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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

309 replies

bibbityisaporker · 14/03/2012 09:52

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 18/03/2012 22:26

But it's not the same outlay. It's 3 days less time in a place that isn't family orientated, in rainy old UK, with extra people that the OP and her family aren't relishing the thought of being around.

How is that the same?

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 22:28

Ali, sure, it is parents 'treating ' their children, if their children reciprocate by treating their parents as special too. Otherwise it is sponging.

This doesn't mean spending way more than you can afford, but it does mean being willing to treat them to the same special things you treat yourself to.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2012 22:37

Right, but you know that treating someone as special, showing them you care, that you love them and value them isn't just about the money?

So when my parents invite us to spend our summer holiday at their second home in France and we accept, is it sponging if we don't have a holiday home to offer them in return?

Flatbread · 18/03/2012 23:09

Ali, no. It is not quid pro quo. That is the whole point. Reverse the situation and it is somewhat similar to the original op.

Op regularly takes holidays costing a fair sum. Mil cannot afford a special holiday. Asks her son if for their golden anniversary, they could all holiday together in a place that would cost her son roughly the same that he would spend anyway for a week's holiday with just his family. And the mum is called a sponge and worse by others here.

slightlysickfeelinginmystomach · 19/03/2012 00:18

While I can perhaps see why your inlaws would like to stay there Bibbity, I too don't think you are being unreasonable to say no.

Perhaps you could sweet talk them into dinner and a night at the Ritz? That would still cost considerably less

knackeredmother · 19/03/2012 00:51

If it is the house on the clouds, I've just looked on the website and if you book for the week it works out at just under £33 pppn. I don't think it's that bad for a life time dream of someone's parents. I would do it personally.

Wittsend13 · 19/03/2012 01:00

Can't be bothered to read the whole thread (Because I'm on my 3rd glass of wine) However, me personally would pay towards it. IMO it's a special occasion and it would eat me up that I was being mean and stingy. Just my opinion on what I'd do if I were in your shoes.

MsPav · 19/03/2012 01:07

I have to comment on Flatbread's assumptions re holiday costs. We holiday every year in UK, my son is disabled so we have some costs for hoists/beds etc, but even so... The cost of quality self catering in the UK, before travel/subsistence etc is staggering. I pay at least £1, 500 for a fortnight , without extras.

TheCraicDealer · 19/03/2012 03:30

But KnackeredMother, the cost is not being shouldered by individuals but by the two brothers, who are each going to have to find 1.5K to fund this.

And let's not forget- this is four days in a building that looks like it was built as an homage to the Weasleys' house in Harry Potter, in sunny Suffolk in April. I don't think op is being selfish for wondering about the cost/benefit analysis of this plan, when there are plenty of other more practical (and less costly) options available

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 19/03/2012 09:28

You are completely missing the point, knackered mother that we do not want to go on holiday with them for a whole week. We don't want to go for 4 nights either, but are compromising on that.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/03/2012 09:28

Flatbread I don't see how the situation is similar at all.

I am not asking my parents to pay for my holiday, I didn't even ask to use their house, they offered.

So something closer to the reverse situation for the OP, would be that her DH and his brother had discussed doing something nice for their parents anniversary, and offered the holiday as a gift to their parents. Which is not what has happened at all.
What has happened is that the OP is being asked to spend half her holiday budget (which would normally buy her a week away) on 4 days somewhere she doesn't want to go with people - BIL and family - that they as a family don't get on with that well.

If you really cannot see the difference between someone offering something, and someone asking for something, then there is no point trying to have a discussion with you.

diddl · 19/03/2012 09:29

OP-why not pay for just them to go somewhere for a weekend?

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 19/03/2012 09:37

Diddl - would be happy to, but inlaws want us all to be together. They don't want a big family party as they don't get along with quite a lot of their numerous siblings.

Dh and I have a very independent life from the inlaws. He is the older brother and left home at 18 for Uni (when his mum was still only 36!) and has lived in London, some 3 hours drive away from his parents ever since. We see them about 6 times a year. Bil lived at home til he was 27, now lives less than an hour away, has no friends or social life of his own as far as I can make out, and sees his parents every couple of weeks or so.

Bil and sil are happy to go on holiday with the parents (sil also goes away with her family a lot) - its something I've never done with my parents as an adult, and dh does not enjoy doing it with his parents either. There is always a lot of simmering tension, Mil gets overwrought, fil sulks, bil and sil shout at their children non-stop and do my head in.

We are all going to be together for three nights at Easter and we are already planning the coping strategies!

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 19/03/2012 09:48

Asking for presents is rude, grasping and presumptuous.

Being someone's mother doesn't make it OK.

I can't get my head around someone who would put their own son in a position like this.

It's ghastly.

Flatbread · 19/03/2012 09:53

Ali, we don't know what happened here. It could well be that dh and bil discussed that they should do something special for their parents. And then bil asked mum what they would like.

How is mum to know that one of her sons and dil don't want to holiday with them? And frankly it does sound precious that one cannot adjust just on one occasion, holiday plans for parents. But like I said, different strokes etc.

MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2012 09:57

Nothing like sponging of the in laws, eh? But god forbid you have to actually treat them, that is such an imposition hmm

Grin flatbread oh yes we treat them, but not to the tune of a £1.5k weekend away, or any other ridiculous show of wealth. As bogeyface said, the IL's caravan was offered to us, in fact the IL's have been going on at us for years to use it as they want the family to make use of their 'holiday home'. As for 'wear and tear' we always tidy up after ourselves, because we were well brought up. Smile

Thanks for your alliance bogeyface you will be thrilled to know that i have been taking flatbreads condesencion on the chin! Grin

diddl · 19/03/2012 09:57

But if they want everyone together then they fund it?

Sorry, but you have to decline somehow I think.

Original poster
bibbityisaporker · 19/03/2012 10:24

Yes, we are going to decline and we are resigned to being the villains Smile but if we don't then we are being railroaded and I think that's quite wrong.

OP posts:
MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2012 10:26

good call bibbity stay strong Smile

diddl · 19/03/2012 10:30

Oh good.

There are times when you just have to say "no"!

ViviPru · 19/03/2012 10:32

Good decision and good thread form, keeping us posted like that. She knows the ropes, that bibbity

YouChangeWithTheWeather · 19/03/2012 10:53
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 19/03/2012 11:01

OP
YABU unreasonable for not cancelling the family meeting.
Don't go.

MarthasHarbour · 19/03/2012 11:05

Grin youchange she should just send that to BIL and PIL..

gramercy · 19/03/2012 11:08

Sympathy here.

My in-laws are just like that. They've been retired for 30 years and have been "suggesting" presents/trips for the entire time at their sons' expense. Before their diamond wedding recently I told dh in no uncertain terms that the bank was closed. One of dh's brothers is in tune with us but the other - like the OP's bil - is closer to his parents and regularly comes up with schemes for treating the in-laws.