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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my neighbour needs so much help from her mum and dad?

249 replies

ssd · 14/03/2012 09:10

my neighbour is married with 2 kids in school.

they family are fit and healthy (her words) with no underlying problems

they parents are, or at least seem, more than capable of looking after 2 kids

so AIBU on judging her on the amount of help she gets from her parents?

they are there every day, usually seperately, taking the kids to school, picking them up again, bringing in shopping, doing the garden, walking the dog, god knows what else

why do the parents need help every day?

why don't they want the in laws to get a sleep in/time to themselves and look after their kids themselves?

why do the in laws feel the need to always be helping, don't they realise they look like they can't stay out of their daughters life even for a day?

am slightly jealous and slightly confused why 2 grown up fit able bodied parents need the help of their parents every single day? it just looks like they cAN'T DO A BLARDY THING BY THEMSELVES. (OOPS SORRY) CAPS ON

OP posts:
melika · 14/03/2012 16:12

Can they come around to mine and do my garden?Wink

PeppermintCreams · 14/03/2012 16:46

My friend has PND and has a lot of similar help from her parents. Her neighbours probably think the same thing as you OP.

However, this friend is still (after 5 years) jealous and bitter of another friend (single mum with prem baby) who lived with her parents for the first year of her baby's life.

ariadne1 · 14/03/2012 17:40

I think it's lovely.the GPs enjoy it and the mother enjoys having them in her and her children's life.I am really struggling to see where you are coming from Op? What's not to like?

ragged · 14/03/2012 18:00

Normally I find it tedious when someone describes an obviously outrageous situation & everyone replies "you mustn't judge, there might be things you don't know". Because almost certainly there isn't anything to know, it just is outrageous.

Still, I think this is obviously one of those situations (minus the outrageous element, though, coz it's nothing to do with OP & no harm done).

Can't blame OP for feeling very curious about it all, though.

Goawaybob · 14/03/2012 18:04

You're jealous

tutu100 · 14/03/2012 18:08

For a second I thought you must be talking about me, but I don't have a dog so phew! not me. But otherwise the situation you describe sounds like it could be about me. I look fit and healthy yet my parents take it in turn to take the ds's to school and normally one of them is always round here.

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I can't leave the house alone and without their help I couldn't get the ds's to school, do my shopping etc. Whilst they are here though they do other jobs as they like to be helpful.

To the outside world I look absolutely fine. But it probably does seem odd that in my 30's with 2 kids of my own I have one of my own parents with me all the time.

usualsuspect · 14/03/2012 18:12

I help my DD and grandchildren out a lot , because I love them and I want to .I do her gardening as well sometimes

Is that ok?

MIssMarplesSideKick · 14/03/2012 18:18

The people across the road are like your neighbours OP. My ex used tomget would up with all the in and out, although its the gp that live opposite.

I think they are just a close loving family.

When the GM was dying, and died they pulled together, and since, I see the daughter taking over her Mums job and dping the garden for her Dad, he has the kids still at weekends and then everyone for Sunday dinner. The GM used to when she was well have the kids when parents went to work.

I am a lone parent and disabled, my kids have no contact with ex or his family and no one offers to help me out, I do everything that two parents do, not help from amliving soul.

I don't resent anyone else having help, I wish I had people that cared about me and my dc that much.

jinsei · 14/03/2012 18:18

Well, my parents are in and out of our house quite often. Actually, we don't need their help at all and managed quite well without them until they moved to be near us last year. Thing is, they quite like us, strange as that may be. And they come not so much to help, but to spend time with us. That's why they moved 200 miles across the country to be here.

I don't need them to help, but I enjoy their company and like the fact that dd has a close relationship with them. Yes, they help out from time to time - because they can. We do the same for them. That's what families do, isn't it?

I get that not everyone has a close relationship with their parents, but see no reason to judge those who do. So YABU. But meh, I couldn't really care less what other people think about my family relationships, as it's really none of their business.

BTW - I am going to have dinner at my parents' house this evening - not because I can't cook for myself, but because they won't be around forever and I'd like to spend some time with them while they are. Judge all you like. Wink

KatieScarlett2833 · 14/03/2012 18:24

My FIL and MIL are round here all the time, they do stuff for us like gardening, DIY, running DC about when DH and I are unavailable. They collect their teenage GC's from school every Tuesday, feed them and bring them home. They have done this since DD was 5 (She is now 16). They live 5 mins drive from us.

I am my parents main carer, they live up the road. They are blind and very independent but sometimes a pair of eyes, my car and shopping are very necessary. The DC's and DH also help out there. As do my PIL's.

We live across the park from my DBIL, DSIL and my DNeph. We are in an out of each others houses all the time. I se my DNeph almost every day.We go on holiday with DBIL etc more often than not. We socialise together too. DD and DS pop in to see my DSIL most lunchtimes as she lives next to their school and she feeds them biscuits

Round here, this is not weird, we are a close family, tis all.

lostboysfallin · 14/03/2012 19:06

Mum is putting ds to bed right now- because she wants to.

cerys74 · 14/03/2012 19:10

Maybe the OP finds her neighbour's situation worthy of comment because she herself doesn't have a close relationship with her family? I would hate it if my parents were around all the time as they were quite overbearing when I was growing up - now I live hundreds of miles away and love the feeling of freedom that brings.

However I do realise that many other people are lucky enough to have loving families whose company they actually enjoy! That's great and I'm happy for them. I just couldn't deal with living like that myself.

What I'm trying to say is that if the OP doesn't come from a close family herself and is used to that state of affairs, routinely viewing the lives of a family with a very different set-up might well make her wonder how/why they live like that.

It's permissible to speculate about other people's lives IMO, as long as you don't get all judgey-pants over it and assume they're 'wrong' because they're not like you! To my mind the OP comes across as more incredulous than judgey (although there may be some judgery lurking in there too) :)

LauraShigihara · 14/03/2012 19:11

All these stories of close family relationships are very uplifting. It's so nice that all of you who have this type of family really seem to enjoy and appreciate it.

OriginalJamie · 14/03/2012 19:13

TBH, I assumed some sort of anxiety disorder when I read the OP

ComposHat · 14/03/2012 19:13

Gawd the amount of curtain twitching and busybodying that goes on in these threads.

The op would shame Mrs Mangle, Linda Snell and Phyllis Pearce put together.

cerys74 · 14/03/2012 19:13

Just re-read OP's post and actually it does come across as rather judgey!! Whoops. My point about her just not getting it still stands though.

OP, yes YABU to judge your neighbour on her family life. Not U to speculate, but def U to judge it!

OriginalJamie · 14/03/2012 19:13

I see my parents most weekends

Original poster
ssd · 14/03/2012 19:14

you're spot on cerys, I am incredulous at the amount of help they get/need

sure seems to have touched a nerve with many posters here, though, doesn't it Grin

OP posts:
Hebiegebies · 14/03/2012 19:20

Yes Grin

Dustinthewind · 14/03/2012 19:20

I have a similar happy and very close relationship with my parents to many others on this thread, yes we have keys to each other's houses, drop in regularly and my parents helped out in all sorts of ways when my children were younger. Especially with my son who has Aspergers, when 'friends' found him just too challenging.
But you know what?
They are older and more fragile now, and my children are 17 and 21. So we often do their shopping, help out with lifts because my dad doesn't drive any more and my mum never could. Do some gardening, help out in a hundred other ways.
My children share in the support, the jobs that need doing and often sit and chat and share stories with my parents.
When they are older and the medical issues increase and the needs become more complex, we will be there to help them to the same degree they helped us.
That's clan. That's family.
I'm sorry that you find it worthy of negative judgement OP, and I pity you.

OriginalJamie · 14/03/2012 19:27

ssd - you are still making assumptions about other people, which doesn't look that good. To paraphrase words from your OP:

"doesn't she realise it makes her look like she can't keep out of their lives ...?"

HugADalek · 14/03/2012 19:32

Meh, let her live her life the way she wants to.

As I've learned the hard way, not all disability is immediately visible, kidney problems, arthritis and mental health problems are the three that have struck me, and I am all on my own mostly, so I say good on her for getting a bit of support if her parents are happy to be involved.

Makes me wonder if people look at me and think along similar lines.

leftmysociallifeatthedoor · 14/03/2012 19:34

Yabu and jealous but in some ways i dont blame you.

I feel very lonely just now away from my family and my dad is extremely ill and my kids have had viruses / infections non stop for years weeks. It hurts that theyre not around as much as we'd'all like but its no-one elses fault, its just the way it goes. It does make me very very very sad though sometimes and also, yes, jealous at times.

FilterCoffee · 14/03/2012 19:35

YABU. Each to their own.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 14/03/2012 19:36

It's not me, either, because I don't have a dog. But - my mum and dad live in the same village (until recently, just across the road).

They are retired, and get bored easily. They also like gardening. I thought we had a self-weeding front garden until my mum confessed she'd been doing it while I was at work. She also came round and washed my net curtains because she noticed they were dirty.

Interfering? Maybe. But I am very grateful for the help that they give me. They also looked after both my children for 3.5 days a week before they started school, and now collect them at least once a week.

They didn't live nearby until I had children, but moved here as they wanted to be involved with their grandchildren.

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