heigh ho, at least you HAVE THE CHOICE

I have a choice. I work or we starve. That ok with you op?

Why do folk insist on lumping everyone into groups that fit their own little boxed ideas.

Some people work because they choose to.
Some people work because they would have to make unacceptable compromises to their lifestyle if they didn't.
Some people work because they genuinely would face bankruptcy without the second salary.
Some people stay at home because they choose to.
Some people stay at home because they would have to make unacceptable compromises to their lifestyle if they didn't.
Some people stay at home because they genuinely would face bankruptcy if they had to pay childcare that costs more then they earn.

Everyone's situation is different.

So why make these sweeping generalisations that serve no purpose except to turn us against each other, when we're all just doing the best we can with what we have or haven't got.

Yippee as a single parent I'm allowed by the op to be a wohm!

But what if I tell you I bought my first house at 20 and have no mortgage and my exh (now) pays reasonable money for the kids, am I still allowed to work ?maybe to keep our heads above the poverty line and dare I say it to do a job I really enjoy and am pretty good at, and double dare, that I'm reasonably well paid for.
Basically presumptions are just that you see me somehow as being allowed to work, when actually I do ok, and 2 parents may be scrapping by, and have to/want too work,you can't know that by looking in.Be careful life can bite ya in the ass ,thats something I have learned as a lone parent.

I think maybe if we had a kind of workhouse set up,we could all stay at home happily with our kids with minimal housing costs.

Of course it's a stupid argument, who the fuck is going to downsize into a small flat In a shitty area just so we can be SAHP.

This thread is not about choice, not when we have had people suggesting prostitution, loan sharks and claiming benefits as viable options

This is all about making (WOHP) mothers justifying why we don't spend 24 hours a day with our children, why we have the sheer audacity to have a job

And surely life is all about choices anyway!!

I do know what you mean, however i have had to go back to work to enable us to pay the bills, mortgage, ect. There is no element of choice in it for us. Even with me working we have to live to a fairly tight budget.
Aside from the financial aspect, i have encountered people who are not willing to make any financial sacrifices at all and therefore have to carry on working to be able to fund the large house, smart car and annual holiday.
For me though, a part of returning to work is because i need to feel valued as a member of the workforce and not just a mum. I feel that i didn't work hard to just give it all up when i had kids. What a messed up world we live in that being a mother is not enough! Its not something my own mother's generation had to consider...

I would love not to have to go back to work until dd is in school but i am the main wage earner and we need two salaries to pay the mortgage (and we don't live in a nice area/ have fancy holidays/buy lots of handbags so it's not always an either or)

I have no choice. I have 9 months mat leave only, we budgeted to have this (much wanted and much lived baby) taking into account enhanced company maternity pay and smp etc.

I can't afford more than 9 months off. It makes me sad and although I'm off til Oct it's like a ticking timebomb for me

Your op is narrow minded and short sighted.

Can't cut back anywhere really, cheap food shop, cheap mortgage on a 2 bed ex council house. Not a single parent so not excluded from your daft op.

Meh, if only I had a choice
To stay home!!!

YANBU. It's one thing going back to work because otherwise you would starve, and quite another to go back in order to fund an expensive lifestyle.

I do remember sacrificing a lot to be a SAHM (cue the smell of burning) and I also remember getting pissed off by a couple of friends who were clearly funding a lifestyle choice WHICH IS FINE but it was the way in which they rather patronising said, "Oh I wouldn't go back to work if I didn't need the money". I felt it implied that somehow the lowly lifestyle that we were living wouldn't b good enough for them. Bt then I was probably being oversensitive!

I don't care whether people WOHM or SAHM, having been both, but I do care when people whinge about it when they have a choice - either way. Just admit that you a) don't WANT to go back to work or b) don't want to go without that second holiday this summer. Be honest FGS!

YABU. I work two days per week because working any more than that would not make financial sense. However, if I wasn't working at all we would not have enough money to cover basics. We don't go out, we don't go on holiday, we don't own a car, we don't have satellite TV. I add up every penny in my head when I'm doing the grocery shopping to make sure we have enough. None of my clothes fit since giving birth, but I can't afford new ones. I walked around getting wet feet for ages and finally had to inc my OD to be able to afford new boots.

There is nowhere where we can cut down. I know it's hard for some to understand, but not everyone has choices.

Warren- good for you

I am about to open a bottle of wine, if I didnt work, I might be drinking methylated spirits

If you loved your children enough you'd drink the meth :(

Agree with your long post Annie.