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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

309 replies

bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 09:52

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

OP posts:
Doodlez · 14/03/2012 16:27

It's family though, innit?

Here's a couple who have, as you say, probably daydreamed about a holiday in that cottage for years and years and now, YOU have it within your power to make a smallish dream come true for them.

And...

then there's the 'making memories' aspect of it. Just one time, PIL have their whole family together, sharing in their dream. How freakin' special could this be for them.

You only live once and you're a long time lookin' at the lid. When PIL snuff it, you and DH will be able to look back and say "We gave them that special, dream holiday"...

I think it's worth the sacrifice.

Family, like I said.

DamselInDisarray · 14/03/2012 16:37

How about a (kind of) win-win compromise: your DH and BIL split the cost of one night for their parents in this cottage and let them go there on their own to celebrate their wedding anniversary. That way it's cheaper (if still not cheap) and you don't have to endure it. It's supposed to be about them celebrating their still being married after eons years; it doesn't need to be a whole family extravaganza.

WinkyWinkola · 14/03/2012 16:38

Family worth it's salt wouldn't take the piss though. And this is most definitely taking the piss.

WinkyWinkola · 14/03/2012 16:38

its

thenightsky · 14/03/2012 16:43

It's well over-priced. Does it come with staff to cook and clean? You'd not want to be even touching an oven glove at that sort of money.

FoxyRoxy · 14/03/2012 16:46

You could go to Jamaica for a week for that money, it's ridiculous to spend that much on a gift for anyone unless you're seriously loaded. We're not poor and there's no way I'd spend 1.5k on a wedding anniversary present for my parents and no way they'd let me. YANBU.

mum47 · 14/03/2012 16:52

Do your pil actually know what the cost of the place is? If not I would be telling them pronto and they may immediately realise that it is a no go. If they do know already, and bil has given the impression that he and you are prepared to pay such ridiculous sums, get him to put them straight after telling him in no uncertain terms that it is far too much money to spend for such an occasion by anyone's standards!
Is there something else in their favourite holiday town that you or they could do as an alternative? The sooner you bring it to a head the better as the longer it goes on the more stressed you are going to be and also the more they will assume it was going ahead and get excited about it. Good luck..

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 17:10

The strange thing is, they do know what the nightly rate is! I can only think that they know that bil and dh earn a lot (by their standards) and therefore imagine that £700 per night for self catering accommodation - which is only 3 bedrooms, btw, and there will be 10 of us staying - isn't a lot of money to us Confused.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2012 17:11

3 bedrooms and 10 of you staying!! So everyone has to bunk up with the kids and it's 700 quid!!!!!!!!! Again, my flabber is gasted. Don't doooooo it!

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 17:15

Ooops, sorry, take that back, it is 5 bedrooms ... but still.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2012 17:17

You know I really need a link to really feel your post, doncha???

lurkinginthebackground · 14/03/2012 17:30

Why don't you pay for just your pil to stay and then meet up for the day rather than you all staying over?

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 17:31

Its too far for us to travel without staying over lurking.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 14/03/2012 17:34

If you and your DH haven't agreed to this proposal by BIL, how is it that your PsIL know about it? Confused

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 17:37

Its not a surprise, Thing. It is being discussed by all parties as a possibility. Not sure why you are Confused.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/03/2012 17:40

YANBU at all, and I am all for being extravagant when the occasion demands.

Quint - ooh where? We are looking for somewhere lovely to go for our wedding anniversary later in the year and South Downs isn't too far from home...

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 14/03/2012 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 14/03/2012 17:47

Oh no, I get that all going away together to a cottage is a plan.

I just presumed that any offer that you and BIL would pay for this incredibly expensive cottage for everyone would be made after you had agreed.

How has it come about that people who can't afford the cottage themselves are expecting to stay there on your dime without you inviting them to so?

(if that is indeed what is happening)

cakewench · 15/03/2012 19:46

Will we get an update on this, btw? I admit, I'm deadly curious now. Grin

eppa · 15/03/2012 19:50

That is alot of money! I think its a bit unreasonable for the in-laws to want to go somewhere so expensive if they can't afford it. I assume that they know you will have to pay for it.
We have stayed in some lovely cottages that have been alot less than that. I think MIL will have to lower her expectations!

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 15/03/2012 20:18

Grin thanks for your interest Cakewench.

I said to dh last night "look dh, I feel really sorry for you cos I know this was not your idea, but I'm afraid you and dbil are seriously going to have to say to mil that its just a bit much. We will have to pay for food and probably a meal out and activities to do with the children - we are in danger of going seriously over the top here". He agrees with me, bless him, but he finds it very difficult to say no to his mum [rolly eyes emoticon] but he did have a conversation with his db last night and told him that we don't agree to it.

So now, apparently we are going to have a big family talk about it when we are at mils for Easter. Can't wait!!

OP posts:
rhondajean · 15/03/2012 20:21

I dunno, it's a lot of money, but if you have it, it's to the people who raised the map you love!

I'd be torn...

cakewench · 15/03/2012 20:37

A big family talk about it Shock wow that'll be nice and uncomfortable for you. Fingers crossed that your DH backs you up.

choccyp1g · 15/03/2012 20:45

Maybe the PILS think it is £700 for the whole weekend...

Mizza76 · 15/03/2012 20:51

I was in a similar situation a couple of years back when SIL decided that we should all go away for a week to celebrate MIL's 70th (her husband's mother, btw, not her own mother). Just to be clear, we had already organised two parties for her, one here and one abroad where my other SIL lives. So it wasn't like we had ignored the occasion!

Anyway, SIL set the budget for the cottage, and sent out a list of the other things we would be required to contribute to eg. food, eating out, day trips - and flights for my other SIL, BIL and her children to come to the UK to join us! I can't remember the amount any more, just that it was way above our budget and that when I worked out the costs myself, I was pretty sure she was underestimating. I was absolutely furious that she was creating this expectation that we would shell out the money for this (including for flights for my SIL, BIL and their kids, when I couldn't afford the reverse trip myself!), and very worried that if I objected, I would be the "bad" DIL....

In the end, my DH just had to speak up. He got my other SIL onside first. And it somehow died a death. It's so easy to spend other people's money....

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