We cannot agree on this obviously. AIBU?

[bjf1]

After reading through a lot of the Relationship threads on MN, I decided that I would have to have THE TALK with my DH.
I was very calm, so was he. We both put our own points across, and I, stupidly, felt that we had made a real breakthrough.
My gripe was that he did not participate enough, both with the DCs or the home. He argued that he went to work and earned the money and that he did not think it was fair that he should come home and start work againg.
I argued that, as a SAHM to 3 DCS, I did a lot of work too throughout the day, albeit not paid work.
He argued that he was entitled to relax in the evening. I argued that so was I, and it was always me that continued with the chores whilst he relaxed watching TV.
Anyway, I really thought we had cleared the air and that things would change. But they haven't. He has made no effort at all and I am still left doing chores until long after he has sat down for a relaxing evening.
AIBU to expect him to at least try to change his attitude or what?

Sorry, still not got the hang of the italics....

I'm struggling to see the point of your husband. Think you wouldn't be any worse off on your own and at least you wouldn't have to watch him sitting on his arse while you do all the evening chores.

Firstly, you need to resolve this lack of card issue. Do you not have joint bank accounts? It's very important that you have access to money and that isn't controlled by your husband. So, sort that before you do anything else.

Secondly, stop doing his books. That's part of his job. He's doing fuck all in the house, so I cannot fathom why you are doing part of his job for him as well as all the stuff in the home.

Thirdly, your 'job' is to look after the children. I think it's fine that as a sahp you do most of the housework, but you shouldn't be doing all of it. I would stop cooking for him/cleaning his clothes etc, until he 'gets' that his personal chores are just that - his, not yours. Your responsibility is to the children. That means making the home clean for them, not ironing etc for your 'd'h.

Finally, if I'm honest, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who appears to have opted out of family life. I'd get shot of him, because you won't be worse off on your own.

bjf I suggested leaving them in his sole care, because he's their dad and should be able to manage a bit of time alone with three children. I don't mean for weeks, I mean while you go out shopping (and not to Tescos) or see a friend or have a nap. The problem is if you have a SAHP, it's very easy on weekends to let that person do everything, the other parent effectively becomes deskilled at parenting (his fault, not yours I hasten to add). He probably worries he can't look after them, he can't justify having time off all weekend as well as in the week.

Leaving him to get on with it has a dual purpose, eventually something will kick in and he'll actually start parenting (and don't worry, nothing bad will happen to them in the meantime, they probably won't eat anything exciting or go out of the house), giving him more confidence to parent and it will also show him what bloody hard work it is looking after three children, two littlies and an older child. I would leave him to it.

bfj1, do you seriously believe your DH is negligent? Seriously, honestly hand on heart - that he could not be trusted with the children you have together on his own?

Also makes me envy when I see families shopping at the weekend TOGETHER, Dads too

TBH we stopped that early, its a massive time waster and neither of us particulalrly like shopping. Next step was Amazon and the Ocado man. The Internet is your friend!

if you cannot trust your husband to look after your children, there is no future in your marriage

whether or not he thinks putting the bins out is beneath him

Can you ask him if he thinks doing the cooking, housework etc is work.

If he says yes then tell him that means you are entitled to relax as well.

If he says no then tell him he can do it, as he doesn't think it is work.

Fret not, it is perfectly normal for men to behave like this.

IF IT IS STILL 1975!!!

My GBF's Dad was the same. Came home from work when his wife looked after the DC all day and went straight to the sofa, slippers already put out in the way that I get DS' pyjamas ready for him , clean ashtray, and there the fucker would stay until dinner. He would move four metres to the table, never taking his eye off Tomorrow's World / Emmerdale and shuffle back to his pit afterwards.

That family looked after me for a while because my mother worked evenings until eleven. My Dad, however, would pick me up and take me to the park or to majorettes or piano lessons, feed me, bathe, put me to bed...

Blimey. Even if I was sat at home all day eating creamcakes and watching Jeremy Vile my DH would still come home after a day's work and wash up, help with homework, play with the kids, cook, do bedtime etc- because we are his family and he is interested in and wants to be a part of it. We have no set division of labour here - we just get on and do whatever jobs are needed because we both participate fully in family life. Sounds like your DH has mentally left. I think you just need to ask him if he is really that into you - because it doesn't sound as if he thinks family life is much fun, tbh.

I'd be tempted to remove the power supply from the TV, wait till he comes home, hand him the toddler then make a run for it. Come back in about 3 hours or so.

"LOL, the difference is that if the OP lived on her own, she would be doing everything she currently does (except the books) & holding down a job!!!!"

But that is hardly the point is it PostBellumBugsy? She isn't on her own therefore her DH should be (and should want to) participating in family life. Not just sitting on his arse ignoring his kids and getting waited on by his wife.

Absolutely twofalls, which is why I made all the suggestions further I did about how she could get him off his backside to do a bit of parenting.

However, it is slightly ludicrous to query how it would be any different if she wer on her own. The income aspect is very significant IMO!

Damn, I'm illiterate!

....."which is why I made all the suggestions further up, about how she could get him off his backside to do a bit of parenting."

Ah I see Post, didn't see all that.

Why don't you have a debit card? Do you have a joint account?

It's incredibly sad that he does not want to spend any time with his children.

Rhinos - the point is over there, whistling over your head, about a mile to your left.

Why are you suggesting ways for the OP to continue doing everything, enabling her oafish husband to carry on sitting on his fat arse?

But apart from the evenings do you do anything together as a family - walks? Swimming? My DP struggles to know what to do / "how" to play but does like taking DS to the cinema. Could you find something similar for your DP to do with the kids?

If OP had a job then someone else would be looking after her toddler, and the house wouldnt get as messy etc.
She is doing a job, at home, looking after their child/ren.
Also, if she and her husband lived apart, he would have to pay maintenence for the children. Which I am sure he would resent enourmously, as he doesn't seem to think they are anything to do with him.

Update alert:
after another "TALK" this afternoon, it appears that I am completely banging my head against a brick wall.
Re the debit card: "Why do we need a joint account?" Apparently, my misspent youth is my problem, not his. And "You get child tax credits so that should be enough". Last time he went shopping for food, bread cost 7/6d!
Evening chores, ie cooking, washing pots, making up lunchboxes for next day, "I don't know what you want for dinner/lunchboxes, etc" even though he bloody eats it, not me.
Bath and bed for DCs, "Just tell them to do it themselves" even though DD is only 5 . Has agreed to bathe 3 year old.
With regards to the bookwork "Oh well, if it's too much like hard work for you then I'll have to do it" (dripping with sarcasm).
Yes, after 12 years of carrying them all, I have brought it on myself, so I need a good slap round the back of the head for that one.
But if I want to get back into work or training in September, I forsee a distinct lack of support, and that is a scary thought.

Re the debit card: "Why do we need a joint account?" Apparently, my misspent youth is my problem, not his

Everything else is give and take IMO, but that IMO is a deal breaker.

Does a mis-spent youth treally last a decade either?

Agree, all money should have equal access for both of you.

Unless he earns very little, then child credits hardly touch the supermarket shop

Would he 'let you' use his card for online food shopping? I will run away now I've lit the touch paper, glad I'm not in the room if you ask him...

There is no way I would put up with that op and, unless you robbed a bank, I can't believe you can't get a debit card after 10 years.

Neither of you are setting a good example to your kids, you by by being your husband's skivvy and him by treating you like an employee slave.

Well, if I was in your position, refusal to share the money would be a deal breaker. The deal, when you are a sahp, is that you do the majority of the house work/child care while your partner is at work and the partner going out to work shares the money with you. You are a team and that is your chosen way of dividing the load.

But he is not playing fair. You are doing all this stuff, that he benefits from (including his books) and he is keeping all the money too. Refusal to share money is financial abuse.

For me, I would tell him very clearly that the money gets split 50/50, or we divorce.

You are right in that when you return to work, you will be doing the whole lot on your own and he will continue to sit on his arse and let you.