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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking there's nearly always an element of choice in the decision to go back to work?

321 replies

benetint · 16/03/2012 18:16

I would never judge anyone (mother or father) for going back to work after having children. I think its entirely individual choice, whatever works for each family.

However I'm getting a bit sick of people saying to me "oh its okay for you being a SAHM, I had no choice to go back to work" when they clearly have a nicer car/go on holidays/live in a bigger house/nicer area etc.

DH and I decided that one of us would stay home to look after DCs till they were in school. As he earned more we decided this would be me. Its not been easy financially by any stretch and we've had to stay in a not-so-nice area, not have holidays etc etc.

But what I don't understand is people who say they have no choice in this matter. Surely if there are people out there who can't afford to pay for childcare then the people who can afford it are choosing to do so? (I obviously make an exception for single parents here, who can't rely on someone else's salary).

I understand that people may have to go back to work to support the lifestyle they currently have...but if they really wanted to they could downsize/move to a worse area/not have a car etc etc.

Anyway I'm not looking for s SAHM/WOHM debate, I'm just a bit tired of biting my lip every time I hear the same comment.

OP posts:
jinsei · 16/03/2012 19:07

There wasn't really any choice for me to go back to work, as I am the main breadwinner and we'd have struggled to get by on DH's salary alone. DH could have chosen not to retun to work after a period at home with dd, but being a SAHD didn't suit him.

If I had had a choice, I'd have gone back anyway, as I saw the damage that staying at home for years did to my mum. In an ideal world, I'd like to reduce my hours but this isn't really possible in my current job.

nightmusk · 16/03/2012 19:08

But if you really really can't do the basics unless both of you work,what then?
Do benefits 'kick in' ?

laptopdancer · 16/03/2012 19:08

YABU

I DID have to go back to work as I was on a work permit. If I hadnt, I would have been deported.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:09

Clayhanger I work full time and love it

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 19:09

I agree clayhanger, I like working, it doesn't take away from my parenting at all

However I still do NEED to work whether I liked it or not!

tethersend · 16/03/2012 19:09

It should be an equal choice. Neither staying at home nor returning to work should be penalised, both are valid choices.

Financial reasons are not the only factor in deciding to go back to work; women (and it usually is women) are often penalised for taking time out of work, and can't return at the same level. Sometimes deciding to stay at home until the kids reach school age spells the end of your career prospects.

jelliebelly · 16/03/2012 19:09

YABU I fail to see how living in a shit area, never having a holiday and doing the weekly shop at Lidl is BETTER for children than living in a nice house with fab holidays and the latest gadgets/toys. Yes I could choose not to work but why would I?

laptopdancer · 16/03/2012 19:10

I recently gave ds the choice. I could leave work and spend more time with him and have less money or stay as we were.
He chose for me to stay at work

Born2BRiiiled · 16/03/2012 19:10

I said that pinkapple. Still think it makes it more difficult. Depends what the fifty-fifty is. I know no-one who has sold their home and moved to a bad area. That would indeed be a sacrifice. Giving up a holiday abroad and this alone meaning you can SAH must mean it was one heck of a holiday.

bubbles1112 · 16/03/2012 19:11

I had no choice...well I could have not but we wouldn't have been able to pay our mortgage. Both our cars are 10 years old and dh is an RAF reserve to bring in extra income so we can keep our cars on the road and have a weeks holiday in the UK each year.

YABU and talking crap!

tethersend · 16/03/2012 19:11

Most things are a choice, though aren't they?

I am having trouble thinking of a situation where a person literally has no choice...

tantrumsandballoons · 16/03/2012 19:12

But it's a funny thing, if anyone dares to say a word against SAHP then there's uproar, how can people devalue what SAHP do, the sacrifice they make for their children but WOHP are fair game, everyone feels its ok to start threads pitying the poor children who's mothers are not at home with them 24/7

ByTheWay1 · 16/03/2012 19:13

I AM lucky to have been a SAHM -

I am very lucky that we made the choice for me to be so if we had kids - before we got married. So for 2 years every penny I earned from my job was ploughed into savings, we lived frugally, we didn't get a new car, no big holidays, we have few gadgets (other than a nice shiny dishwasher - there are sacrifices and there are sacrifices!!!!), now those savings are gradually being used to maintain our lifestyle and the kids are at school and I work part time.

Yep there are always choices, depends how much you want something - but I will always acknowledge that I was lucky!!

laptopdancer · 16/03/2012 19:19

tethersend see my example for no choice

....although yes, I could have been deported and my poor child would have been separated from his dad and me from my dh

FilterCoffee · 16/03/2012 19:20

YANBU. It is possible to live on a lowish income, but some people feel this is not for them and so they "have" to go back to work to maintain their standard of living. Others in the same circumstances decide to stay at home.

bubbles1112 · 16/03/2012 19:21

What's the big deal with being a mother that works anyway? My dd's like having riding lessons, piano lessons, swimming lessons and ballet lessons. They like having a nice party and a house with a garden and their own bedroom. I am still able to pick them up from school each day and I don't believe they are mentally scarred from going to nursery. I'm fairly sure they are pleased I "choose" to work and I'm proud that the addition of my salary allows my kids to have some great experiences (and pays some bills too)

FilterCoffee · 16/03/2012 19:22

jelliebelly it's quite possible for children to be happy without "fab holidays" and "the latest gadgets/toys".

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:25

I fail to see how planning you life and finance to all one parent to sah is lucky. I realise some people are unlucky in that they would have liked to have sah but circumstances change. I couldn't sah, we need my salary. That's not luck, we made the decision to do that knowing I would return. The op made different decisions. She wasn't lucky any more than I was unlucky

rogersmellyonthetelly · 16/03/2012 19:26

I had a simple choice, go back to work or not be able to pay the mortgage. Sure we could have rented but that would have left us in negative equity. Different choices pre conception would have meant I could stay at home but it was a bit late for that.

StealthPolarBear · 16/03/2012 19:27

Just before it starts I know that doesn't apply to everyone, people whose circumstances have changed etc. But in the main, if you're driving 2 new cars and having foreign hols, you had a choice

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 19:29

Childcare is paid by tax credits so I do it for self respect I dont want anyone to give me benefits for sitting at home when I am capable of working.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 16/03/2012 19:29

How nice of you to make an exception for us single parents, OP Hmm.

molly3478 · 16/03/2012 19:31

Also for instance no one at my setting pays for their own childcare its all done through tax credits. Would you really prefer all those people to quit their jobs and stay at home? That means you wouldnt have nursery staff, carers for the elderly or learning disabled, waiting staff, cleaners, chambermaids, admin staff etc etc.

StarlightDicKenzie · 16/03/2012 19:33

For most, it is a matter of priorities.

For some, there really is no choice. Childcare, partcularly for multiple children can cost the family more than they could earn.

Astronaut79 · 16/03/2012 19:33

Didn't want to get involved in another 'wohm vs sahm', but:

I'm the main earner.

We already live in a v cheap area and definitely not where I wanted to live.

We drive 10 year old cars.

We have not been on holiday for 3 years.

We don't have gadgets or shiny things

Our house is 2.5 bedrooms (2 kids) and is tiny, so not entirely sure how we could downsize.

I work, sorry, we work, not for luxuries but to live for now and to try and put money aside for emergencies and for the kids' futures. We work in the hope that in a few years time we will have the money to get the occasional luxury.

Just think yourself lucky you can afford to live on one wage and can walk into a job when you feel like it.