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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

321 replies

benetint · 16/03/2012 18:16

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

OP posts:
Mutt · 16/03/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedinwhite · 16/03/2012 20:12

Agrees with Kungfupanda. I do remember being irritated though with a lady who used to live opposite us who went on and on about how lucky I was to have a choice. Yes, I did. But if like us they had foregone the bright shiny German car, the very expensive clothes, the eating out, the perfect home, the holidays abroad, she too would have had a choice.

MadameChinLegs · 16/03/2012 20:12

I may be wrong here, and am happy to stand corrected, but surely if you live with your husband, in a home you own, then the benefits you can claim are exceptionally small, and therefore not as much as working full time on minimum wage?

Shenanagins · 16/03/2012 20:15

For me I don't feel I do have a choice of taking a career break.

I have the big house, good car and fancy holidays but I also have a medical condition which means that I face the real threat that in a few years I may not be able to work or find an employer willing to take me and my condition on.

Life is not always black and white, some people for a variety of reasons don't have a choice.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:15

Chocoroo, wherever I have worked I've had colleagues, usually male with sah wives. They managed, despite te fact dh and I earn roughly similar. So it makes me believe that our family could too. And we choose not to

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:15

I think Molly is doing that thing where a person makes a decision and then keeps justifying it and criticises people for making a different one. Someone on here gave it a name the other day. Anyone know?

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 20:16

No madame cause if you just did it off most people I knows dhs income you could have free school diners, prescriptions, a pretty substantational amount in tax credits etc. Most people also get a lot on hb here as thats the way it is. Also if you work on minimum wage you have to pay 30% per child towards their childcare which you wouldnt if you stayed at home. There isnt much gap between the two here with high rent/house prices

Clayhanger · 16/03/2012 20:18

OP, instead of biting your lip when a WOHM says she had no choice, consider that the same woman may have actively wanted to go back to work but is doing a classic bit of female self-deprecation. You can't be seen to be too ambitious, even in 2012.. :)

TandB · 16/03/2012 20:18

Ah but Madame, you could choose to leave your DH and claim benefits as a single parent. Even if you didn't want to, it is still a choice.

Such a daft argument, this. Everything is a choice. Everything. Unless you are enslaved or imprisoned. Even the basic choice whether to carry on living. There are different levels of desirability, but everything is a choice. I could choose not to get up in the morning, not to feed my baby and leave him to scream until social services removed him. I could choose not to clean my toddler's poo up. These are all choices that are not really choices because the alternative is too crap to contemplate. Different people will have different levels of tolerance for crapness but everything is a choice.

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 20:18

poopoo - I dont care who makes what choice and totally respect people who stay at home if they can afford it. I dont think people should do it if they cant. I very very much value being with children as its my job. I just am saying that I dont think most people would be pleased all the workers in all those jobs I stated just gave them up. I see it every day how the peope struggle with it, especially lots of single mums. Upmost respect to the lot of them.

MadameChinLegs · 16/03/2012 20:19

I don't understand, Molly. If I stay at home, DH works full time, I can then claim free school dinners, get free prescriptions and a wodge of TCs and HB? Even though my husband earns money and we have a mortgage? I'm rather confused.

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 20:20

Madame - Howmuch does your DH earn? If he is on a low wage then yes

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:21

Madame i didn't say that was a better way to raise your children but that's for you to decide. You don't need to justify your choice.

attheendoftheday · 16/03/2012 20:21

PooPoo I think that other than starting with the line 'I would never judge anyone' it's quite a judgemental post. All the overtones of 'you could have made the great sacrafice I did, but instead you prioritised youself having nice things' is pretty condemnatory. Other posters have made comments about 'giving up your children' so you can continue to work.

And yes, I am not happy to work ft. I would much rather be with dd, I am concerned that she will be harmed by me working. So it's bloody fantastic to read a thread about how it's all my fault, and I should instead have chosen to live on the beach eating barncles, or camped in a haystack, or whatever.

MadameChinLegs · 16/03/2012 20:22

He is on a very low wage. May have to do some research.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:23

Molly who has said that everyone in your sort of job should give it up?! I don't see what that's got to do with the price of eggs.

DonInKillerHeels · 16/03/2012 20:25

Er -YADBU. Those of us currently in housing hell who would have liked to be SAHMs but who would go bankrupt if they stopped working because they can't sell definitely do not have a choice. Unless you think choosing between working and going bankrupt is a choice?

1Catherine1 · 16/03/2012 20:27

Without going crazy here. Some people have no choice.

I mean I could choose to be a SAHM and live on my OH wage. Is it a luxury to live in a 2 bed place with 3 people? Lets assume it is. So, all 3 of us could live in a 1 bed flat. In our area the cheapest you can rent one of those for is about £600 pcm + £100 CT. Oh dear, with the financial commitments (minus the ones we could cancel) we're spending £65 more than he earns and not buying food. So, moving to a cheaper area, I think a studio is a push but perhaps we could manage a 1 bed flat in a not so nice area but still commutable to OH work, [works it out], now we have £80 a month to buy food and other stuff we need. Lets hope nothing breaks or wears out.

So ofc I have a choice, but not much of one...

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:27

Attheend. I think you're taking it too personally. Perhaps because you are so worried about you child? The thread is just a hypothetical wondering sort of thread imo. Not to get upset about. No one is saying you shouldn't be working or anything.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:29

Catherine. You could move to Wales? I've heard its cheap there in parts Grin

TalkinPeace2 · 16/03/2012 20:29

I did not "go back to work" as in my field its 50 hours or nothing
so I "portfolio" and fit around the kids and the gym.
I'd have gone (more) psychotic if I'd stopped using my brain
but do not for a minute miss the full time office.

Its not black and white - its shades of grey
I waited to have kids till I knew my earning power would give me the flexibility.
Luckily since then DHs earning power has risen more than expected and I do not have to consider full time work again.

But would not want to join my friends with kids at boarding school, husbands working away and cleaners, who are uber fit and uber bored

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 20:29

don of course it is a choice you could of taken out a massive loan cant get credit? go to a loan shark on your estate and he can kneecap you if you dont pay it back. Hmm

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 20:32

Killerhills. I know someone who has just gone bankrupt. Not great but he's happy now as its a weight off his mind. So not the end of the world and yes a choice.

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 20:32

Sorry what was the post about people you work with every day choosing to make themselves homeless and people on here not understanding that?
I don't really understand what that was meant to mean?

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 20:32

I refuse to believe so many people are trapped by circumstances as this though. Is it really this bad? Are there rePly so many people who would starve if one or other lost their job through redundancy? I had no idea