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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 23:01

Yes I am upset about the fact you put people done like that on a regular basis and no one pulls you up on it. Why? Because it devalues good arguments and points. It means that others don't want to get involved in a debate that they have a valid contribution to make. Because of your manner. I'm sorry if you don't like me saying it, but I'm actually trying to help you here. I would like debate to be a lot more constructive rather than a lecture. You need to start listening to others rather than doing all the talking over everyone else to engage them.

It makes a mockery of situations where there is a problem when you have a go on threads like this. It turns both men and women off feminist ideas. Nyac, you are very good at language so don't play that card with me. You well know how to play that game. You don't have to say a word to imply it.

This is a thread about a bin. And pointscoring. Its not a good case for the prosecution to say that division of labour is bad. There are a lot of people here who find it pretty acceptable and the DH isn't awful. Slack. Yes. Needing a kick up the arse. Yes. Deliberately treating the SAHM in a bad way? Nope.

If you want to kick people. Kick the right people. Not the wrong ones.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:02

Just to point out, as I said in the OP, this overflowing bins thing has been happening for about three weeks now. We have a fairly small kitchen bin, which is a pain, so it needs to be emptied every three days or so. If I emptied it when it needed to be emptied I'd have emptied it about 5 times by now, which is essentially just taking the job over.

I am very mindful of the fact that DH is a very good man and that I'm lucky to have him. That said, the fact that some people have partners who smack them around or cheat on them doesn't mean I have to put up with something that annoys me so much. I am delighted to be a SAHM, and I'm aware that I am lucky to be one, but again that doesn't mean I have to "pay" for that by becoming the only person in the house who ever actually does any cleaning. I became a SAHM to look after DS not to clean and tidy constantly. I don't want to have to go back to work just to get respite from bloody housework!

OP posts:
Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:03

I haven't kicked anybody. You however are spending a whole lot of words having a go at me. I'd ask you please to cut it out YANS.

The OP has already said that she's pissed off with the way he's treating her. I think that's a good starting point for looking at how things should be different for her. Like him putting the bins out when it's his job that they've agreed, or not leaving dirty dishes around for her to clear up after him.

runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 23:03

Oh ledkr - what are you talking about? yans is paid in lingerie by her dh, which her GF loves. She IS serious - she says. Why would you worry about doing all the housework when you have that set up?

I also hope GF doesn't mean grandfather, but I think yans was hoping to shock us tweedy Mnetters.

runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 23:04

Oh no, I have a sudden realisation I might recognise yans posting style.

runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 23:04

She didn't stay away for long Grin

youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 23:05

So for three weeks you haven't challenged him?

Try TALKING to him.

OMG. Honestly. This is a communication issue just as much as might happen to be a sexist one.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:07

That doesn't work Purple. I've tried it. It ends up with me doing 99% of the housework and with the further 1% being planned, directed and policed by me. DH used to have the job of cleaning the bathroom at the weekend instead of cooking. This was something he agreed to do and claimed to be happy with. The bathroom got a couple of quick wipes the first couple of weeks then slowly descended into a pit of filth. I spoke to him about it, it got wiped again and then the filth started once more. So now I do the bathroom. I will not take over the bin too.

I won't sulk by the way. I don't sulk. I start complaining, manage to get a few stern words out, he smiles at me, says he's sorry, I make the mistake of looking at him, I laugh, he laughs and we forget about it. I'm useless at being cross Grin

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 09/03/2012 23:10

I get what you;re saying, im certainly not saying that you should count yourself lucky because your DH is not a thug etc. Just that its not such a big deal is it? Irritating, ohhh yes - as i said sometimes i get the arse with DP because actually, he is pretty shit when it comes to housework - he does far less than your DH to be fair, that isnt becaue he takes me for granted, its just that he is a bit lazy like that, i can't say anything to him though, because so am i. Grin

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:11

YANS - we've been together 10 years, I've talked to him hundreds of times. He always makes a lame excuse, apologises, says he'll try harder, things improve briefly and then go back to the way they were. It's not the end of the world but it is bloody annoying. I've let it go for three weeks because I don't want to jump on him the minute he doesn't do something as that's not fair. I don't mind if he forgets now and again, that's fine, but not doing it for three weeks is pretty bad, no?

OP posts:
runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 23:15

Yes, cailin it's pretty bad. Our kitchen would be a health hazard if the bin wasn't emptied for 3 weeks. SO many excuses are made for men not doing housework - 'oh men can't see mess' etc, it does none of us any favours. I'm not sure what the answer is for you, but clearly 'do it yourself' is not it.

Harecare · 09/03/2012 23:15

Get a bigger bin.
Recycle more so it needs emptying less. Ours lasts a week easily.
It annoys you, so do something about it - tell him/give him a 3 day rota, or realise that since it's such a piddly little job and it annoys you and he doesn't even notice perhaps it's easier to do it yourself.
Do you enjoy being annoyed?

Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:17

You know those women who sometimes seem quite bitter and dissatisfied in their fifties and sixties, I always wonder if it's partly because they've realised they spent 30 or 40 years doing some guy's housework for him. I know it partly was for my grandmother.

Maryz · 09/03/2012 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:19

I'd love a bigger bin Harecare but there just isn't room for it. The current one lives under the sink as that's the only place it'll fit! We recycle tons, which is why there are at least 50 jars and bottles on the windowsill currently waiting for the day in the very distant future that DH will actually put them in the glass recycling bag...

I don't enjoy being annoyed and I don't enjoy housework. I don't think just taking over the job is a good option because then I will literally be doing all of the cleaning in the house bar hoovering on the weekend.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 09/03/2012 23:19

chippingin - I was also including the work the husband does outside of the home. Which also doesn't do itself.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:21

Well that's my worry Nyac. I really enjoy being a SAHM because I get to look after DS but I am actually seriously considering going back to work partly because I look into my future and all I see is endless cleaning.

OP posts:
pinkyp · 09/03/2012 23:22

Empty the bin yourself, I hate the way people do 'this is your job' therefore I will NOT do it but bitch a out it instead.... Why not help each other out? Ffs YABU

Goawaybob · 09/03/2012 23:22

Id love to recycle more Harecare - but not only does our council only take the bins once every two weeks, we are limited to the amount of recycling bags we are "allowed" and im not even joking Hmm That pisses me off immensely, it used to be that you could ask at local shops etc and the council would provide recycling bags, but now we are told we can't have them - so buy our own maybe? Errr no, they will only accept recyling in the councils own bags which we are given a limited amount of - i end up despairing and just chucking it all in the bin otherwise i would drown in a sea of cardboard

Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:23

Exaclty Cailin. It's not petty or trivial or whatever else people are trying to brush you off with here. It will grind you down and it might also create resentment in your relationship. Either that or you're supposed to stick on a plastic smile and pretend you don't mind and that you're lucky that you've got someone around to pick up after.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:23

Pinkyp read the thread or don't bother posting. Thanks.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 09/03/2012 23:24

heres an idea - get a cleaner Grin runs away

significantother · 09/03/2012 23:26

This looks like a case of his work is undervalued and if the OP doesn't box clever he'll be up on his heels.
Just take the bins out.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:26

Haha Goaway, if only.

OP posts:
SirGinTheUnreasonable · 09/03/2012 23:26

Is he back from the pub yet ?

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