to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

My sahm work and dh's work take all day. Then he gets home and there are still chores to do. Because he's been at work should I stay up until midnight to finish them, or should we split the work that spills into the evening and weekends 50/50?

Imnvho the latter.

I include bath and bedtime. I spend that with older boys reading stories etc and DH baths baby.

he hasn't done it cos he's in the pub! :) where I'd be if someone was obsessing over a bin, that most probably the OP has filled through the day. Tell him to do his own washing, and have his own bin.

You seem to care what everyone else does and what all their menfolk do. Quite a lot. You seem to make it your business and tell them that they don't understand things. Like you did to purple.

You really do not have a clue how self destructive your comments are for your cause and how much you get people's backs up do you?

You might have a good argument. But its completely and utterly lost in the way you deliver it and how you go in like a bull in a china shop.

You really COULD do a lot to win people over. Your passion is not at fault. But you will never ever manage that with the way you put your point over. By jumping in, in this way on everything thread on certain subjects regardless of how much it relates to the OP you completely destroy that.

Pinning labels everywhere does you no credit.

You would do well to learn WHY you are upsetting and annoying people so much and use it to your advantage.

Actually I really do not want to get sucked into this. I neither agree with the OPs or her DHs actions but I do not think it is as sever as some have made out. On both sides.

I really respect your views Nyac and fair play to you for sticking to you guns :). No point in bickering.

Do you know what? I think the OP is probably the best judge of her situation. Not you. She says he's expecting that stuff of her. Why doubt her?

You just said you know better than Purple in that post Nyac...

So, the OPs DH cooks every night, hoovers at the weekend, cleans his own clothes and put the bins out, and treats her like a maid? Really???

Unless the DH has OCD, and doesnt think the OP does his washing properly, i actually think its a bit crap that she can't bung his clothes in with everyone elses, in fact, surely that just makes more work - just chuck it in together FFS.

My DH does his fair share, but we don't have "jobs" sometimes i am a lazy bint and sometimes he can be a lazy arse, we are generally untidy.

Fact is, he is out at work all day so cannot physically be there to do more - its not like he walks in expecting his dinner on the table, he cooks and stuff. I personally would rather my DP do more stuff associated with childcare to give me a break in the evenins but everyone is different.

I think the division of labour in the OPs house is pretty fair.

Auschopper, I don't just hand everything over to DH when he comes home. What usually happens is that DH has a play with DS for a while and I go and fold some washing or do bits and bobs that I wasn't able to do during the day. We usually then all play in the sitting room for a bit before DS goes to bed. It varies who puts him to bed, and the other one starts the dinner (usually by defrosting the meat). DH then usually takes over the dinner if I've started it and I give the sitting room a quick tidy, we eat and I clear up.

Actually I'm finding your remarks about me quite upsetting YANS.

I stated an opinion about what the OP and put it into a wider context of sexism where men do take domestic advantage of women. I've got a right to my opinions. You haranguing me about them and telling me how I'm doing it wrong, I think is out of order.

youarenotsilly your DH buys you lingerie to wear for your GF? He aint daft is he

OP - it really sounds to me like you have the balance just right, i dont understand why you are complainin about the poor sap. So he didn't put the bin out, so what - there are farr more important things in life to fret about. You have a good man im sure you know that, so dont get riled by this thread to give him a hard time. Im sure he;ll put the bins out in the morning - i wouldnt go as far as putting the bins out yourself, let him as you have jobs in your house and thats his job. We dont have jobs and the bin gets put out when one of us can't get anything else in it

Horses for courses Goaway! As long as everyone is happy.

I stated an opinion about what the OP and put it into a wider context of sexism where men do take domestic advantage of women.

And I juxtapose this with the narrower context of just emptying the bluddy bin.

How do MN Feminists find the time to do anything given the number of miniscule points of principle they must fight with their beloveds every day?

Nyac I don't know if it makes you feel any better but I totally get what you're saying and I think you have a very good point.

I find it EXTREMELY offensive that you go round telling people they are wrong and that they are ignorant about certain things. You said that very clearly to purple. And I find that upsetting. We are not all victims.

There ARE victims but the OP ISN'T one of them. Thats my point. You are trying to make an issue where there isn't one. Make it an issue where there is a situation where the DH is treating the SAHW like shit if you want. Instead you are trying to make the OP DH into the Big Bad Wolf to prove your point. And thats grossly unfair as he does do a fair amount, and there are a hell of a lot of worse offender out there. There are fair better examples on MN.

No one is perfect. I almost get the feeling you want all men to live up to an unachievable standard here. I'm not sure what you want from the OP DH tbh.

Instead, we get a situation where you are essentially trying to highjack the thread and push your agenda. Thats not about the OP.

I said she didn't understand the division of labour between SAHMs and men who go out to paid work.

Are you seriously upset about that? In a discussion in AIBU? Where people feel free to be as bumptious as they like e.g. look at your posts.

I haven't used the word victim once.

muscles in (im a big girl, believe me i can separate a fight) Take your personal squabbles elsewhere ladies, its not helpful.

OP - you have a decent husband with some irritating foibles, cherish him.

There are men out there who are prize cunts, there are women out there who are prize cunts.

Its that simple.

"I'm not sure what you want from the OP DH"

Eh, he could put the bin out and stop treating her like the maid.

Easy peasy!

As for hijacking the thread, the people piling on to the thread telling the OP just to get on with serving her husband also appear to be suffering from a bit of agendaitis. I guess we've all got one.

nyac I totally get what you're saying as well.

I'm not having a personal squabble Bob. YANS seems to have quite the issue with me though.

Back to the thread. It is not unreaonsable to expect a man to do his fair share that's already been agreed round the house.

sometimes i get irritated if DP hasnt put the bin out, it tends to last until ive either a) taken it out myself or b)asked DP to take it out - he usually says "oh i meant to do that" i just counter it with "of course you did darling" It really doesn't get anymore head space that that. It doesn't make me think that DP disrespects me or takes it for granted in some ay - i jus thtink , its a crap job and he was hoping id do it, just as i was hoping he would but coudlnt balance anymore crap on top of the bin

Surely as the proud owner of a vagina and a sahm you should do every single job in the house as well as look after the baby,and isnt he marvelous to cook his own dinner as well as yours.What a man.

I AM OBVIOUSLY JOKING OP.

Of course it isn't but we are all guilty of putting off the shitty jobs sometimes, because none of us is perfect. I think this thread has allowed the whole thing to get out of proportion, however the OP seems pretty sensible (ive not read whole thread so not sure) so it wont escalate to her sulking for the whole weekend, and im sure she wouldnt be so petty as to really have "stern words" with her life partner who she loves, over something so trivial.

Cailin, Will you speak to DH in the morning? If you are really unhappy with the situation then something needs to be done.

Again can I suggest rather than having certain things that DH does you ask him to do things as they need done? Rather than the bin being "his" job, You do it when you can and he does it when he can.

I'd love it if he came straight in from the pub and put the bin out.