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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

309 replies

bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 09:52

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 14/03/2012 10:26

2 nights then?

heliumballoon · 14/03/2012 10:29

If it is priced per night, go for two or three nights instead? Four is a lot at that price.

duckdodgers · 14/03/2012 10:30

No cottage - no matter how special or iconic is worth £700 per night! You would expect a castle for that!!! I dont think you are being mean at all.

mrswoodentop · 14/03/2012 10:32

Is it the House in the Clouds ?Personally I just think it's too much unless you could book for just one night there and maybe cake and champagne .

We had this a bit with MIL birthday a few years ago ,I genuinely don't think she realised how much all her little wants were costing,we didn't go onholiday that yearSadWhat started off with offering to pay for a family lunch ended up as a private lunch party at a very expensive venue with 3 choices of main course and drinks in the bar before Angry

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 10:32

Gah! whatever way we dress it up we are going to be the party poopers aren't we? Poor old dh, he would probably just go along with it for a quiet life, but there's something in me (an inner scrooge?) which just won't let it lie!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 14/03/2012 10:32

What KarmaBeliever said:

"I think it's odd to spend so much on someone else's anniversary. I think a wedding anniversary is primarily a celebration for the two people who are married, so although it's nice for others to remember and buy a gift, you shouldn't be put under pressure to spend so much."

My pil are like this too - they seem to believe they should have endless celebrations for their wedding anniversary. We have taken them out for dinner and have sent them a card and a small gift. I think that is plenty. I wouldn't expect more myself. I am amazed at the massive sense of entitlement some people have.

Op, you are not being mean. Bil is being completely ott. Completely.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 14/03/2012 10:39

Well, for what it's worth, I work in 'DA CITY' and while DH and I have to watch our pennies, I meet enough people who don't so much. And I can tell you £1,500 for four days for one couple would be considered high by plenty of people in this group. Do NOT feel bad saying no, you would be in very good company.

jumpingjackhash · 14/03/2012 10:46

£3k for 4 days is indeed a lot to pay for something like this! DH and I both earn good salaries and enjoy a good lifestyle but wouldn't pay that much for 4 days like this - especially given the travel, food/drink and any other trips or treats it's likely to involve!

Do your in-laws actually realise how expensive this is? If they do they're being really unreasonable in expecting you and BIL's family to stump up for this. If they don't then maybe let them know and offer an alternative. When it comes to MIL 'having her heart set' on it, I have my heart set on a big fuck-off diamond necklace, but it aint gonna happen!

I'm also of the opinion that a couple's wedding anniversary is special to them and not necessarily something others should feel obliged to celebrate, let alone go crazy over. As long as DH and I remember and celebrate ours (in whatever way we see fit/can afford), I'm happy - never for a moment would I expect anyone else to have to shell-out or mark it in any special way.

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 10:47

Just thinking about what £1500 could buy us:

Well, it might go a long way towards replacing the hideous carpets we've been living with for 7 years in this house.

Or a week away somewhere like Greece in the Easter holidays.

Or two months mortgage payments.

Or we could have our hall and stairs redecorated.

All these are things we can't just do at the drop of a hat!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 14/03/2012 10:53

£700 per night Shock That's ridiculous! YANBU

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/03/2012 10:58

It would be cheaper to stay here (B&B plus Dinner)
www.clivedenhouse.co.uk

In fact the Savoy hotel would be cheaper
Savoy

YuleingFanjo · 14/03/2012 11:03

what does DH think? Is he prepared to pay, you don't say.

PineappleBed · 14/03/2012 11:05

Me and DH went to Cuba all inclusive 4 star for 10 days for under £2k (pre-DD)

£3k for four days - my jaw hit the ground

YANBU

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 11:06

Dh is reluctant. We feel we have been put in an awkward position by even being asked to do this tbh - I would have thought that anyone with a modicum of sense can see it is unreasonable, but apparently not bil and mil!

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 14/03/2012 11:07

my PILs arranged a family meal for their golden wedding and insisted on paying for everyone. they too are on minimum (ish ) pension which is topped up with tax credits.

Do you definately know your IL's have no cash? Mine seem to have more spare money floating around than any other family members. They give some away every so often or they go over savings limit. Could the cost be split 3 ways, or could you suggest this, as might focus MIL's mind?

i would have thought any decent parent would appreciate a present far more than was given gladly rather than one that meant financial problems for giver.

badtasteflump · 14/03/2012 11:14

YANBU - I would laugh in their faces at the suggestion, actually (I realise you can't do that in retrospect Grin)

And IMO MIL is taking the piss having her 'heart set' on a £3000 long weekend when she must realise she's not going to be paying for it herself Hmm

Ephiny · 14/03/2012 11:17

It does sound like (a) a very expensive cottage, and (b) a lot to spend on an anniversary present. Of course if you could easily afford it, and wanted to be generous, then that would be fine. But you shouldn't be made to feel obliged.

Don't be pushed into it. Say politely but firmly that it's a lovely idea, but unfortunately far too much. Maybe suggest a more affordable alternative (you can get lovely cottages for a fraction of that price!), otherwise wish them a lovely time on their holiday and you'll see them when they get back!

thenightsky · 14/03/2012 11:21

I'd expect Necker Island for £750 a night Shock

WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2012 11:23

Are you sure they want you to pay for it? (I suppose you are sure Grin but I just can't believe someone would ask someone to pony up that amount of money for anything!! I think I'm even allowed an OMG!!)

You have to linky linky - I need to see this palace. It better have a gold bath...

bellabelly · 14/03/2012 11:26

Chaz - I want to stay at that Spring Cottage on the Cliveden estate, it looks soooo lovely.

bellabelly · 14/03/2012 11:27

ANd ps, OP you are not being unreasonable at all - I have no idea why your in-laws would expect anything above and beyond a nice lunch/dinner to celebrate.

LydiaWickham · 14/03/2012 11:28

£1.5k is far too much! Tell BIL no. You could take them out for a v posh meal somewhere for a fraction of the price, or even book them a holiday abroad as a gift for half that.

I'd say to MIL, "I'm really sorry, but we don't have a spare £1.5k, I'm sure you'd love it but we just aren't earning enough and I can't justify cancelling the children's summer holiday to pay for this." It would take a heart of stone/the brassest of brassnecks for her to basically tell you you should cancel her DGC's holiday so she can have a holiday.

aldiwhore · 14/03/2012 11:30

Whether you can afford it or not, if you're expected to shell out so much for something you have no control over then YANBU to say no.

Your MIL and FIL are responsible too, they have their heart set on a cottage that is extortionately expensive, they won't be paying for it and are expecting their children to foot the bill?

They are being selfish and U.

Iwantcandy · 14/03/2012 11:33

YANBU if mil wants to go there she will have to pay for it. If it was a necessity like a new boiler you could consider contributing but a 4 day trip for an anniversary?!? A card and a meal in a restaurant is much more appropriate

dreamingofsun · 14/03/2012 11:36

if you aren't happy about this now, surely nothing will change during the weekend itself. sounds like a recipe for disaster. sounds like an awful lot of pressure to enjoy yourselves and that normally doesn't lend to a successful event.

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