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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my neighbour needs so much help from her mum and dad?

249 replies

ssd · 14/03/2012 09:10

my neighbour is married with 2 kids in school.

they family are fit and healthy (her words) with no underlying problems

they parents are, or at least seem, more than capable of looking after 2 kids

so AIBU on judging her on the amount of help she gets from her parents?

they are there every day, usually seperately, taking the kids to school, picking them up again, bringing in shopping, doing the garden, walking the dog, god knows what else

why do the parents need help every day?

why don't they want the in laws to get a sleep in/time to themselves and look after their kids themselves?

why do the in laws feel the need to always be helping, don't they realise they look like they can't stay out of their daughters life even for a day?

am slightly jealous and slightly confused why 2 grown up fit able bodied parents need the help of their parents every single day? it just looks like they cAN'T DO A BLARDY THING BY THEMSELVES. (OOPS SORRY) CAPS ON

OP posts:
Theunincredibles · 14/03/2012 09:35

Yabu seriously why would you give a fuck. We get alot of help from my parents, I have never felt the need to share the reasons with my neighbours, nor actually thought they would be sad enough to care.

Stop twitching your nets and get on with life.

sparkle12mar08 · 14/03/2012 09:36

I have no parents, they died when I was a teenager and my in laws live a 250mile round trip away. So I don't have gp's running round after me, thanks. Once again stop being so nosey and judgemental, you're making a total fool out of yourself, never a good look dear.

Mumsyblouse · 14/03/2012 09:38

Ssd- You value independence, lucky you, that's what you've got.

ShowofHands, there's no point in trying to get people to see that mutual dependence can be a good thing, especially with elderly/sick people in the family. The families I know who help each other out a lot help all the members out a lot- my mum helps me, she calls to see my granny every day, takes her places, goes with her to hospital appointments, takes other members of the extended family to pick up their pensions. When I cook, I do a portion for my brother and take it round to him.

The good thing is: if you don't like this type of life, you can easily move away and not have it.

Pusheed · 14/03/2012 09:39

"why do the in laws feel the need to always be helping, don't they realise they look like they can't stay out of their daughters life even for a day?"

Are you talking about your neighbour or yourself? I'm asking being it sounds like you are projecting particularly since the subject of your AIBU isn't even a friend or a relation.

I am quite close to my family. DP on the other hand isn't. The only time DP hears from them is when they want somewhere to stay or need a favour or to borrow money. Consequently DP makes similar comments whenever I help out my family or when they help me out.

Kikithecat · 14/03/2012 09:39

I have also been guilty of being jealous of those whose parents are young, fit and willing enough to help out.

YABU and so am I.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/03/2012 09:40

Everyone is judgy though. MN would collapse if we suddenly all stopped, so I'm not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time (and I say this as someone whose parents help me out a lot).

Could be though, that the neighbour is desperate for her parents/ILs to bugger off home and they just won't go!

lostboysfallin · 14/03/2012 09:40

I think you might be talking about my parents
They do it because they love their children and grandchildren
They want to spend time with them
My brother and sil also love them, and couldn't imagine it any other way
My dad is currently helping my brother renovate their completely gutted house.
He is getting on a bit and can't do much physically, but he feels wanted and needed and is helping a lot
Honestly, I think you've got this all backwards. Some families enjoy spending time together.

BoomOoYattaTaTa · 14/03/2012 09:41

You could always pop a questionnaire through the door.

MidnightinMoscow · 14/03/2012 09:41

Well I think calling the OP a cow is uncalled for.

OP - I suspect you know YABU.

However, I totally understand feeling a bit jelous when you have no family help. We are in a similar situation, my family live close but choose not to help, DH's family live 200 miles away.

I crave that pop in, regular help that others seem to have. Funnily enough it's not the practicle help I would like, but rather a family that want to spend time with us and the children.

I have vowed I will be a very different grandparent one day.

peggyblackett · 14/03/2012 09:41

ssd, didn't you start a similar thread a while back? If so, I really think you need to let this go.

I personally would love more help from the GPs, but they have their lives and I respect that. No point envying others, it only makes you bitter.

YonWhaleFish · 14/03/2012 09:42

maybe thats what divides this thread up, people who have the gp's running after them and like it and people who haven't

I am getting REALLY sick of this attitude on mumsnet recently. If you happen to disagree you are accused of said perceived problem (ie in the parking illegally thread someone was called fat because they disagreed with a poster declaring that all illegal parkers were fat - "oh, you are fat then?" grrr).

FYI I think this is non of your business, and you're making big assumptions.

Not because I have the "gp's running around after me". My mum is DEAD and has been for 7 years. My dad lives hundreds of miles away and is out of the country for half the year anyway.

Pusheed · 14/03/2012 09:43

"You could always pop a questionnaire through the door" :o :o I Like

TheGreatHunt · 14/03/2012 09:43

Everyone judges about something. I understand OP although you're a bit U.

I remember when I was miserable at home with DS probably borderline PND and was jealous of my neighbour who had friends and family over every day to help. However I knew I was U to feel that way as I'd happily snap up the help myself!

OrangeCrushed · 14/03/2012 09:45

It was either lots of biscuits, or I would have said something I would have regretted?

:o

squeakytoy · 14/03/2012 09:46

what on earth has it got to do with you? it is absolutely none of your business, and I think it is nice that they are a close family..

I see my MIL every day, I go to her house, she comes to mine. I see my stepson every day too.. we are a close family, and we see a lot of each other and help each other out, spend time together because we enjoy each other's company, and it isnt a case of running around after each other, we just like having a family life together.

DucketyDuckDuck · 14/03/2012 09:46

I lived next door to someone who had the same thing going on with her parents.

They paid for alot of stuff, in fact we used to joke alot about them. Call her Mrs Bouquet, wonder how she would manage without her Mum's credit card. Dad did the garden, Mum helped with the kids.

But you know what? I only wish I could have been lucky enough to have the same relationship with my shit parents.

Leave em alone, they are happy.

Stratters · 14/03/2012 09:47

Oh FFS, you'd judge me too. My DParents are really close to us, like to see the DDs a lot and DSis and I even socialise with them. And yes, they always ring before coming over to see if I want any shopping. Because they are kind, caring, good parents/grandparents.

And my DDad does all my DIY, I'm not allowed to do DIY, because I chop bits of myself off.

NonnoMum · 14/03/2012 09:47

I sound very like your neighbour, only with 3 kids. My DH is out the house often from 7am - 7pm and so they -
help me get the kids dresses and out
spend a lot of time reading etc one on one with each child
do loads of domestic jobs (hanging out washing/ironing etc)
Sit in with two kids if I have to take one to GP/dance class etc.

My parents are recently retired and are BORED. I'm only to happy to give them stuff to do - it enables me to work part time and my job involves a lot of work from home/email catch up etc. In return, my DH does loads of jobs for them at the weekend, we drive them out and about, I help them with correspondence etc (they don't 'get' computers).

Have often wondered if any of the neighbours might be judging me!

sparkle12mar08 · 14/03/2012 09:48

Like me OrangeCrushed?! I wondered about doing biscuits too. Okay I take back the 'cow', but she's still nosey and chronically judgemental, her whole post reeks of it.

OrangeCrushed · 14/03/2012 09:48

I don't know what the question mark was for

Pozzled · 14/03/2012 09:48

YANBU to wonder why they are so involved, we all wonder about other people's lives, especially when they are very different from our own. And YANBU to be a little bit jealous.

But YABveryU to judge because you can't possibly know the whole story. You are making the assumption that the neighbours want their parents around, and are asking for their help constantly. Has MN taught you nothing? Haven't you seen the threads saying 'My parents/PIL are constantly dropping round and interfering in our lives, how can we make them stop??' Grin

Chances are though, that everybody involved is entirely happy with the arrangement and it works for them. So it's noone else's business.

SoupDragon · 14/03/2012 09:48

"maybe thats what divides this thread up, people who have the gp's running after them and like it and people who haven't"

In what way does it divide the thread up?

How can you tell who has GPs running around after them and who hasn't?

sparkle12mar08 · 14/03/2012 09:50

I was saying that maybe if I'd had your restraint and good judgement I wouldn't have said what I did, i.e. biscuits were a good choice Smile

lostboysfallin · 14/03/2012 09:50

The parents don't necessarily need the grandparents to run around. I'm sure they are not using them.
I think my parents probably pick up my nieces 3 or4 times a week, they all text each other about 3 to see who is picking them up.
I would love that kind of help( don't live nearby) but im not jealous
Its just family
They are all different, and you have no right to judge them, you have no real idea of what is going on

ElphabaisWicked · 14/03/2012 09:51

Are you my neighbour (though I work part time out of the house and part time at home)

My fil was made redundant a couple of years ago and mil a couple of years before that. Fil has some health problems. They live in a small house in an area that is rapidly declinging (drug dealers etc). They love coming to my house. Walking my dog gives fil some excercise and an interest in life (they lost their own dog 18 months ago)

Mil insists on picking ds up from school even when I don't need them to. They practically live at my house sometimes (it feels) and I do sometimes long for a bit of space but I much prefer my dc to have a good relationship with them and am very grateful for the help they give us, espeically as dh is away with work a lot.