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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

321 replies

benetint · 16/03/2012 18:16

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 16/03/2012 20:34

Yes everyone has a choice. And in some cases the choice could be to forgo holidays, bigger house, etc. However in some cases parents feel understandably as they have no choice because the alternative is so poor. So having to move to overcrowded accommodation or an area with very high crime for example.

But I do understand the point you are making and why you get fed up of people saying they have no choice.

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 20:35

We wouldn't have starved when my DH was made redundant, we would have been in council accommodation on benefits, is it that hard to imagine how hard it would be to lose £25k a year just like that?
Do you think that would be easy?

StarlightDicKenzie · 16/03/2012 20:35

Tethers, childcare for our 3 under 5s costs more than DH's an my combined income.

Therefore the only choice we have is over which one stays at home, not WHETHER one of us does.

There are additional issues to do with DS' SN but tbh without those our non choice would be the same.

TalkinPeace2 · 16/03/2012 20:36

Stealth
sadly, one consequence of the sustained low mortgage rates is that there are hundreds of thousands of people in hidden negative equity who are "servicing" their debt rather than repaying it.

I read the HousePriceCrash forums (this name, no 2)

if base rate rose to 2%
the number of houses hitting the market would cause a 30% drop in prices and a multi % rise in unemployment

the country IS on a knife edge

only central London does not see it

lesley33 · 16/03/2012 20:38

Yes house prices here are much lower than they were in 2008. There are lots of people where I live in negative equity.

1Catherine1 · 16/03/2012 20:38

[works out cost of moving to Wales - dies of shock] I could have a 3 bed house here for that commuting cost! (I live in the SE) But again, I have the choice to move to Wales and be a SAHM...

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:42

Fair enough. Scary thought. What happens if the cost of childcare goes through the roof?
And no I don't hunk it would be easy to lose 25k but I bet there are people who live on the amount you'd have to live on. What makes them different? Pure luck or different choices?

EdlessAllenPoe · 16/03/2012 20:43

yes, there's always a choice,

for single mothers/mothers with non-working husbands that choice may mean being entirely benefit-dependent

for other is may mean no financial sacrifice at all - i do know people who work because they enjoy it, 'to keep their hand in' ..other non financial reasons.

that's not no choice. but it may be a very stark difference for some.

I think the reason for it being WOHM / SAHM season is it is mothers day week, and if, like me, you were presented with a letter inviting you to a mothers coffee morning at the school on fri 16th on thursday night after work, you'd be resenting having to work (and school for poor communication..) ...and others (those that went) may be looking at the children who are un-mothered at such events and feeling sorry for them.

which reminds me to organise things for MIL/DM from the kids tomorrow..

Original poster
benetint · 16/03/2012 20:44

Quick question for those who say they couldn't afford their bills etc on one salary - what would you do if your salary didn't cover the cost of childcare? There are people out there who can't afford childcare and who don't have available family members to look after their DCs and they have to cope somehow.

OP posts:
nightmusk · 16/03/2012 20:45

I might give up my job and see what benefits I can get.

I don't want to work.I want to stay at home,and look after my kids.

Original poster
benetint · 16/03/2012 20:46

Hazelnut, it is your choice as a family though - you could choose as a family for your DH to stay at home. You shouldn't assume the only choice is for you to stay at home. That would be completely unreasonable.

OP posts:
nightmusk · 16/03/2012 20:46

I'm fed up of justifying why I work when I don't even want to.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:46

So is there no way you can make that happen?

Roseformeplease · 16/03/2012 20:47

Isn't it wonderful that, less than 100 years after we got the long awaited right to vote we can now do what the hell we want. Everyone has some kind of choice although in many cases one is truly shit and the other not much better. But we are free to choose unlike so many women in so many parts of the world.

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 20:47

There are people who can live on that amount, however when you have a lifestyle (and by life style I mean mortgage payments, credit card payments, utilities, car insurance etc, not holidays, electronic gadgets) funded by your yearly salary and then you lose it overnight, we had to move to a rented flat which cost more than our mortgage, we were using credit card to pay bills, we had debt and we just worked very hard to get it back together.

Now we just about pay all our bills, run one 12 yr old car, clothe our family and pay for the 2 boys to play football

We haven't been on holiday in 4 years but we now have no debt and a minuscule amount of savings

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:48

I'm a ft wohm/wahm but IME mn is very sahm bashing
Anyone follow all this acronyms? :o

Mutt · 16/03/2012 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlightDicKenzie · 16/03/2012 20:48
Meglet · 16/03/2012 20:49

Single parents often don't have a choice and we have to work. But, hey, that's ok. The goverment would rather spend £££ on our childcare so we can work. Never mind the toll it takes on the parent and children Angry Sad.

And if anyone says it's fine because I'm paying taxes, what I pay for in tax is a drop in the ocean compared to what childcare and the NHS bills cost trying to keep me going. I wouldn't be ill if I wasn't burnt out from work and looking after the kids.

Also agree with starlight, childcare can more than wipe out one persons earnings and the other might not have enough to make up the difference.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:50

Ben. That's what happened to us so i lost my salary. We massively reduced our outgoings as much as we could and gave up a lot of luxuries. Got into debt. Found other ways to earn money. Moved to a cheaper area etc.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:50

Tantrums I have no doubt people love to their means I agree. If we lost my salary or shaz overnight wed struggle and things would have to change. But surely unless you live on the breadlone, that is always possible. And the way you Li e, debts you accrue etc are all part of choices. In most cases.
Please don't tell me your debts were to buy a family member a kidney!

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 20:50

Benetint- maybe they did what we did? I worked during the day, DH worked nights, no childcare needed. We did this for 18 months, it was horrible

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:51

But it wa an option open to you?

Serenitysutton · 16/03/2012 20:53

I think it's bullshit. Ask the kids whether they'd rather their own bedroom and a hot holiday or mummy at home; my mother stayed at home and I hated going without- we weren't poor by any imagination but it was always clear families with working mothers had more money (upper working class area) my mum did go back when my youngest sister was 18m anyway.

Who would want to bring their children up in a miserable area (downsizing by default is always worse; houses are cheaper for a reason) not being able to give them the things you'd like to? By choice? That's no better a choice than working and having then in childcare IMO. You have no way to know what will damage them more.

Mind you, parents who earn less than childcare costs don't have a choice. A life without choice can be pretty miserable

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:53

Meglet. What if your wages weren't enough to pay the childcare. Would you give up work?