Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

321 replies

benetint · 16/03/2012 18:16

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 16/03/2012 19:35

I would have rather cut my own arm off or live in a bedsit on pennies than "give up" my child when he was under 2 or 3 to a stranger. I didn't feel that way when he was born, but within about 6 months that was the strength of our connection. It took me by surprise, as I planned to return to work within a year, but just couldn't (and wouldn't).

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 19:35

We both work and we get 25k between us for 65 hours (him 40, me 25) nearly everyone of my working friends is in a similar household income with both people working. We have had a big raise as well lately of 1.5k through DHs job so have got a lot more moeny than most of the dual income households I know.

Original poster
benetint · 16/03/2012 19:39

Other than the poster who said they would be deported I can't see anyone else who hasn't had any choice.

e.g. for those who earn more than their DHs but said that SAHD wouldn't "suit" them that's their family's choice!

e.g. for those who say if you've trained for x years to be a solicitor and its difficult to get back into the profession...again its you who wants and choses to go back to that profession. I trained for 5 years to enter my profession and I know it will be hard to go back but I'm looking forward to it too.

I never said I was better than anyone else for being a SAHM, I said at the start and the end of my post I have equal respect for both choices. My point is that is what they are. Choices.

And I also didn't say that it would be a better choice to live in a shit area. Of course not. But again it IS a choice!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 19:39

I got what you mean op. I've had the same. We chose for me to stay at home knowing we would be short of money. I work part time from home sometimes but don't earn much and its exhausting working at night when my kids are asleep. We've had no holidays, no fancy cars, second hand clothes, had to move to a cheaper area etc. And are in debt. We get no help with childcare.

A certain person i know gets free childcare. I told her once that she was lucky to get free childcare enabling her to work for a profit. She didn't agree. She is not grateful for the help she gets and thinks she's entitled to it. Calls me lazy and said that SHE had no choice. Which like you say of course she did. She could have chosen to go without like me and to get into debt like me. She doesn't NEED label clothes or to buy her kids every toy under the sun.

We all make choices.

HazleNutt · 16/03/2012 19:41

I earn about 5-6 times more than DH. Sure it's still a choice, but on my salary we can afford our house. Yes, we can also afford nice cars and foreign holidays (and handbags). On his, we would struggle with basics. Sure it's a choice, but me staying home is not really a reasonable one in those circumstances, is it?

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 19:42

benetint - Would you prefer people to stay at home and claim benefits or work? I think it is better for society for people to work if they are capable especially if they are in essential roles.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:43

Who has mentioned benefits?

Mutt · 16/03/2012 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
benetint · 16/03/2012 19:45

HazieNutt, I'll take yours as an example. No, it might not be a reasonable choice for you to stay at home and why should it? In your circumstances your DH could have been the one to stay at home!

Why assume its the woman who should stay at home?

OP posts:
molly3478 · 16/03/2012 19:46

I am saying in my posts my 'choices' were to go on benefits or to work. I dont think that is really a choice. If I stayed at home i could claim housing, free dinners etc etc off my DHs income but as I work I dont. If everyone made that choice when they are capable of working eg no sn, disabilities etc then most people would judge it. Nearly every working person in my setting is in that situation

TandB · 16/03/2012 19:46

Does it matter whether people say or think they had a choice or not? It is their choice or not.

It doesn't affect your choices.

This is just the same old thing - someone thinking their choice is 'more valid' as a previous poster said, and not wanting anyone else to say anything to suggest otherwise. We all think our choices are the right ones and we would all ideally like everyone to agree with us, but everyone is different so it's never going to happen.

Mutt · 16/03/2012 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameChinLegs · 16/03/2012 19:46

We had two choices, work-wise, when deciding become parents:
(1) We both work and earn just enough to run a banger of a car and keep our tiny flat
(2) One of us stops work and we do not then earn enough to cover our bills, let alone anything else, and so all three of us become homeless

No choice for me.

Unless you are suggesting, OP, that as one of us is not able to stay at home with our DC til school age we should hav re-considered whether to become parents?

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 19:47

Astronaut. Those are still choices like the op is saying. There are always choices even if they are not good ones.

You don't have to own a car.

You don't have to go on holiday.

You don't have to give you kids a bedroom each.

You could buy a flat, move to an even cheaper area as there always is one. You could even sell your furniture and sit on the floor. Extreme but that is what the op is saying. Everything is a choice.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:48

Kung but the op could equally say I'm lucky to have the job I do (and Tbh I'd agree) but I'd also be thinkign I qualified, applied and work Damn hard

Mutt · 16/03/2012 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

featherbag · 16/03/2012 19:49

I think the important thing, SAHM or WOHM, is to be happy with your choices. My DS is almost 24 weeks old, in 2 weeks I'll be handing him over to my DM for up to 3 days a week (I'm full time but work 3 x 13hr shifts a week, sometimes they will be on weekends so DH will look after DS) so I can return to work. I'm extremely happy with this, so is my DH and DM. DS loves my mum so although he's only little I think I can safely say he'll be happy with this too! A friend of mine with an 8mo DD has decided that they will cut back to manage on her DH's salary (which is more than mine and DH's combined, she was on slightly more than NMW and didn't really like her job) and she will SAH. They're extremely happy with their decision, I'm happy for them as much as they're happy for us.

Why on earth does this have to be a competition? Do what's best for your family, tell anyone who disagrees to fuck the fuck off and mind their own business!

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 19:50

See no one is commenting on my posts as in the 1000s of people like me what choice do we have? Our kids dont have their own rooms, and never been abroad etc. We just work for the same amount we could get in benefits but we do it to not be a burden on society. This makes me angry Angry

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 19:50

Madame. Yep still a choice. You could have chosen to get into debt like me. That might not be an acceptable idea to you but its an option none the less.

attheendoftheday · 16/03/2012 19:51

And for those of us who already live in the cheapest housing, don't go on holiday, have an old banger of a car? How do you suggest we downsize to manage on half the income so I can stop work? We don't pay for childcare as dp and I work at different times (and lovely mil helps out).

Actually, it is a choice, everything is, but when the alternative is likely to make our family homeless it's not much of a choice.

I start back to work ft on Monday, and I would really love to be able to stay with dd. I'm worried I'm damaging her by leaving her. I have looked at every way I can to stay at home, but cannot find a way. Stop being so bloody judgy because from where I am you're lucky to have the choice.

quickhide · 16/03/2012 19:51

Oh fgs. This is really pedantic. Of course everything, everything is a choice! It cuts both ways- lots of SAHMs say they would love to work but don't have a choice as they can't afford childcare. Actually if they really wanted to work they could do evenings/weekends, they just choose not to.

What's with all this self-flagellation and judging of WOHMs/SAHMs on here at the moment? The subtext of all these kind of posts is 'I'm not judging you- but actually I am and I know I'm better than you'

Disclaimer- I am grumpy and stuck on a train on the way home from work. I am also working tomorrow, and on mothers day. Because I chose to, so that we can maybe just maybe save for a deposit so us and the DC can live in our own home rather than rented one day.

quickhide · 16/03/2012 19:51

Oh fgs. This is really pedantic. Of course everything, everything is a choice! It cuts both ways- lots of SAHMs say they would love to work but don't have a choice as they can't afford childcare. Actually if they really wanted to work they could do evenings/weekends, they just choose not to.

What's with all this self-flagellation and judging of WOHMs/SAHMs on here at the moment? The subtext of all these kind of posts is 'I'm not judging you- but actually I am and I know I'm better than you'

Disclaimer- I am grumpy and stuck on a train on the way home from work. I am also working tomorrow, and on mothers day. Because I chose to, so that we can maybe just maybe save for a deposit so us and the DC can live in our own home rather than rented one day.

tethersend · 16/03/2012 19:54

"....although yes, I could have been deported and my poor child would have been separated from his dad and me from my dh"

That's my point laptopdancer- if the OP wants to be that pedantic, then we must include all choices, including ones like yours where one option is infinitely preferable to the other.

I am having trouble thinking of a situation where there is absolutely no choice at all... Therefore I am having trouble seeing the OP's point. It's commonly accepted parlance to say you have 'no choice', and if you take issue with WOHP saying it, then there is a long list of others to take to task too.

maddening · 16/03/2012 19:54

yabu - you are casting a prejudgment on people as you feel that they are making a prejudgment re you and being a sahm?

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 19:55

Janelikesjam- are you REALLY saying you would prefer to live in a tiny bedsit, on pennies so obviously without adequate food, heat and light than use professional child care and go to work to provide an adequate standard of living?

Clearly you have never been in that situation and had to make that choice.
My husband was made redundant when I was pregnant with our first child.
Our house was repossessed as we couldn't pay the mortgage so we had 2 choices, either go on benefits and be given a council bedsit or try and get back on track by working hard, renting and saving.

We chose to work hard-both of us

I guess you wouldn't have done that though!