to wonder why my neighbour needs so much help from her mum and dad?

[ssd]

my neighbour is married with 2 kids in school.

they family are fit and healthy (her words) with no underlying problems

they parents are, or at least seem, more than capable of looking after 2 kids

so AIBU on judging her on the amount of help she gets from her parents?

they are there every day, usually seperately, taking the kids to school, picking them up again, bringing in shopping, doing the garden, walking the dog, god knows what else

why do the parents need help every day?

why don't they want the in laws to get a sleep in/time to themselves and look after their kids themselves?

why do the in laws feel the need to always be helping, don't they realise they look like they can't stay out of their daughters life even for a day?

am slightly jealous and slightly confused why 2 grown up fit able bodied parents need the help of their parents every single day? it just looks like they cAN'T DO A BLARDY THING BY THEMSELVES. (OOPS SORRY) CAPS ON

This would have been perfectly normal a generation (OK, maybe two generations) ago. If it's working for everyone involved then it's nice to see an extended family operating in this way.

(as it appears to be necessary, disclaimer: my parents and ILs are all still alive but live a couple of hours' drive away so I don't have them "running after" me)

I get that some people may not have a very good relationship with their parents (I don't and it's a whole different thread!) (I do get on very well with DP's family and they help us out a lot and I am very grateful) but some people actually do get on with their parents and I don't judge anyone for getting along with theirs, perhaps this is what this is about OP? You don't get along with your family so no one is allowed to get along with theirs? Bit unfair (but I am assuming alot there so apologies if I am wrong!

I totally get where you are coming from.
When DS was born my best friend who was perfectly healthy had a dd at the same time. Her DH worked 9 to 5 (not late home ever). Her parents turned up at least twice a week to clean, garden, baby sit etc

My mum lived miles away and never helped but visited twice a year, dad and his wife moved 8 hours away when I was pregnant. I was soooooo jealous of my friend and her family, but also thought it odd how much they did some weeks, they almost took over

Now my elderly dad is in living in our road as his wife died. I spend more time taking him to hospital appointments etc but it's still lovely having him lose by and he will sit with our kids while I go out. It's such a lively change to have a helpful, if elderly parent near by

As for the question of both OPs neighbours being healthy, many illness don't show up. ME, asthma, depression

Elephants- it still is normal in lots of working-class areas where families live near each other. The GP's are often quite young too, my colleague is 40 and has the grandchildren over a lot (toddlers).

There are obviously downsides to family involvement: can be difficult to have private time, change arrangements, you may not agree with how they parent/do things, GP's may feel obliged to help out, some Gp's may be undermining. It depends on the individuals concerned.

But the pluses are great. In our house, granny is part of the family (when the children draw a family they draw her in it too) and comes to all the ballet shows and school assemblies etc. She's also has her own active social life and wouldn't put it on hold to babysit for me. It's not all about ironing (which neither of us do).

I have a single girl in her 30's opposite me. Her parents helped her renovate and decorate her house, her mum comes and does the garden.
Is that unacceptable too?

op - The parents may be demanding help from the GPs, the GPs may be desperate to give help, or they may all be happy with this situation - it is impossible to know.

Some parents ime do use GPs. A friend of my mum and her DH run around after their DH and her family. They actually don't want to do as much, but seem incapable of saying no when asked to do anything - although they complain a lot about the situation. But even if it is this kind of situation, ultimately it is down tothe people involved as to how they get on together.

YANBU to wonder but YABU to judge

My parents still very much look afterme - maybe they want to do it OP?

Oh dear, I can't believe I'm reading this.

OP, how about it's because the GP's absolutely want to do what they're doing?

Maybe it's what makes their life worthwhile, because they're a close and loving family.

Maybe they couldn't give a shiny shit 'how it looks' to anyone else?

I am often amazed how much my parents and ILs willingly do to help us (I know it's willing because, like SOH, I frequently demur, and tell them they don't have to). I know I'm lucky, I know that they won't always be able to, and I know I will reciprocate (though I don't think think that's why they do it).

I also am v aware others don't have the help - when people say I must be so busy etc I explain the help we get and that I know, it's not 'real life' in some ways. But you are BU.

My children growing up like the OP is one of my biggest fears. I understand that teenagers need a lot of independence from their parents, and that when somebody has a new baby they often want a bit of space.

But if I had adult children with children of their own, and they were still pulling the teenage distance thing of, "I'm an adult now. I don't need you anymore!" I'd be really upset. I love children and I'm really looking forward to having grandchildren and I really hope that my children will want to live near me and give me the opportunity to spend time with my grandchildren.

My parents live two and a half hours away, but they often have the children during the holidays. My mum really looks forward to any opportunity to come and pick DD up from school.

stupid OP

My parents do things like this for me. My children sleep at their house every Tuesday night (I am still sat in my PJs having not gotten up until 9:30am ). My Dad is only ever a phone call away if I need my dogs walking. They drive me to Asda with them on a Wednesday night to do my 'big shop', they take my children camping for a week every year without fail. They do skip runs willy nilly for me and most of my DIY.

Why? Because they love me and my children and like to help me and spend time with me.

If my mum lived close, she would see my children most days. I saw my grandparents nearly every day - whether it was to get 50p for the electric meter, to do some baking, say hello, no reason at all.

I manage on my own every day (DH works FT), I would be a bit green with envy over her closeness to her parents but wouldn't be on here questioning why....

OrangeCrushed I'm betting you've got RSI from all the control+v-ing going on there

OP I possibly would be slightly jealous too - I have 4dcs, no family close by and a dh that works away Mon-Fri most of the time. But I would BU to be even slightly jealous. It was my choice - none of these facts have changed in years. I do know that if my mum and MiL lived closer we'd see a lot of them possibly too much for my liking but they don't.

So, YABU. Very. Stop being nosy and jealous.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to question. But I'm quite a proud arrogant person and I think I'd find having my parents living in my pockets a bit wearing, not to mention belittling for some reason. I am after all a grown up.

But a bit of help is certainly nice, and appreciated on the odd occasion that it comes my way. I think a compromise is there to be had - parents that are helpful yet still have their own lives and where total reliance on them isn't a given.

You could be talking about my SIL except she has 3 kids. She lives round the corner from her parents and they are literally at her beck and call, they will drop anything to go get the kids from school because she has a hair appointment.

Last time we were staying at the inlaws (we live 200 miles away and hadn't seen them for months) our entire day out was put on hold because FIL and DH just HAD to go over there to put a mirror on the wall for her. Oh, and then pick up some chickens for her. I was sat with the kids dressed and ready to go for 2 hours fuming- we couldn't leave til they got back.

The weird thing is the inlaws moan about it to us, but they still just do it! And DH gets sucked in too whenever we are there. (And I'm also a bit jealous as we have no help).

My parents are like this with my sister and she has always depended on them.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

It would drive me or my other sister bonkers, but it works for them.

I think it is OK to wonder but,as a grandma myself, I love helping DD and family especially with childcare. It is great to feel useful and to have the privilege of sharing the early years of dgc life. I also like to provide the odd meal or do some shopping,I like to surprise DD and her dh with the odd bottle of wine,posh biscuits or Spring flowers. What do I get out of it? I get love and joy :-)

I see my inlaws at least twice a day, they KIDNAP my children given any opportunity :) If I happen to mention (or he notices) anything slightly loose or not working in the house, FIL turns up unannounced with his toolbox, they come round for brews, let themselves in, if I'm anywhere near their house I do the same, we sometimes go shopping together and so on.

My parents are even "worse" when we are over there and when we lived there - me and DD1 used to stay at their house 3 nights a week due to my work being nearer, I used to help my mum care for my grandad, I never went to the supermarket without my mum, my Dad used to "invent" things for our house, my sisters and I were in and out. Even now DD1 is in school and we live 200 miles away, we have our own beds there (as do my two sisters) and keep about 7 or 8 full sets of clothes each there, cups for the baby, toys, books, toiletries, etc.

My nana was the same when we were growing up - she would be round fopr a brew, doing the ironing etc several times a day. If the dog got out, we knew he would go straight to nana's house. She had her own bedroom at our house and we had our own cupboards at hers. Grandad would hear us read, Nana did the school run. Even when I visit Nana now, she helps look after the kids, I set her video/get her shopping, she actually lives with my Mum and Dad now.

Is it not just what being a family is all about? I would find it very sad if I had to suddenly stop being involved in the DDs lives when they have children.

My MIL actually once said to me "never stop letting FIL do the school run - it is keeping him going"

So there you go. Quite often I would prefer to do it myself, but then often I quite treasure no going out in the rain :)

YANBU to wonder about it.

YABU to give it too much headspace.

I would wonder if I were you. I'd also be pretty jealous as I have no help whatsoever but the level of involvement you describe sounds stifling to me.

I think a happy medium is nice - enough help to make life easier and that the GPs benefit from too without interfering or becoming too involved.

Oh do fuck off and mind your own business. I'm an able bodied adult who is currently suffering from quite bad depression, help along those lines would be an absolute god send for me at the moment.

YABU, it's none of your business, doesn't affect you, and I really wouldn't waste another moment thinking about it. You must spend a lot of time 'observing' them every day!

Personally I'd hate to have my parents that over-involved in my life, but every family is different I guess, and you don't know what additional needs or problems they might have.

And though I don't have parental involvement, we do have a cleaner, dog-walker, occasionally gardener, and get groceries delivered...if/when we have a child we'll probably hire a childminder or nanny who will likely be picking the child up from school - yes we're able-bodied adults and we could do these things ourselves, we just don't want to! I don't think I'll be worrying too much about how it makes us 'look' and being judged by nosey neighbours

'My MIL actually once said to me "never stop letting FIL do the school run - it is keeping him going"' - My mum told me similar about my dad. He suffers debilitating depression and a myriad of various other health problems. He rarely gets out of bed, but to walk his or my dogs (his only reason for living in his eyes is his dogs) except on the days my children stay at his house.

He gets up with them and polishes their shoes and irons their uniforms while my mum does their breakfast. He also cooks and buys in special suppers ready for their arrival.

In his mind niether me, nor my mum, could cope without his help. Which is bollocks really, but it makes him feel better so we let him believe it.

She also told me even though he whinges constantly about having to repair the endless list of 'things that get broken' in my house he quite looks forward to me phoning with another water-every-where or cuboard-falling-off-the-wall disaster. It adds to his feeling of usefulness. He is apparently toying with the idea of spending one afternoon a week at my house teaching me DIY in preparation for him becoming too ill to help. I used to spend my summers working with him in his building business. I know how to re-tile a wall if I need to, but were it not for small jobs my sisters and I give him, he would never leave the house, so we keep phoning him.

If my parents lived closer (and Dh's too) I'd see them every day - willingly! When we moved house (I was 8 months preg) my parents, sis & bil, dh's mum and our best friends rallied round to move all our stuff and help paint the nursery.
My parents helped us get our garden from nothing into what it is today (4 days hard labour). My mil bought us some stuff for the house.
They babysit/have ds over to stay for a couple of days at a time because a) they want to and b) ds LOVES IT (not weekly).

All families are different.