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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
Normologist · 09/03/2012 21:23

The chap who wrote "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff)" says that if your partner doesn't take out the bins (or equivilent) you should do it and be pleased that you have saved your loved one a job.

WHilst that is a nauseating sentiment and certainly doesn't fit with a generally unequal relationship I have found myself thinking it on many occasions. In our house it also DH's "job" to put out bins and recycling the evening before bin day. Despite this I sometimes do it, before he gets home from work, because it's no big deal, I know he'll be tired on his return and it's nice to be able to save him a job.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:25

Do you think the DSTSS author has arguments with his wife about the bins. Funny how that's the job that he zoomed in on - the domestic chore that men stereotypically do.

What does your dh do for you to save you work Norm?

Truckulentagain · 09/03/2012 21:25

OJ. Fair enough, personally I wouldn't know a carburetor from a ... Something else in a car.

Bue · 09/03/2012 21:26

OP, this is exactly the sort of thing that hacks me off, too. In fact when I walked in the door this evening I immediately texted DH about the fact that he had left the bedroom in a state again (the agreement is that the last person out of bed makes it and tidies up a bit). Amazingly, he seems to have much more difficulty following this agreement than I do!

OriginalJamie · 09/03/2012 21:26

Yes, sorry - generalisation. He is very engineering-minded

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:27

Yeah, it's an overall generalisation purple. Clearly there are individual exceptions. I'm talking as men as a group. Men as a group do far less childcare and domestic chores than women - that's down to sexism and inequality.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 21:29

Worra, I can't really go into too much detail about DH's job as it would identify him. It's in research and involves a lot of meetings, workshops, research (obv) and report writing.

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 09/03/2012 21:31

Having said all that, while he was ill I would have put the bins out. Ill is different to forgetful or lazy. But he's better now...Grin

DH once drove 100 miles home from work to cook me a meal and then drove back again (he works away all week and he couldn't do it now because we are 250 miles apart now) because I had cut off part of my thumb earlier in the day and was feeling too dazed and dizzy from pain and medication to be any use to myself. He wanted to make sure I had something to eat and everything I needed, plus he organised a neighbour to drive me to the doctors the next day to have the dressings changed.

I remind myself of that every time he leaves a wet towel on the bed instead of putting it in the basket and I find myself feeling a bit stabby (justified - it's always on my side of the bed so I have the damp bit, but mostly he is forgiven because of the thumb Grin).

Give and take only works in the long-term when you know where you stand with each other and everything balances out evenly in the end.

DefiniteMiss · 09/03/2012 21:32

I wouldn't get all steamed up over a bin. Those petty squabbles over who does what are part of life's rich tapestry. I find housework beneath me, right now in fact, piles of washing. I intend to step over it until tomorrow.

DefiniteMiss · 09/03/2012 21:34

'that's down to sexism and inequality.'

Or maybe they're at work, to pay the bills.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 21:35

That's lovely NOGTEYE :).

youarenotsilly · 09/03/2012 21:36

The reason why men don't do housework is because they think it's beneath them. The reason why they leave it to women is because they think women are beneath them.

groans
Here we go.
Its the ideological time.
Forget the topic. Get ready for the sermon about how we are all victims of the parochial conspiracy and propaganda.
Get ready for sweeping generalisations and intellectualisations. Time to be patronised.
Men do this, that and the other. Because they are ALL misogynists.
rolls eyes

And you want to be taken seriously and respected as a view point? And you come out with that gem?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 09/03/2012 21:39

Purple - It is, isn't it? Smile

justanuthermanicmumsday · 09/03/2012 21:40

i dont think ur being petty he does jack compared to all the household chores u are doing. be a bitch hes not ill if hes out socialising. so what if hes ill? when i am ill the house still has to function my kids stil have to eat. still have to look after his mum. im sure its the same with u and most women here. i hadthe flu and i rarely get ill did my husband give a tuppance no i had to drag my daughter to school. could barely walk. when hes ill its all service with a bell, bedside attendance.

be stubborn leave the bins, he knows u will do it so hez tturned a blind eye to it.

verytellytubby · 09/03/2012 21:41

You sound very petty.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:43

I don't really care if you respect me or not YANS. In fact I care about this much: . (you know, not at all). You saying that about me isn't actually an argument.

I deal in facts. Do men (as a group) do their fair share of domestic work and childcare? Do they hell. Are women still expected to pick up after them? Oh yes they are. See even this thread for examples. Is men domestically exploiting women rooted in sexism and inequality? Yes it is.

HTH.

DefiniteMiss · 09/03/2012 21:47

Why are you so bothered if I pick up after my DH? I'm not especially bothered.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:49

Who is bothered if you pick up after your DH DM?

Birdsgottafly · 09/03/2012 21:49

I am a single mum of two, i had three when i was a carer for my DH, who then died.

I would like to know why i, with less strength and more hormones than a man, can go to work, run my house, look after my children's needs and not have to employ anyone to empty my bins, ffs.

The OP is spoilt!, you are having a laugh Confused

The problem is that most men think that going to work equals all that they have to do in life, where as women tend to realise that there is still toilets that need cleaning.

Skimty · 09/03/2012 21:52

mmmm

I think sometimes it's about the space you spend most of your time in physically and mentally. I'm willing to bet that the OPs DH didn't even think about the bins becaused he hasn't been staring at them all day. I completely see that the mental preoccupation with housework is exhausting and you hate nagging but ultimately one of the main differences between a SAHP and a WOHP is that the SAHPs are actually often in the space where the job has to be done and also you only have one mental sphere to concentrate on. I think some people find it harder to switch from one mental sphere to the other. So, sometimes the SAHP might need to remind and nudge the WOHP into the home sphere. The difference between the two is that the SAHP never needs to enter the WOHP's sphere. In an ideal world we would all be abke to switch and be perfectly thoughtful.

DefiniteMiss · 09/03/2012 21:53

Well you seem to be Nyac. If I'm picking up after my DH, then obviously, he's not 'doing his fair share', and as he is one of the 'men (as a group), you seem very bothered by that TBH.

Truckulentagain · 09/03/2012 21:55

I agree with Joan Rivers about housework.

'I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.'

Nyac · 09/03/2012 21:58

I'm bothered by men who think it's women's job to pick up after them and act in such an entitled way towards the women they live with. If he picked up after himself you wouldn't be able to do it for him, would you?

But I don't care what you do. Whatever floats your boat.

Whatmeworry · 09/03/2012 22:01

He also has washing to put away - I sorted, washed and dried it. I have explained that if he does not put it away by tomorrow morning I will divorce him. And leave him with custody of DS. He's going to do it now when I go to the supermarket. Oh, he has 3 badly bruised toes that might be broken. But he still has responsibilities, same as me.

Sometimes I just shake my head....

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 22:03

Are you bothered by women who expect men to go out and work for them?

This is obviously not the case, It just an example of how odd your last post was. I very much doubt that most men think like that. I've never met any, That's not to say they don't exist just as there are some women out there who are happy to take advantage of men.