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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
SecondRow · 09/03/2012 22:04

Soooo he was in fact walking out the door every day this week - past the bins? I think you - no sorry, he, shouldn't have let things fester this long. Do you normally give him lots of sympathy when he's sick? Does he somehow interpret this as meaning normal rules are suspended because he's feeling a bit meh?

I think I would try to broach it lightheartedly tomorrow even though I would definitely be annoyed as you are, Cailin. Like "You chancer, if I'd known every morning during the week that you were well enough for pub trips I wouldn't have held back on reminding you about your chores out of sympathy! I'll know for next time" (but in an I've-got-your-number-boyo way rather than snidey...) Would that work at all?

DefiniteMiss · 09/03/2012 22:06

'I'm bothered by men who think it's women's job to pick up after them and act in such an entitled way towards the women they live with'

Why? You don't have to live with them.

If I didn't pick up after him I'd be sitting on my arse all day long watching CBeebies and eating Jammy Dodgers.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 22:07

Oh god they're all over Mumsnet. You should just read the threads about them.

I don't think you understand the division of labour Purple. Women who stay at home generally do so to look after children. That's the job.

Men who go out to work in that scenario are supporting the family, not women.

The men who manage to tack on total domestic servitude from their wives on to that are domestically exploiting them. You'll also find that there are plenty of women who also go out to work but are still stuck with the "second shift" (sociologists have even named it) when they get home from work, because our sexist society and sexist men in it see it as women's work.

Your personal experience is pretty much neither here nor there. Overally women do more domestic work and childcare by a long chalk.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 22:09

I'm interested in sexism as it acts as whole on society DM. It blights women's lives. I'm glad it doesn't blight yours however. But still there's no excuse for men treating women as their unpaid domestic servants.

Fanty · 09/03/2012 22:12

To be honest....as another SAHM, Id never expect my husband to come home from work and do much more than pick his knickers off the floor once in a while and make me the odd cuppa.

OnlyWantsOne · 09/03/2012 22:13

Yes, what Fanty said. And I work two days a week. Tbh we are a team. We don't bitxh about bins or nappies etc. We knuckle down and get on with it. We aren't 13 Hmm

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 22:14

Please don't patronize me you have no idea of my knowledge on sexism. Your posts really do not apply here as the OPs DH clearly doesn't view her as his unpaid domestic servant.

youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 22:14

I get "paid" by my DH very well thanks. In lingerie.
My GF loves it too.

Would you like to chew on that one Nyac?

(yes I AM serious)

pamplemousse · 09/03/2012 22:15

Lucky for you you have a husband! Mine didn't empty the bins and fucked off, so I still empty the bins (and hoover, cook, tidy up, wash everyones clothes, work, study etc)
Get over it!

Chubfuddler · 09/03/2012 22:16

Gina ford?

The solar flare is having a serious effect on mn.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 09/03/2012 22:18

What about women who stay at home, who's kids are at school NYAC ?

Is it sexist for them to do the bulk of house hold chores if they choose to remain at home ?

youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 22:20

The solar storm is abating now Chubfuddler. The flare hit mostly this morning.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 22:21

I completely forgot about the solar flare Chub. That and the full moon yesterday... Explains a lot.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 22:23

Chew on what? Who cares what you do YANS?

"OPs DH clearly doesn't view her as his unpaid domestic servant."

Ahem:

"I feel like a maid at times, especially when DH does stupid little things like leaving a full bowl of cereal on the counter expecting me to empty the bloody thing and put it in the dishwasher"

It looks like that might be exactly how he views her.

OnlyWantsOne · 09/03/2012 22:23

I love a thread like this. Proper airs everything out. Like a good thunderstorm.

Jnice · 09/03/2012 22:24

I'm with you OP, yanbu. Bins/compost/recycling is one of my dh's jobs - I do all the laundry (3 kids -not a good deal as includes cloth nappies). Yet he waits until the smell is unbearable and stuff is falling out of the cupboard Angry

I don't do it for him unless he is away.

DefiniteMiss · 09/03/2012 22:25

Yeah, but just because there are threads 'all over MN' doesn't means it's representative of men the length and breadth of the UK.

Domestic servitude! Ha! Just told DH that he's got to do 50% of the housework. He said that was fine if we both go part time. Equality and all that.

Seriously though, he'll wash up sometimes. I don't know, just because he pays for the rent, food, gas, electric, water, clothes, dental plan, direct debits, catalogue purchases, petrol/car maintenance, vets fee's, dinner money, nursery costs, replaces white goods, bedding/furniture upgrades, days out, restaurant meals, birthday/Xmas presents, private health care, my frivolous impulse buys..in fact, everything... he expects to come home to a semi clean house, children that haven't half killed each other and a bit of dinner. Entitled bastard.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 22:26

Actually no, That is how OP feels at times not how her DH views her. Have you ever left a dish on the counter? Doesn't mean you expect anything from anyone else.

Jnice · 09/03/2012 22:26

pample -ate you seriously suggesting that OP is lucky to have a husband and therefore should be a domestic slave? Holy shit! What century is this again? Confused

Nyac · 09/03/2012 22:28

Do you know what? I think the OP is probably the best judge of her situation. Not you. She says he's expecting that stuff of her. Why doubt her?

auschopper · 09/03/2012 22:29

I do love it sometimes how bits of information are left out. If this poor bloke was going to the pub every day, then fair enough. I bet that if you wanted to go out he would probably say, yeah, no problems, I will look after the kids..

What I don't understand is some SAHM seem to think that, well, as soon as the DH comes home, their job is finished and they don't have to do anything. I do say some... but the way I look at it, is that the DH goes to work to bring in money, which the family needs to survive.. but it seems that although whether or not he enjoys his job, etc, he still has to work, just like the SAHM.

What would be wrong with the SAHM cooking dinner while the DH spent time with the child? The reason I say this, is that you say that looking after the child is a full time job, which I agree it is, however, DH has just come in from a job too, one which pays for the things you have and puts food on the table. Do I think DH should just put his feet up, NO... but to be honest, the job sharing starts when he gets home, and it also means that you don't not get to do anything either just because you are the SAHM.

The rants on here are quiet concerning, and to be honest, pretty glad that some of them aren't my partner. I mean, really, how hard is it to notice a bin that needs empting and just doing it. As you say, it doesn't take much, so what is the real issue.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 22:30

"how hard is it to notice a bin that needs empting and just doing it"

If it's that easy why hasn't he done it?

pamplemousse · 09/03/2012 22:32

Jnice, er no.

Shushshessleeping · 09/03/2012 22:33

My DH is another one who doesn't see housework at all. Such a lovely, generous, kind man but just doesn't see housework. Because of this we have our jobs. I do most of them as I'm currently on maternity leave but go back next month. We've bought a whiteboard for the kitchen and have said that we'll divvy up chores the night before and do them. My DH doesn't get home until 7 every night but when I go back I'll be working odd shifts including evenings until 10. I would just do the bins to be honest but tell him I did them and he owes me another chore, like him doing the washing up all day tomorrow.

My DH also rings and asks me if he can go to the pub, just as I'd call him and ask him. It's respect.

Truckulentagain · 09/03/2012 22:33

I'd like to hear his side of the story.