in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

[benetint]

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

Serenty you are missing the point that people prioritize differnt things

No stealth, our debts were mainly credit card debts, I'm not going to go into why we were in debt to credit cards but it was not down to our lifestyle or choosing to live beyond our means.

You have no idea why, and I take offense to your sarky comment as you really have no clue what went on

True rose

My view is life is all about choices and whether they are palatable to you or not. In my case I chose to continue with my career which I had worked hard to achieve and love and chose to maintain any equal financial footing and responsibility with DH: that was the choice that worked for me but I don't denigrate anyone else for making their choices

It wasn't sarkt and im genuinely sorry you took it that way. I meant if that turns out to be the case I will look like a completely heartless cow! I understand you have debts and I sympathise. I just don't undrstanf why some families can plan to survive on say 30k and others can't. I realise many wouldn't say right I'm an sahm now , I couldn't easily even if I wanted to. But if its something hat was importnat to you from the start, you'd make it happen

I could make it happen Stealth.Of course I could!

The first thing that'd happen is we'd have to move out of the area to a poorer one.As it is my kids share a room but I reckon we could all share a bed in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' style!My kids would have to change schools.I don't know how we'd run a car,so I'm buggered if I know how DH would get to his job, as public transport wouldn't be an option....

Well I had a choice. If I wanted to loose my flat and be dependent on benefits I could be a stay at home mum. My dh earns around £800 per month after tax and we have 2 kids to support and a mortgage to pay.

I'm not missing that point at all- do you think anyone is stupid enough NOt to realise people live their lives by different choices? (well actually my MIL is) but I'm not; I don't give a fig if you so desperately want to be a sahm you downsize your life. But that's about you isn't it?

However people only consider things to be choices if they are choices for THEM. Plenty of people don't consider the thing described her choices.

Also we have no car and live in a flat, in a not particularly great area.

Not everyone has a choice. Life can take these choices away, for example I am a SAHP due to necessity and DS's disabilities, not because I actually want to be a SAHP. That statement alone makes me a cow, but I am so desperate to get back to work, but with every appointment it just feels like work is further away.

I can easily see how financial commitments made pre children mean that many mothers who WOH feel like they have no choice too. And I can imagine that does upset some women actually.

I agree whole-heatedly with Serenitysutton - well said.

Poor children with SAHM is less desirable to financially secure children with WOHM. From a child's point of view, well, from an adult who was that child's view...

Many of us don't get 30k with both of us working Stealth!

OP there's an element of choice,as you say.
You choose to start an ill disguised thread bashing WOHM
I choose to disagree as do many people
Other people choose to agree with you

Having read myself trying to justify why I did not choose to live on benefits so I could be a SAHM I now realize I do what is best for my family and I am done justifying my life, which I love.

I am sick of the threads on here over the last couple of days trying to make WOHP feel they are doing the wrong thing
I happen to love my life
And I can't help but think that if you OP loved your life and choices as much, you would not need a thread on mn to help you feel better about it

Perhaps there is an element of choice for a very small amount of people. There won't be for me though when our baby comes along in August as DP works to contracts and work/his wages can vary hugely. We will both need to work to keep a (very small!) roof over our heads and run 1 car between us.

Yes we would love a bigger house, a second car and nice holidays but we won't get them just because we both work! The money we earn just about sustains the standard of living we have at the minute. We don't have a choice, simple as that because if we did I would stay at home! Sadly though, that might mean no food on the table for a couple like us.

Serenitysutton- actually there is lots of researcgh to say the opposite is true.They crave the stability of a aprent at home- not spending hours out of the house in wrap round care much more than they care about their own bedroom or 'hot' holidays.It makes me wonder about your realationship with your mother if I'm honest.
Of course grinding poverty in miseerable unsuitable housing , constantly fearing unecpected expense is no way to live either, very stressful fopr the whole family.

ariadne - what a horrible thing to say!

I completely agree with the last post. In our case, I had to (I also really wanted to) because I am the main breadwinner but didn't earn quite enough to cover everything on my own and DH stop work. We would have had to have moved to a 1 bedroom house again. And frankly, if anyone told me that I 'choose' to stay in a 2 bedroom house and thus not be a SAHM, I would probably say something pretty rude back. So sorry, YABU.

Tantrums. I honestly don't believe this thread is bashing anyone. If you feel upset about it then perhaps its because you aren't that happy with your choices or are a bit sensitive about it. The op was talking from her own personal experience as someone who is a sahm and the comments she gets from others. It wasn't a judgement on anyone else.

ariadne - nice comments, not!

Acutally, I thought the 'last post' was something completely different. It was something by someone called Meryl Streep. It was sensible. But also agree that Ariadne said something horrible. Has Theseus just dumped her?

Molly. I don't see how that was horrible.

Huh! Have i just read something different to everyone else? I didn't read it like that.

I don't think I can cope with another thread full of bollox today.

When anyone feels the need to start a thread with the words "I'm not judging anyone but..." clearly they are. I love the choices I made and feel a lot of pride we have got through some difficult financial times.
In an ideal world I would have preferred to work p/t I am not cut out to be a SAHM and im happy with that but my choice was work f:t or be on benefits