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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

321 replies

benetint · 16/03/2012 18:16

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 16/03/2012 18:41

Christ. No one told me there was a handbags option. Does everyone else know this?
What about shoes?

ithaka · 16/03/2012 18:42

YABU. I know plenty of SAHM with 'a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc' than me, and I work my arse off.

I guess I had a 'choice' and didn't marry someone who could or would support us all financially. I don't care, I love my job and my husband. I didn't marry him for his money (just as well).

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2012 18:46

I like the bit about moving to a shit area.

Moving to a shit area is the new Mandarin lessons. Parents all over the country are moving to shit areas because that's where childrens prospects just soar

minipie · 16/03/2012 18:47

Surely it depends on what your respective DHs earn? Your DH may earn more than their DH does. Therefore, if they gave up work, they'd have to downsize to a level where even you would say it was better for them both to WOH.

Alternatively, they may have other outgoings that you don't have and can't see (loan repayments, financial support to other family members, etc).

You can't assume that just because a choice is available to you, it's available to everyone.

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2012 18:47

Pag - what on earth are you going to work for if its not lovely shoes and handbags :)

I think you can even ask to be paid in leather goods rather than cash now

Pagwatch · 16/03/2012 18:49
Grin
minipie · 16/03/2012 18:50

catgirl - maybe it's to get away from the DCs for a few hours

even more appealing than shoes and handbags Grin

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2012 18:51

Oh yes :) I plum forgot I didn't like mine Grin

MerylStrop · 16/03/2012 18:51

minipie that is up there on my list of reasons why I go to work

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 18:51

Butbthe op isn't wohm bashing. She OS saying it grates when people tell her how lucky she is to stay home. When in fact she and her family made sacrifices to make it so. It's basically an extension of people who work pt Amd are told they are so lucky to only work 3 days a week. Err yes but only get paid 3 fifths

lambethlil · 16/03/2012 18:52

I don't think that many people think in terms of 'compromises unnacceptable' more 'needs slept walked into'. If one parent can afford to stay at home it should be seen as a more valid choice than working outside the home to afford 2 cars meals out, etc.

We also have choices in this country because of the welfare state, thank God.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 18:54

Why should it be seen as a more valid choice? And where OS welfare state coming in?

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2012 18:56

Yes - but she is really missing the fact that a lot of people in this country have things like debts and the last I knew creditors didn't go in for people chosing to "downsize" them much.

Plus, selling a house is not really an easy thing to do at the moment. Having no car can be very impractical with children, especially in rural areas.

So it is a bit of a silly assumption that everyone has as much "choice" as the OP seems to think. She has made sacrifices to stay at home. Good on her. That's her choice. Not everyone choses to go back to work - their circumstances may dictate that they have to. I suppose if you wanted to split hairs people could let the banks repossess their houses, sell their cars and have the children walk 10 miles to school, move to a really bad area and claim bankruptcy to avoid paying their debts but...............

SoThisisMe · 16/03/2012 18:56

Okay, it is not your fault OP that I have had an utterly shit day at work. But to come home and be told that it's my fault, that I actually DO have a choice about being there (when I, having all the facts about my life and finances and know that I don't) is pretty fucking shit. And annoying. And makes me want to tell you to fuck off.

But I won't.

I will go and buy a new handbag tomorrow though. Because I work, so I can afford to Smile

featherbag · 16/03/2012 19:00

Neither I nor my DH earn enough to keep us alone, we don't live in the lap of luxury but we do have to both work. I suppose the 'compromise' we aren't willing to make is on being able to buy food & pay rent. You're right, I could stop work and we'd end up in a council B&B after being evicted for non-payment of rent, and live on handouts, but I have the strangest notion that that may be more damaging to DS than having a WOHM.

But you know what? If I did have a real choice I'd still go to work. I trained long and hard to do what I do, and it's the best job in the world (apart from chocolate taster, obviously). So ner, as I believe someone else eloquently put it.

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 19:00

Here we go again......

Like every other WOHM I go to work purely to buy new shoes every week and spend thousands on new handbags whilst my children are neglected and have to let themselves into the house after school are are alone for 20 minutes.
They will no doubt all be on drugs/pregnant/in prison/ unemployed within the next 2 years whereas the children of SAHM are the next lawyers/doctors/professors etc.

I could not work- I could also not pay my mortgage/council tax/gas/electric/water rates/tv license/ but I think people may object to that

Of course we could both give up work, claim benefits etc but I think people may also object to that

Downsizing...... How do you lose an entire yearly income from one person and manage to live with 3 children?
Is it even possible?
How much do you want people's standard of living to drop to accommodate this
What shall we cut back on- children's clothes? Food? Heat and light?

Give me a break

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 19:01

Sorry featherbag xpost Sad

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:01

Yes catgirl o agree its not always black and white but I cqn quite see why when someone tells the op she's lucky she can stay at home she may think you're lucky to have all that money coming in at the end of each month.

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2012 19:03

Well yes - grass is always greener etc

But still - the idea that people should sell their homes, move to "worse" areas etc is a little Hmm

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 19:03

Stealth, it's not luck having money coming in, it's getting up day after day and going to work

pinkappleby · 16/03/2012 19:04

There are people already on this thread who are saying they didn't have a choice, but they did. There is always the choice, you just might not want to pay the price. In real life I rarely get people saying I'm lucky (I have 3 within 5 years and am pretty skint so maybe it looks like hard work rather than lucky!!), I do however hear other people saying they don't have a choice. Any numpty can see they do they just don't want to stay at home with a baby/toddler all day. Fair do, just don't misrepresent it.

I also don't get the poster who said that you can't SAH if you both earn the same, we did, and I did. Our income halved, our lifestyle dramatically changed, our choice.

minipie · 16/03/2012 19:04

It's basically an extension of people who work pt Amd are told they are so lucky to only work 3 days a week. Err yes but only get paid 3 fifths

Yes but people who work 3 days a week are lucky to have the option of part time. Part time job opportunities are few and far between. Many people don't even have the option.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:06

Tantrums exactly my point. Getting up and going to work gets money. Choosing to live on one salary and arranging your life to suit means no money. Neither is lucky.

Clayhanger · 16/03/2012 19:06

Love catgirl. It's all handbags and Louboutins round our way... Seriously though, is there any place for women who actually like their jobs? I love mine, I'm good at it and I have a wonderful fully-functioning family life. I went back to work because I like working, would hate to depend on anyone else for income and see no contradiction between that and being a good mum.

undercoverPrincess · 16/03/2012 19:06

Eh??? We couldn't pay our mortgage / bills / food if I didn't work (part time evenings so I don't also pay out for childcare for three DCs). The choice for me was have children and work or don't have children and work....