in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

[benetint]

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

I have no choice in going back to work. I have to. So does DP. YABU.

TrolleyDollop I think that's what happens a lot of the time. Certainly i have experience of that.

oh you're right..there is a choice in the matter.....i go back to work or we starve. its really that simple for us, since i'm the main earner and DP is facing redundancy yet again

YABU some people have no real choice.

For many women its a choice between giving up a career progression forever because once you take a break there's no real going back versus staying at home for a few years.

I made my choice, though it was made for us by reason.

Not really a 'free' choice'.

I guess it depends on what you mean by 'choice'. I choose to pay my bills, its not really a choice is it?

I am a SAHM by the way, and am learning the hard way that my 'choice' to SAH whilst the children were small has been a greater sacrifice to MY future than I ever imagined!!

YABU to assume, to judge, and to bolster your decisions by belittling others' lives.

Should add, my choice is slightly the opposite of many who have little ones, mine are approaching school age and now I find that I actually cannot afford to go back to work, or rather, it will cost me more than I earn. Some fucking choice eh?

I am not suggesting that anyone else has it easier by any means. But for most of us, our personal options are not free choice, but choosing between varying degrees of crapness, and choosing the course that will bring least damage!

(Feeling rather grumpy today)

I have just realised what an appalling human being (sorry woman, men seem to get off scot free) I am. I have children and the main reason I work is so I can afford my ponies. Shall I book my children into pscyotherapy now, or wait until they are older?

Yes, some mothers can really be so selfish that they will earn money to fund their own pleasures. It is shocking and dreadful. Thankfully, I will doubtless burn in hell, to make up for the lovely time I have with my daughters, riding my ponies and working to pay for it all in this life.

Once I return to work after maternity I will be doing nights. OH will have responsibility for DC during the night (when hopefully s/he will be at the stage of not waking much), I will look after DC during the day. I will be both working and also having the main responsibility for looking after my child. I will make sure I do this to the best of my abilities, whilst making sure I am providing the best life for my child possible. We can't afford for me to not work, we cannot afford childcare and we do not have anyone living close enough to us to give us practical help through looking childcare. We are one of those families who need both people working in order to pay for the essentials as well as finish off paying the debts to stop bailiffs/court action. So this is the way we're going to have to work around it. I don't think you appreciate how different people's situations can be from your own, and it is a little insulting that you genuinely seem to believe that bringing in 2 wages is all about living a lifestyle rather than being about a genuine need. I haven't had my hair cut in almost a year, when I buy clothes it's from charity shops, we have no hobbies, likewise we never have holidays, our car is 16 years old and cost £200 (and is essential to my work being that I'm a domiciliary carer). To us our choice is all very much about trying to make life better for our children. Who are you to judge?

btw, being in full time work and so having to pay for childcare can still leave people financially better off as opposed to one parent providing childcare and the other working FT - for others in debt or whatever this can still be a better option. So it's not a particularly good argument you've come up with anyway.

Choice eh?
jelliebelly wrote:
"YABU I fail to see how living in a shit area, never having a holiday and doing the weekly shop at Lidl......"

I do all of those things. I work because i have absolutely no choice. Well unless you call reposession a choice?

OH is self-employed, but has not had a paid contract for three years.
Please come and choose my "lifestyle"

YABU.... lone parents like myself have no choice. Or rather we have a choice between 'working' and 'existing on benefits'. Suggest you get your head out of your arse and consider the possibility that others don't have the luxury of choice you do OP

Good post Cogito. My 'D'H left when DS was very little. For me the 'choice' was go back to work as a lawyer or claim benefits.

OP, well done for having such a well planned life. Sadly, life doesn't always go to plan. Unplanned pregnancies, meeting partners late in life, unexpected divorce, historical debts, stock market crash wiping out savings - there are plenty of reasons why parents may not have a 'choice' about going back to work.

Jinsel, you've given many wonderful reasons for being a WOHM but please don't feel you need to justify yourself to anyone! Especially not me! Like I said at the start I'm not WOHM bashing, I was just making the point that for a great number of people it IS a choice either way!

I agree with Feather that the important thing is that you are happy with your own choice. I just get tired of people saying it was wonderful for me that I had a choice when they didn't (and they clearly did).

I acknowledge that some people genuinely have no choice - like single parents as mentioned in my first post or being at risk of being deported as later mentioned. And of course I feel awful for people who have got in so much debt prior to having no children that they have little choice too. I am one of those people affected by negative equity on our house. But by choice we bought a house that we would be able to afford on one salary. But again I acknowledge not everyone plans ahead/may have unexpected pregnancies etc.

But my point still is the majority of people DO have a choice. And I think this thread has proved that.

To the poster who is a WOHM saving for her kids' future - you're doing a wonderful thing. It sounds like you've made a great choice for the benefit of your kids. But again working to save for their future is a CHOICE!

Likewise the poster who asked their own son if he would prefer her to be a SAHM or have the latest gadgets. Again you have chosen to be a WOHM and it sounds like you and your son are happy for this - again that's great and a CHOICE!

CognitoErgo - I suggest you do the same with your head and read my original post, I said single parents have no choice.

YANBU. I totally agree.

Poopooinmytoes - thanks for your posts! I'm glad you got the hypothetical tone of my OP and you understand what I mean!

Messalina, thanks for knowing I'm not bashing any particular type of mother. Good luck with the new baby.

Thanks Babydusteverywhere, I won't bite my lip in future! I hope your situation's working out well for you

OP, I know you weren't WOHM bashing, and I know I don't have to justify my choices. But sometimes I do want to explain why I work, as there is a perception that WOHMs are going to work just for handbag money & posh holidays. I know that many parents choose to SAH with their kids for equally valid reasons.

Tantrum, I'm sorry you've read lots of threads bashing WOHM recently. And I'm sorry you thought this was an ill disguised one also. It isn't.

If you are happy with your choices then don't let those other threads upset you.

Thanks Jinsel, I appreciate that. It sounds like you're doing a great job. We all are!

Ahhh handbags and holidays would be nice though...

Thanks for your post TheBolter, totally agree. Sorry you've had similar comments in the past too.

Do you know what, sod off. And have my first .

I have to work because if I didn't we wouldn't eat. Literally. Ok, if we rented a house and hadn't got loads of debts from when we were students, then no I wouldn't have to. But to me, security of a house is more important.

It makes me so so fucking angry that there is the implication that if we didn't have nice cars or go on holiday, then I could not work. It's just not true. We haven't been on holiday for years, and while we do have 2 nice cars, they are through work so of I didn't work, we wouldn't have them.

This has made me so so cross. I would give up work tomorrow if I could. You are so lucky to be a SAHM. Come up with some better retorts than backhanded digs at working mums.

Clearly sh wasn't talking about you spammer

Stealth, cheers for your posts too - make a lot of sense!

Starlight, it sounds like you're doing a great job too, don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything else! I have so many friends like you who simply can't afford childcare, its one of the reasons I thought that people who are paying for childcare must be choosing to!

Spammer, you are lucky to own your own house. Many people haven't got that luxury and do have to rent. Again the "security of owning your own home" may be a wonderful choice for you and your DCS. But its still a choice.