to wonder why my neighbour needs so much help from her mum and dad?

[ssd]

my neighbour is married with 2 kids in school.

they family are fit and healthy (her words) with no underlying problems

they parents are, or at least seem, more than capable of looking after 2 kids

so AIBU on judging her on the amount of help she gets from her parents?

they are there every day, usually seperately, taking the kids to school, picking them up again, bringing in shopping, doing the garden, walking the dog, god knows what else

why do the parents need help every day?

why don't they want the in laws to get a sleep in/time to themselves and look after their kids themselves?

why do the in laws feel the need to always be helping, don't they realise they look like they can't stay out of their daughters life even for a day?

am slightly jealous and slightly confused why 2 grown up fit able bodied parents need the help of their parents every single day? it just looks like they cAN'T DO A BLARDY THING BY THEMSELVES. (OOPS SORRY) CAPS ON

' I thought we had a self-weeding front garden until my mum confessed she'd been doing it while I was at work.'

My dad used to pop over whilst I was at work and trim hedges, clean drains and tinker with stuff I had no interest in. I had no idea what was happening most of the time.
Mum leaves random crumbles in the kitchen, but sadly my teen gets home before me and usually there is a portion left if I'm lucky.

I agree with what gramercy said, way back on page 2. And whilst I am pleased for people like Showy, and think it is great that people can get on so well both sets of parents and I admit I am slightly jealous that they are so hands on and always available for the GCs, I can't help secretly feeling it's all a bit odd.

But I grew up without my dad around much, and a mother who sometimes made me feel like the parent, so I am always endlessly fascinated and baffled in equal measure by very close daddy/daughter relationships, and people who have a real emotional reliance on their mothers.

Can I also point out that I'd love someone to help with ironing, dusting, washing up and hoovering, but my parents only seem to do the bits they fancy.
Just can't get the labour these days.

'I am always endlessly fascinated and baffled in equal measure by very close daddy/daughter relationships, and people who have a real emotional reliance on their mothers.'

Think of it as a really close friendship if that helps you understand the idea of affection without conditions or dependency or beholdenness.

I haven't read the whole thread but am shocked that anyone would judge this! Either MIL or my parents or some other relative come over to mine most days. We enjoy each others company, they like seeing DS and I think it's lovely that DS will grow up in a close family.

Going slightly off tangent here, can people who have family all nearby and regularly see each other, say how they would cope if their DCs decide to move away for work, relationship reasons etc, and therefore they would no longer be able to do this. I ask this as I assume my MIL had visions that her life would very much be like the OPs neighbour's parents (as it was with my MILs parents and her siblings). Unfortunately both her sons moved away so this is not possible and she has never really forgiven them, and does not let them forget that she has never forgiven them

OP, how old are you?
I wonder if it makes a difference? I was very judgy in my twenties and early thirties about some other people's lifestyle choices and parenting. But that was twenty years ago.

I come from a clan that is scattered to the four corners of this spherical planet, but are emotionally close.
DD may well end up on the other side of the world, and I'd miss her but delight in her independence and adulthood. I'd plan my decrepitude without her in the picture.
Would I resent her? God no.

Agreeing with HillyWallaby! It's good that most people with close family (certain most of them on this thread anyway) seem happy about the situation. But 'My parents/PILs are far too involved in our lives ARGHH' threads seem to be two a penny on MN and it's the fear of a nice cosy family relationship turning into something more claustrophobic that puts me off the idea of moving nearer to family every time I briefly consider it.

It actually wouldn't be so bad if I knew my parents would take care to make lives of their own and not force us to be the nexus of their universe.... in fairness my dad would make his own amusements, whereas for my mum 'family time' would be the one bright spot in her day and she'd sit like a statue at all other times waiting for it. Makes me feel really, really responsible for her happiness and I don't want to be in that position ever again, hence the maintaining a discrete distance.

Just explaining that so all you people with close family ties don't just think I'm a robotic freak with no human emotions :)

ssd, why don't you strike up conversation over the fence? That way you could find out whether everyone over there is happy with how things are, whether the parents are demanding entitled lazy dolts or whether the gps are controlling bastards.

Come back, after, and let us know

jux nice idea

Enquiring nosy minds want to know!!

Toomuch - in answer to your question I did move away. My parents followed me! The rest of the extended family are still on the IOW, as are the in-laws. We now live in Yorkshire.

I did grow up with my grandparents right next door. So I supposed I'm used to it.

I will be positively encouraging my boys to move away. I think you need to try living somewhere else, rather than staying where you grew up and went to school and know absolutely everyone. I'm not intending to go and do their gardening.

Has is crossed your mind that the GPs might be doing this for fun/ to be close /involved/active part of the family?

Perhaps they get joy in spending time with the kids???

Hahaha, sounds like you are very jealous OP. There doesn't have to be an actual need for someone to get help and support from their parents. And it can be for as much as the parents are willing to give. I think it's nice.

I think it sounds like a lovely arrangement and probably how families work best in an extended, non-dysfunctional sense. After all, you don't stop loving your kids when they turn 18, do you? The desire to continue helping them, especially with something as important as bringing up a family is completely understandable.

I am (privately) jealous of those with family around to help and do think some don't realise how lucky they are to have all the practical support from DCs' grandparents. I only get a bit occasionally when people bang on about how tired and stressed they are even though they have tons of free childcare and all the help with house maintenance jobs (my elderly dad is way past anything like that).

Mostly, I just feel a bit sad for my kids that they don't have an extended family round them - but that's my issue not other people's.

''My parents/PILs are far too involved in our lives ARGHH' threads seem to be two a penny on MN'

Most posts on MN seem to be complaining about something, or negative. Few of us post good stuff on the main boards unless asked, probably in case they get told to STFU and stop being smug about or lives when there are defenceless puppy dogs being eaten in Korea and the like.
Hotdog anyone?

this thread has really set the cat amongst the pidgeons today!

I started it this morning after seeing the neighbours parents arrive again before 8 to help them out, or whatever they do

maybe the mum or dad are ill with something, but seeing as the gp's being there every day before 8 makes me think they are just very involved, not dealing with illness, but then again, who knows, or cares really

didn't expect all the posts saying what help others get all the time though, thats not what I was wondering, seems most folks missed what I was thinking and some others like megapixels just decided to be nasty and rude

i suppose maybe this thread would only go one way, most of the posters here seem to have loads of help and family all around them and can't imagne why I would ask the op in the first place

ssd you started a thread on AIBU. What did you expect people to say? You should have started it on "I want everyone to agree with me".

My mum used to turn up at 7.30am to babysit my children and them take them to school for 8.50am. As a teacher, that's the time I left for work.
So so the help I got from my mum benefited hundreds of bratlets that I taught. Perhaps even yours OP.

Toomuch - in answer to your question I did move away. My parents followed me!

Mine did too. I lived overseas for a good few years, several thousand miles away, so my parents are more than used to living far away from me, and likewise for my sister. But now they are retired, and they have followed us 200 miles across the country. I fully expect that dd will one day want to move away, as I did and as my parents did before me. DH and I may or may not choose to follow her, but regardless of distance, I hope that we will share the emotional closeness with her as an adult as DSis and I have with our parents now.

And I too pity anyone who doesn't understand this. :(

endo, I guess I wanted someone to explain how a fit healthy couple allows their parents who aren;t so fit and healthy to do so much for them, stuff that I think they could easily do themselves

but after reading all these posts, it seems there are loads of gp's out there doing loads for their grown up children to make there lives easier

I just don't see when the grown up children feel the need to start doing most of the childcare for themselves without having their mums or dads turn up to do it for them

but as I said this seems to be the norm on here, didn't expect that but there you go

I too am jealous of the people who get all this help.
I would love for someone to offer to help out but alas even though we have both sets of parents they are quite content not to!!!!!!!!
Jealous emotion!!!!
Or should that be envy??

'I just don't see when the grown up children feel the need to start doing most of the childcare for themselves without having their mums or dads turn up to do it for them'

I don't think you will ever understand OP, so can you just accept that for some of us it works as an extended family unit with love and respect and no exploitation involved. We shared our children, with all the people in their lives, very happily.
We share a house with our teenagers without fights and rages and feeling unappreciated as well, we share the house and the jobs needed.

Jealous much?

You don't know what the situation is, judgey-pants.