About mil and fil's wedding anniversary? V long, for non drip-feeding purposes.

[bibbityisaporker]

My inlaws are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary at about this time next year and dh and his brother have already started planning their celebrations. This is actually mainly down to bil ... he likes to plan way ahead.

Anyway, there has been talk of us all going away for a week together, to which dh and I have said a plain "no thank you". This is because we do not get on particularly well with bil and sil and their children, can usually tolerate about 2 days in their company, but after that it all gets A BIT MUCH iykwim. Also, dh is self employed and never but never takes more than 4 days off in a row (and that is only at Christmas) except for our 2 week family holiday in the summer.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

Mil and fil are very very low income, infact they are both living on state pension and a few top-up benefits. So bil proposed to dh that they share the cost of the accommodation (£1500 each).

Now am I bu to think that £1500 is a lot to spend on your parents golden wedding anniversary present??

To put it in context, dh is a highish earner, but not 6 figures, and our budget for our family holiday is about £3,000. We spend about £50 - £100 on each other for our birthdays, about the same on the children. I have a very significant birthday coming up this year and dh is going to buy me a laptop, I have never had one. So we are comfortably off but not rolling in it.

I am miffed that mil and pil would think this is fair and reasonable too, tbh.

Over to you lot.

Hang on blaming the pil. It's the bil who has suggested it, the pil are not expecting (although maybe hoping) as far as I can tell.

We paid for part of a holiday with dh's family, and didn't get a family holiday that year-in fact it was more than we would usually pay for a holiday and a heck of a lot more hassle.( but not that amount either) As I said to dh afterwards: Never again.

I'd say don't touch with a barge pole. Particularly as you don't get on with the bil. Why not say to him you'll come down for the day and you can have a nice meal together.

Right, so we are not going to go away for a whole week, so now the proposal is a long weekend but mil has got her heart set on this extra special cottage which is going to cost £3,000 for 4 nights - partly because it will be in the Easter holidays next year and I guess we have to pay for the full week

PIL have 'their hearts set on' a specific cottage... that's more than a 'hope' wouldn't you say?

Its not about blame but responsibility. My folks would love to through a huge party in a cottage with the whole family around for their anniversary this year, but they can't afford it, know we can't either, so don't bang on about specific places they'd like to go and certainly haven't set their hearts on anything, nor have they told us.

Its unreasonable pressure!!!

Blardy hell, I thought we were being extravagant for paying £300 per night for 2 nights in a junior suite (with the kids) in a VERY nice country hotel in the south downs for my 40th birthday.

Are they out of their mind!!

We held a big party for my mum and dad's Golden Wedding Anniversary - and it was even more poignent as DH and I were deploying to Iraq a few days later.

We had somewhere in the region of 200 guests in a hired Sports and Social Club, with a band, disco and food and I know that we didn't pay more than £1000 for it (which was split between us 4 kids).

£3K is a ridiculous amount for a long weekend. I like LydiaWickham's comment about cancelling the childrens holiday to pay for it - emotional blackmail has its uses at times.

Right ... so I definitely am not bu then? Thanks all. Will have to speak with dh again tonight!

Hang on a minute, didn't you say that you have a significant birthday coming up this year?

Dear bibbityisaporker, what do you have YOUR heart set on? I like the sound of 2 nights at the Savoy and a trip to the theatre, something suitable for ALL the family. Obviously, your BIL and PILs will be paying, won't they? That IS how it goes, right - the celebrating person picks whatever they like and the rest of the family coughs up?

Don't tempt me, MrsGypsy!

It's our Ruby Wedding anniversary in the summer and we have been thinking what to do. We have decided to hire a house for a few days in October so that we can go with our children, their babies, my sister and husband and their children and babies. We are all in different parts of the country and we do like to get together every so often. However we have decided to go in the autumn because going in the school summer holidays will be horrendously expensive. We want a house as we will want to spend time together and it's difficult to do that in a hotel (particularly as there will be three babies). I can understand why a house will be better for some people (like us), but £3,000 for a few nights away is just ridiculous. I am sure your BIL has not thought this through properly. Even if you didn't mind spending this kind of money on your in-laws, I would think that you would be better giving them several treats. My family all get on well together, but even so we need space.

I think you need to be firm, OP, and not be pressurised into something you don't want to do.

Gosh. Just 'gosh'.

What an absolutely outstanding sense of entitlement your MIL has. Unbelievable.

And this 'House in the Clouds', am I missing something? It looks small, scruffy and ridiculously over priced. With a million stairs.

Actually, why dont you suggest that because it is YOUR big celebration too this year, that BIL foot the entire bill?

Ah... The House in the Clouds. All becomes clear. Assuming it is that actual house, that particular "village" is loads more expensive than much nicer placed nearby. I think they're being very unrealistic and it's hard to understand why they would even consider expecting anyone else to foot the bill.

I wouldn't ever expect my children to pay 3k for an anniversary present!
How very selfish and entitled, just say no, sorry you can't afford it.

I think a nice fancy meal at a nice fancy restuarant, flowers and a nice vintage bottle of wine/champers would be absoultley lovely for you to do, but not a 3k cottage which you wouldn't enjoy anyway.

stratters - perhaps MIL doesn't realise how much it costs though. she's probably thinking £200 tops. maybe she doesn't go online and is out of touch with current prices - cottage hire used to be quite cheap years ago i think because all the accommodation was so bad

It's a nice house. It's worth nothing like £750 a night though.

That is astounding. YANBU.

And I'm an only child and would probably find a way to do most things my mother would ask of me (she doesn't, ever, so if she did I'd make the effort) but for that kind of money I'd definitely try to see if perhaps she didn't want, idk, anything else suitably extravagant. Thankfully she's the sort who would be extremely happy with a cottage just about anywhere as long as it involved her family.

£1500 is what we are looking at spending for a week/2 weeks abroad all inclusive!

I agree this is far too much to expect you to pay for 4 nights.
Can you do a cheaper cottage?
A posh meal somewhere theyve always wanted to go?
Throw them a party FGS and it would still cost you less!

YANBU

YANBU. That is extraordinary that they think that is an appropriate gift - or are you expected to pay out for all the food and gifts as well?!

Yadddddnbu

3k is fucking ridiculous for that.

I think you should have conversation with your mil about it. She probably hasn't realised just how expensive it is and may very well be mortified.

Or agree that you'll go but just for one night.

I wouldn't pay that. And if you are going to spend lots of money, my first priority would be to go to a hotel where everything is done for you, and no-one has to cook. Otherwise your next post will be 'BIL wants us to put £500 in the kitty for food, is this too much?'

YANBU

I can't get my head around parents who would allow, never mind expect, their children to pay for them to do something so extravagant.

I also find "let's go halves"ers like BIL infuriating.

He can't afford to treat his Mum to the things she "has her heart set on", so he tries to guilt his brother into it too, to make it affordable.

Be profligate with your own cash, BIL!

:o

Significant wedding anniversaries in my experience have usually been a buffet lunch somewhere with as many of the original wedding guests as can be mustered. Much more appropriate than a gold plated cottage.

In the words of Mrs John Dashwood, "There is no knowing what they may expect; but (...) the question is, what you can afford to do."

MIL may have her heart set on this gold-plated cottage, but that's way beyond the reach of most ordinary mortals! Presumably it only "has" to be at Easter because they want you, BIL and families to go too, but I'm sure you could find a lovely cottage in the same area for far, far less than that and go halves with BIL for a week or even a fortnight off-peak, then you, BIL and families could just join them for one weekend.