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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my neighbour needs so much help from her mum and dad?

249 replies

ssd · 14/03/2012 09:10

my neighbour is married with 2 kids in school.

they family are fit and healthy (her words) with no underlying problems

they parents are, or at least seem, more than capable of looking after 2 kids

so AIBU on judging her on the amount of help she gets from her parents?

they are there every day, usually seperately, taking the kids to school, picking them up again, bringing in shopping, doing the garden, walking the dog, god knows what else

why do the parents need help every day?

why don't they want the in laws to get a sleep in/time to themselves and look after their kids themselves?

why do the in laws feel the need to always be helping, don't they realise they look like they can't stay out of their daughters life even for a day?

am slightly jealous and slightly confused why 2 grown up fit able bodied parents need the help of their parents every single day? it just looks like they cAN'T DO A BLARDY THING BY THEMSELVES. (OOPS SORRY) CAPS ON

OP posts:
lostboysfallin · 14/03/2012 21:35

Nice post dustinthewind

hmc · 14/03/2012 21:38

I can well imagine that I will want to be involved in my dc's lives and still helping them when they are all grown up and I am in my dotage...if I am fortunate enough that they are willing to let me .....

jinsei · 14/03/2012 21:41

I just don't see when the grown up children feel the need to start doing most of the childcare for themselves without having their mums or dads turn up to do it for them

But perhaps you don't see the other side of the coin, OP. If you were my neighbour, you would see my parents doing a lot with my dc. You might occasionally see them dropping off some shopping. Or you might see my dad helping my DH with a project in our garden. What you would not see is what goes on elsewhere.

So you would not see my DH regularly mowing my parents' lawn or heaving things in & out of their loft. You would not see the times when I drop shopping of to them, or help them with stuff around the house. You would not see the days that I have taken off work recently to drive them to the hospital and sit with them while they await some scary test results. You would not see the times when I have gone over there in the middle of the night because my mother was worried about my father.

It doesn't all have to be one-way, you see. My family has always been close, and we like to help each other out. And frankly, nothing has brought my parents greater joy than the wonderful relationship that they have with their grandchildren - and that is great for all of us.

jinsei · 14/03/2012 21:43

Drop off

Dustinthewind · 14/03/2012 21:53

You know, jinsei, I'm actually grateful to the OP for this thread.
It's lovely to think that there are so many people out there like you and me that have close and loving relationships with members of our families.
If it hadn't been for the OP's jealousy, we'd perhaps never have known.

jinsei · 14/03/2012 22:04

Yeah dust, it certainly makes me feel grateful for what I've got. DH is really close to his family too, although they are geographically far away. I imagine that some posters on here would be horrified at the extent of his responsibilities towards his extended family, but it's part of who he is.

I actually feel quite :( for those who find this kind of family bond strange. Fair enough if they really don't want it, but do they also want so little involvement with their own DCs when older? I hope that my dd will welcome my help (not interference) when she has kids of her own.

SoupDragon · 14/03/2012 22:04

"most of the posters here seem to have loads of help and family all around them and can't imagne why I would ask the op in the first place"

I have no help whatsoever from anyone and can't imagine why you would ask the op.

OriginalJamie · 15/03/2012 08:18

OP just come out and say it :

You think that lots of people are lazy. You have assumed this

Original poster
ssd · 15/03/2012 09:05

no originaljamie, not lazy, just a bit spoilt

parents having help from their oarents is a great thing, but the op was about parents having so much help they become a bit spoilt and entitled about it

its been assumed all over this thread I am jealous and indeed it makes posters like dustinthewind smugly tell me how my assumed jealousy makes her feel better

very few posters have realised what I'm talking about, rather than tell me "hahaha you're jealous"

I can be jealous of friends with help, but to an outsider that help can look a bit interfering at times, or a bit too dependant for me, but I do know what doesn't suit me suits others, I'm very lucky in having a great dh, great kids and lovely family, even if they aren't all on my doorstep

still it's been interesting to read some of the replies, even the smug and nasty replies Smile

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 15/03/2012 09:15

Reading this thread has made be realise how uninvolved my parents are in our life and it makes me Sad for them as well as us , my dd is a grown up and other dd is almost there and they have missed out on so much , its wonderful when extednig familiy are involved , my own nana was always around growing up i assumed my mum would be the same , I know when mine have children i WILL be involved even if they dont want it , i will be stalker grandma Grin

MIssMarplesSideKick · 15/03/2012 09:18

Me too MrsJay.

ladyintheradiator · 15/03/2012 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treadwarily · 15/03/2012 09:25

Whether they are helping out because they want to or because they are needed or whatever the situation, it is actually none of your business. And you do come across as a bit unpleasant, calling them spoilt and entitled. But no doubt they have you worked out as the nosey, curtain-twitching neighbour.

MidnightinMoscow · 15/03/2012 09:27

Me too MrsJay, its quite depressing.

My parents do visit, but it's very much on their terms and they would never dream of offering to help with child care/household chores etc.

I cannot imagine what it would be like. Last year, my DH had a severe back injury. We had to call an ambulance for him. I called my parents to see if they would come over to look after DS, but they refused because they were busy in their garden. Hmm

All I hope is that I do a better job one day.

Mrsjay · 15/03/2012 09:31

I have had no major fall out with mine and i didnt expect them to be at my beck and call IYSWIM just would have been nice for them to want to be a bit more involved especially when they were younger , now they will contact DD1 when they want a bloody lift somewhere Shock anyway I know i will be different

Jux · 15/03/2012 09:33

Oh please ssd, please fall into conversation over the fence and find out about them! Just for us, like. We need to know.

Who knows? Maybe the gps will give you a hand now and then, if you get to know them!

Original poster
ssd · 15/03/2012 09:36

lady, you're right, it is an assumption, but of course there is more to these assumptions than just this, don't want to bore you with them

jux, good idea Grin

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 15/03/2012 09:40

How do you know your neighbours are spoilt and entitled though?

What have they actually said to you that makes you think this of them?

And you said yourself in your very first post that you are jealous of them and the help they get, so it hasn't been assumed that you are jealous- you told us yourself that you are.

My grandparents were very involved in my childhood and the primary reason for that is that they enjoyed it that way. As a result I was very close to all of them, saw them at least once a week even when I was a teen and in my early twenties, when I learned to drive I would take them to places they needed to go etc or fetch things for them. My son is named after my granddad and if I had a daughter she would have my grandmothers names as middle names.

All through my childhood and early adulthood my parents would have a big family meal once or twice a week, which nobody was expected to attend but everyone was welcome at. They did the laundry for my grandparents when they got a bit older and less able to cope. It wasn't about them being lazy and palming us off on their parents when we were little.

Now my parents have a great relationship with my son and although it is a help to me, perhaps more than you think I should want or expect, the best thing about it is that my son adores his grandparents and they adore him. They love spending time together.

If I am lucky, that's the way it will be if/when I am a grandmother myself.

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 15/03/2012 09:41

The OP wasn't about the neighbours being spoilt and entitled. You specifically said "AIBU on judging her on the amount of help she gets from her parents?"

And you said yourself in the OP that you were slightly jealous, so a bit odd to get huffy about posters "assuming" that you are jealous based only on the flimsy evidence that you'd told them you were.

(although I suspect all of you mean "envious" rather than "jealous")

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 15/03/2012 09:44

So is this thread really "AIBU to think that my neighbour is spoilt and entitled, based on some evidence that I'm not going to mention because I don't want to bore you with it?"

SilentBoob · 15/03/2012 10:05

Well having read this thread I am rancidly envious of everyone with loving, involved, helpful parents.

BlackBagFaithfulBorderBinLiner · 15/03/2012 10:42

YANBU to wonder about your neighbours on the internet. AIBU is the place for this, not the school gate or with the postman in real life. Thank you for posting it.

I live in a small community where a lot of people have their extended family around, I see them picking up nieces and nephews from school and now know lots of the family tree members. I like it, I like seeing DD disappear off with her best friends aunt for a play. I'm not jealous or envious, DH & I like it and we see the positives but we also see the negatives. Cousins who never speak because their parents feel out, affairs and second marriages lead to tribal affiliations, it's not all roses.

Our parents live miles away and they all moved away from their parents. DH & I grew up trying to be independent, get a job, get a car, go travelling, met strangers, etc. I find it weird that lots of my friends round here, sahms, kids at school still have their mums doing their washing. Elderly men cutting lawns whilst their daughters pay £5 for an exercise class.

I obviously come like you OP from a completely different tribe, a travelling viking one with status through independence perhaps rather then a farming, interdependence one.

The responses on this thread have been interesting and even though I've said how nice it is to have family around she will refrain from mentioning if her mum is upstairs stripping the beds or that her dad actually painted the house whilst she was at the beach. I think she probably feels a bit defensive about it.

gramercy · 15/03/2012 12:10

Agree with BlackBag. It's the internet, fgs! How many of us have said we don't like our dc's teacher/people next door/doctor's receptionist etc etc etc or even dh/mother/sister. Having a bit of a grumble, especially if we've an axe to grind (e.g. envy of help-heavy neighbours) is hardly worthy of the pasting the OP has received.

All those with oodles of family help and support should clear off and leave those of us with none at all to be miserable curmudgeons without having to suffer sanctimonious finger wagging.

Becaroooo · 15/03/2012 12:12

You sound lovely

SoupDragon · 15/03/2012 12:46

"All those with oodles of family help and support should clear off and leave those of us with none at all to be miserable curmudgeons without having to suffer sanctimonious finger wagging."

And how about those, like me, who have no support from anyone at all yet still think the OP should butt out?