in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

[benetint]

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

I suppose its good to see that working is financially better for most than being on benefits. If you read the daily mail you'd never think it!

If I was a SAHM. I might have to make the children drink it

No water nothing but water you are a BAD MOTHER

Maternal martyrdom is pointless . Now, where's my ?

But what if I can't afford to pay my water rates cos I have no money EVEN THOUGH THATS MY CHOICE

Oh for fuck's sake. There are CLEARLY people whose financial circumstances mean they can't stay home, the sums just don't add up.

Yes they could choose to CHANGE those circumstances, by downsizing, moving to crappier areas (it's easy and cheap to move you know! especially nowadays), eating less , not having 'luxuries' like any holidays ever, or a means of getting around, or any new clothes, cutting everything to the bone (because none of those things are at all detrimental to children or parents, are they. )

But it's still a choice, is that your point OP? Tbh, if any of my friends went to those lengths to stay at home JUST to avoid childcare and not for any other reason I'd be concerned for them. instead most of them just get into debt but that's probably another thread, and not one I'll be starting.

Aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

arrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

wah waaah waaahhh

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

that's better.

Carry on.

I agree with the Op to a certain extent - most people have some degree of choice. It's just that for many the choice is between a less than perfect situation (wohm) and a really awful situation (losing home / bankruptcy / choosing between eating and heating).

Personally I choose to work. Although I have never said otherwise.

At yuleingfanjo

What's wrong with wanting to avoid childcare badpoet if you would prefer to be a SAHM?

"tantrumsandballoonsFri 16-Mar-12 22:07:01

But what if I can't afford to pay my water rates cos I have no money EVEN THOUGH THATS MY CHOICE
"

Sould have thought of that before you opted for the luxury "mains water" option.

Where has anyone said WOHMs are "bad mothers"?

Oh, that was the other thread FilterCoffee...

yes, sahms aer brainless and enjoy singing incy wincy spiderx1000
WOHMs are evil and shouldn't ahve bothered having children
PT mothers well they just want it all, but in reality they are shit employees and their children STILL suffer
Fathers, oh they're wonderful. Ah look he wiped her nose. Whta a GOOD DAD

Right. We have one car, no holidays (last one was honeymoon- 5 yrs ago, 3 nights in UK).

I cannot give up work as we rely on my wages to pay essential bills/mortgage. I have had part time request turned down. I have no choice. I hate it. But I earn enough that the childcare issue doesn't come into it.

We can't sell house and downsize without owing the mortgage company £15k and we have no deposit for even a smaller house

It is not a choice for me.

What's wrong with wanting to avoid childcare badpoet if you would prefer to be a SAHM?

Nothing - I actually said that if any of my friends would seriously downgrade their circumstances to SAH, I'd be concerned.

But why would you be concerned if you don't think there's anything wrong with making that choice? "Downgrade" sounds negative too.

I work cos I have a good job that I enjoy, and I would struggle to find as good a situation if I took a career break.

I work cos I like to be independent, pay into my own pension, contribute financially.

I work because I don't want to be totally skint (we could just about manage on one salary as we have a v small house, but it would be tight).

I work because I have the flexibilty of working pt, and access to a great workplace creche that my dcs love.

I am very lucky. As are the sahms I know whose husbands earn enough to keep the family afloat- none of whom are on the breadline.

Not everyone is so lucky. But its not a competition

I really don't have a choice. DH earns just under £12k a year. It's not his dream to be in that situation but he has had to take what work he can get in recession conditions. He keeps trying for better jobs but there are loads of applicants and so far he has had no success. There are many more like him. If anyone can send me a budget plan that does not involve benefits (and the associated stigma because let's face it you'd all complain if I was claiming) for everything on that amount please do. We can't downsize as we live at the bottom of the housing ladder and renting would be dearer than our mortgage. We have no car now and don't go on holidays abroad. Some (note some not all) SAHM don't seem to see that they are in a position of privilege and that not everyone has the same choices that they do whether that is through bad planning or bad luck such as illness or redundancy.

Imagine how many shoes we'd all have if we'd never even had kids ...

Yes, it sounds negative because I meant it to. I was talking about some of the so-called 'choices' that might be an alternative to working. But please feel free to misinterpret my words as sahm-bashing, although why I would do that when either dh or I were sahp until our youngest was 5, I don't know.

Tell you what though. I really did feel incredibly lucky that it was possible for us to do that.

Sure, I had a choice whether or not I went back to work.

Roof over my family's head or not?
Food or not?
Electricity or not?

Etc etc.

Scaling back for us would have meant "homeless". I don't think you can scale back further than that.