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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not identify with the feminist boards on here, when i always thought I was a feminist

952 replies

DinahMoHum · 11/03/2012 11:03

seems so joyless and anti sex.

I feel very conflicted now. I always thought feminism was about equality for women, which I dont believe we have, but it seems to re\lly be focusing on the wrong issues for me, and getting too much into dynamics of personal relationships, and peoples sexual preferences

im probably being unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:25

I dont think there really was anyone who was "pro" the sex industry. More people who dont think the whole thing is completely evil. More pro-choice about it

OP posts:
runningforthebusinheels · 12/03/2012 13:29

I support the fabulous MN 'we believe you' campaign, which the MN feminists had a huge role in conceiving and supporting. If I remember rightly, it was spawned after a thread on FWR about rape and sexual violence, which had been invaded by mra's.

So Thanks to the MN FWR regulars and to MNHQ for this.

garlicbutter · 12/03/2012 13:30

It looks like another pro versus anti bunfight to me. The OP asked for validation of her own reactions. She got that, then she got some telling her to calm down dear, it's only a prostitute, then that engendered some indignant replies.

I feel sorry for the OP. She's not responsible for the sex industry. Unfortunately, I'm with those who think it's dangerous to let anti-women assumptions go unchecked, especially on a widely read & respected forum.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 13:30

Dinah, IMO, that is how the thread read

Some people were trying to minimise her distress

now you can dress it up as "pro choice" if you like, but that poor Op had no choice at all, did she ?

so it was all the menz "choice"

are you really happy with that stance on a predominantly female site ?

which posts do you think the OP would find most helpful ? Those that condemn her husband's actions, or those that side with her when she lays the blame at her own feet for his behaviour ?

PosiePumblechook · 12/03/2012 13:30

There are an abundance of posters who like to diminish the feelings of betrayal some women feel when they find out their DH has a significant porn habit or goes lap dancing.

Trouble with Feminism DMH is that once your eyes are opened and you begin to unravel universal truths you can't pretend you are still blind.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 13:32

lining up to help a woman blame herself for a man's disrespectful actions is quite clearly anti-feminist, and anyone that disagrees with that is not a feminist as I recognise it

ShirleyKnot · 12/03/2012 13:36

It is how it reads to me though Dinah.

ShirleyKnot · 12/03/2012 13:39

Oh and your point Dinah, in your opening post and it subsequent posts is that it's the posters on the FWR boards who are taking these stances that you find uncomfortable.

I am saying it is not just FWR's or "radfems" who are disagreeing with YOUR belief that men using prostitutes is not as awful as many women believe it to be. Confused

Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:41

if you think trying to comfort someone as a negative thing, as minimising distress as some sort of terrible thing, im not sure what to say. I saw one single person who gave a slightly dodgy reply in that respect, but was quickly shot down. That wasnt the side I was on.

I saw a hell of a lot of people trying to wind the poster into more distress than she originally seemed to feel. When she said it was an otherwise fantastic relationship and how confused she was, her ideas of a good relationship were picked apart because it couldnt possibly have been good in any way whasoever if he had actually visited a prostitute, and she was told that this was much much worse than an affair, and that he was this and he was that, and she needed to leave and that she was abused, and he was cruel,mysogynistic etc when she had said nothing of the kind. She was bombarded with facts and figures about the sex industry using loaded terminology. it just seemed so...............unsupportive. Im not sure what was hoped to be acheived really.

It was a horrible situation, but im pretty sure if i was that poster, id have come away feeling a hell of a lot worse afterwards

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 12/03/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:44

its not one side versus the other though is it. Its not pro prostitutes and anti prostitutes. Its possible to just comfort someone through a horrible time and helping them reach their own conclusions about whether they can live with the betrayal and trust again, or whether they cant. It wasnt supposed to be a debate on what her partner did. It was supposed to be support for her

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 12/03/2012 13:46

Do people really post about their personal problems in FWR? I have found the discussions to be more ideological or about things that are not major life crises.

ShirleyKnot · 12/03/2012 13:46

Well actually Dinah the OP on that thread has posted that she is grateful for the posts - so you are worrying unneccesarily. Smile

TheBigJessie · 12/03/2012 13:47

You don't have to believe the sex industry is completely evil, in order to think that a cheating bastard is a cheating bastard, though.

Spending the household's income on being a cheating bastard is also bad. The significant possibility that the woman he had sex with was not the "happy hooker" of lore, isn't the only reason men get condemned.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 13:48

Dinah, the first person to bombard the thread with facts and figures was a pro-sex industry poster

I agree that it wasn't helpful to then get into a "links war", so I didn't and most people didn't

incidentally, how did you feel about the poster that "joked" about how wonderful a site such as P*unternet is on that thread ?

Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:48

and i think that there are times when men using prostitutes is really fucking horrible, and there are lots of issues in the sex industry that need sorting out, but i dont think prostitution in itself, is inherently wrong. Who is anyone else to tell me im not allowed to take money for sex if i feel like it.

OP posts:
Beachcomber · 12/03/2012 13:48

DinahMoHum what you are accusing these posters of doing is considered trolling on MN.

I mean if that is what they are really doing; "pushing a huge agenda, and insensitively using other peoples issues, problems or questions as if they're pawns".

On the other hand it is entirely possible that these posters are just giving advice and opinions that are different to yours. In which case you are personally attacking them by accusing them of doing the above just because you disagree with them.

It has to be one or the other really. Either they are doing what you claim in which case they should be reported and dealt with, or they are just normal posters saying what they think on a public forum, in which case you are attacking them. And dragging things across threads.

I quote the guidelines again;
"If you get into a ruck with someone, leave it at the thread door. It is more than possible to be falling out with a poster on one thread and their best mate on another thread." squonk

Seems fairly simple to me.

PosiePumblechook · 12/03/2012 13:48

I've now seen the thread. I saw the OP's confusion in the disgust she feels against the man she believed she knew and loved.

PosiePumblechook · 12/03/2012 13:49

DMH.... The law, that's who.

Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:49

i dont remember that particular post anyfucker.

OP posts:
HesterBurnitall · 12/03/2012 13:51

You don't get to say what s and isn't supportive, Dinah. You can offer what you believe to be support, it's up to others to decide for themselves how to do the same thing.

Whatmeworry, pronouncing that AIBU is friendlier does not make it so anywhere outside of your opinion. Some will agree, others disagree. It's not a fact, you are not an arbiter of what constitutes friendly.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 13:51

Dinah, did you say you are a relatively new poster ?

It's how those threads always go, believe me

if you don't like it (and I don't blame you, for the aspect you are talking about, as I prefer to keep things on a personal level, whilst acknowledging that how individuals behave has a wider impact on society) then you will have to get used to it I am afraid, or stay away

Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:52

beachcomber, that kind of moderation is a bit OTT imo. I can see it being useful in extreme circumstances, but id consider a troll as someone who was posting deliberastly inflamatory things or lies in order to get people angry, rather than this

OP posts:
Original poster
DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 13:56

i do get to say what i think is and isnt supportive hester. Why shouldnt i be able to say that. Im not saying you have to agree with me.

What do you think being supportive means?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 13:57

Dinah, the post is at 12:36 on that thread

I think you had flounced by then, which kinda proves my point that not standing your ground, and then whinging about a whole group of posters elsewhere is not actually very useful

why don't you go back and rip that poster a new one for joking about addictive P*unternet is, on a thread where a woman is devastated by her husbands use of prostitutes. Is that not the definition of callous and inflammatory and using someone's distress to score points ? it wasn't a FWR poster that did that

that poster was one of the pro-choice proponents further up the thread you seem so keen to defend < shrug >

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