Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Male midwives

180 replies

Magneto · 15/03/2012 22:57

How many of you would be happy to be cared for by a male midwife during pregnancy/labour? Before I had ds I probably wouldn't have been comfortable with it because I was shy/self concious/naive, but now I really wouldn't care all dignity and decorum was lost on the day ds was born.

I have just been reading this facebook post and a couple of the comments are asking questions along the lines of why would a man want to be a midwife, but I say why not?

Is it really that different to having a male gynaecologist (of which there is an abundance!)?

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 16/03/2012 10:47

puffin Im sorry you seem to have such a bad experience but saying This may be an extreme case and it maybe about the character of that particular midwife seems to indicate you think it was because he was a male - not just because he was a horrible uncaring person generally. Why should he be nasty because hes a man - both sexes can be equally horrible, so I really cant see why anyone would think its because of gender.

I wouldnt have an issue with a male mw, did have 1 19 years ago with DS1 in the post natal ward. But I do support peoples right to choose for whatever reason. I ahvent read the original link as Im at work but questioning why men want to be midwives implies that there is something sleazy about it, and therefore "wrong".

Similar to the question why should men want to be childminders that my DH who has registered as a CM has found from certain sources. A friend told him to make sure that the little girl who he minds was dressed before she got dropped off in the morning !!!

Rhinosaurus · 16/03/2012 10:52

Re comments supposedly made by me... Have spent a seriously hungover morning finding that mr rhino has been having a fun time (while i was out celebrating my friends birthday) yesterday, on my iPad which was logged into MN posting all manner of twattish inflammatory statements..... Found two so far...

I'm leaving the bastard but not before I get my own back for gods sake he is in his 40s, shouldn't he have grown out of this sort of stuff by now?!

Ambrosius · 16/03/2012 10:52

I had female midwives but the consultant who delivered ds was male, I didn't even think about it I just wanted my baby safe in my arms.

Osmiornica · 16/03/2012 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WibblyBibble · 16/03/2012 11:18

I would be fine with it I think, I don't see the issue. The midwives I have problems with are the judgemental unsympathetic arsehole ones (have had a couple of those, unfortunately, because my labours stupidly decided to go over shift boundaries) who think that there is a moral obligation to refuse pain relief even when you've been in labour for 24 hours with no progress- like that guy from the college of midwives a while back who said women needed to feel traumatised to bond with their babies or somesuch nonsense. I don't think he said that because he was a man, though, I think he said it because he was a giant fucking knobhead. My favourite hospital person was the anaesthetist when I had dd1, closely followed by the lovely midwife who actually tried to be helpful before she had to go off shift, then the earlier shift ones with dd2 who did not try and pin me down on a bed when I needed to stand up to manage contractions. The second lot in both cases were shitty judgemental arses (first lot told me off for having an epidural even though the midwife had recommended it because I needed oxytocin drip as no progress at all and both labours dds were facing the wrong way), but both female. A nice, supportive man would be a million times better than that (and actually may have helped exh who was panicking and arguing with my mum ffs).

lizziebennet · 16/03/2012 11:22

I would much prefer an all female environment and I speak as someone who after a year and a half of fertility treatment has spent a fair amount of time in stirrups!

I had a male doctor for my last round of egg retrieval and though I didn't say anything and just got on with it as I knew there was no option, I would have been much more comfortable having a female doctor.

It just feels different to me and I think it should be possible to make that choice.

Obviously if it comes to an emergency, you just have to go with it, but where it is possible to have a choice, I think you should be able to.

Codandchops · 16/03/2012 11:23

Rhino Grin

fazsaeed · 16/03/2012 11:48

I had a male midwife student at the birth of my ds. He saved my life. I was in a lot of danger and the female midwives were trying to stitch me while I was bleeding heavily. He pushed the emergency alarm and surgeon and senior midwife came in.

puffinnuffin · 16/03/2012 12:26

Duckdodgers I still wouldn't have felt comfortable having a male midwife whilst giving birth. For other things like blood pressure, routine checks etc that is fine to have a male midwife but for actually giving birth and help with breast feeding etc- no. It doesn't suit me but fair enough if others are happy with it- each to their own.It is a very personal, unique experience.

Under the circumstances it totally understandable if a woman feels this way- the same as if a man doesn't want a female doctor to do examinations for intimate things.

DorisIsWaiting · 16/03/2012 12:43

I had a male student mw with dc3 it was brilliant. He was a student so with us the whole time, he was never dismissive of my pain as had been the case with previous female midwives. I felt he did a really good job.

We have male obs and gynae docs who people trust to do a professional and caring job so why not a mw

ToriaPumpkin · 16/03/2012 12:48

I think it's a personal thing, if you have had bad experiences with men then obviously you're not going to want them in any position of authority, let alone at such a vulnerable time.

I also agree you should be able to opt out of someone's care, male or female, for any reason you wish, there was a (female) MW on my post-natal ward who, had I been in for another night, I would have refused to see again after the way she spoke to me about my 48 hour old, non-feeding, non-sleeping DS.

However, personally, I don't see what difference it makes. They're all qualified in the same things, and I've seen more male doctors than female in my life without batting an eyelid. My consultant is male and absolutely brilliant. The female senior MW I saw on more than one occasion in day case made me grit my teeth, and that was in an emergency situation!

Actually, thinking about it, I think there were male staff members in the room while I was in third stage and being stitched up. There was lots of morphine and G&A in my system so the details are hazy but a paeds team was called as DS wasn't breathing properly and I'm fairly sure one of them was male.

happy2bhomely · 16/03/2012 12:59

I had a male midwife with ds1. I was only 17 and the first time I met him was in the delivery room. He was a cheery, warm man who made me feel cared for and safe. His name was Darrin and I've still got a photo of him with me and my son.

ddubsgirl · 16/03/2012 13:10

best midwife i had was a male one he was lovely and caring,my neighbours son is also a midwife :)

MrsLukeDanes · 16/03/2012 15:24

I had a male midwife for DC2 and he was absolutely fantastic. When he walked in I was Hmm BUT... he was much calmer/more thoughtful than the female midwife I'd had with DC1 in the same hospital. For example, he really encouraged skin to skin straight after the birth (which didn't happen with DC1), he made me tea and toast and ran me a bath when I felt ready (again, didn't happen before) and he let us stay in the labour room as a little threesome for ages and ages and ages - until I eventually asked to be moved to the post-natal ward for a change of scene and to get settled there! (Felt rushed before). I now really think that it doesn't matter what gender the midwife is, it is just personality dependent!

CrunchyFrog · 16/03/2012 15:41

Just to clarify a couple of misconceptions here - and of course, I am not speaking for all the women who have difficulty with a male MW or delivering obstetrician:

It is not a rational "ooh, that bloke must have something wrong with him to want that job." I've worked in care for years with many fantastic male carers, I'm well aware that many are capable.

It's not being bashful about my fanjo - no bother with male doctors conducting smears etc.

It is not as simple as that.

In labour, and just before it while being induced, I found everything very triggering. What was triggered was a panic reaction. I am normally very controlled and assertive. I was unable to be so in that situation.

It is not fair or reasonable to expect all women to cope with a male presence during what can be a very traumatic time. And currently, you are expected to, because of course, the Almighty Doctor cannot be contradicted. I'm glad you can request a different MW, but it is far more difficult to get a different doctor.

It is not fair or reasonable to expect a woman to explain herself.

To do so is to place the feelings of the male professional above those of the labouring woman. That is not right.

Pregnancy and birth are unique to women. There is no comparable experience. For example, you could compare a smear to a prostate exam. But labour and birth is different, it's not an illness, nor is it a routine check.

I appreciate I'm in the minority, most of MN are very right-on regarding this issue. I would suggest this is one instance where "equal" does not mean "exactly the same."

I imagine this sort of thing is covered in the training of MW, male or female. It certainly should be, as the percentage of women who are either abuse or attack survivors is very high, and they will be the women who need kindness and support, not accusations of sexism.

AhsataN · 16/03/2012 15:43

i had to have a c section when i had my DS when they tried to out in the epidural they hadnt given my enough anesthetic and i was in agony. i was so frightened everything going on around me i started to loose it a bit and wanted to get up and run away. i had a male midwife he was a huge 6ft something west indian guy named Claude.
he completely took control of the situation, he took my hand and spoke to me calmly and chilled me right out he was amazing.
after they had delivered my ds i was very shakey throughout a bad reaction to the epidural. Claude was great cheering me up, made me comfortable and relaxed me. he told me hey man I'm not a midwife I'm your mid husband!
he was amazing and if i could see him again today and tell him how much it meant to me and how much he helped me i would.
he did his job exceptionally well and went that extra mile to make me happy!

faintpinkline · 16/03/2012 15:53

I don't think it would worry me. My main concern wuold be that they knew how to do the job and got on with it to ensure a safe delivery.

Only problem may be that my reaction to gas and air last time resulted in my demanding the medical student who was observing should marry me - dp says I even said not to worry about him as he wouldn't mind!! I must have been a great proposition with my legs in strirrups, my legs apart, my t shirt saturated in blood and vomit and my screeching and demands for the gas and air getting increasingly louder. Hope any male midwife I get is ready to deal with my unreasonable proposal Grin

BoFo · 16/03/2012 17:44

A male mw delivered my little boy. He was superb. I'll always remember him as gave DS his name as a middle name!

DeathBeforeDecaf · 16/03/2012 18:21

I don't feel comfortable discriminating on gender for any reason. They're all professionals who are well trained in a praiseworthy role and I have equal confidence in either gender to perform the task with discretion and professionalism.

BananasInBloomers · 16/03/2012 18:29

On my last two Csections I had the same male midwife,and he is just a wonderful calming person. When my spinal block went too high and I was struggling to breathe he kept me so calm. When DD was brought to special care because she was grunting he stayed by my side as DH went with DD. He was the one who checked the bleeding on the pad and held my hand whilst I cried. He was just fab. His calmness made me calmer.

Of course there are some midwives who really are not suited to a caring profession. This is nothing to do with gender but more to do with personaility.

I think there is an undertone of male midwives being viewed as sleazy and after a cheap thrill. But there are many female midwives who are lesbian or bi-sexual.

CrunchyFrog · 16/03/2012 18:55

Gosh, it's nice to be ignored.

bejeezus · 16/03/2012 19:16

I agree with crunchy I wouldn't feel ok with a male midwife. It's nite the same as a male doctor, the role is different in mtg mind. I'm not aurez that I would object enough to say anything during labour. But I certainly wouldn't want a male ME/HB coming to my home post birth- checking stitches/ breast feeding etc

FilterCoffee · 16/03/2012 19:25

It wouldn't make any difference to me. It would just be their job, that's all.

cabbagesoup · 16/03/2012 19:44

I had a a bit of a rushed dramatic labour, and had a ton of female midwifes flapping round a wee bit panicky and this male midwife walked in the room and just stopped the fuss the, love's, darlings, all that sort of talk that's supposed to be helpful and cut to the chase - Sorted out the labour, up to his armpits pulled baby out job done... it was amazing the atmosphere changed in the room, he wasn't anymore senior (I'll be flamed for this!) but he had authority in his manner. Worked for me!!

AKMD · 16/03/2012 20:06

Just to add to what I already said, I wouldn't have a problem with having a male midwife but if another woman did I think she should be able to say so and be attended by a female MW, no questions asked. I would then grab the male MW :o