to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

Why are you getting so upset that people have a different view to you Nyac?

You seem to have a very poor world view of men, even to the point where you say you'd dump Cailin's husband if you were her. How insulting for the OP that you think her husband is worthy of dumping over this, I'm sure she's thrilled that you have such a low opinion of what sounds like an essentially good man.

Can i just ask why you dont do his laundry - if i had your arrangement i would be washing the clothes, because lets fact it, its just as easy to chuck his in with yours, then giving him a different job to do.

Ive changed my mind since yesterday, he needs a kick up the arse.

To put a bit of balance on things, the housework thing is very very annoying, but it really is DH's only bad trait. Other than that he is unfailingly kind, loving, funny and caring and he is a great dad. I wish I could let the housework thing go, that's part of the reason I posted in the first place, but after trying to for 10 years I really can't. I don't expect the house to be a showhome but clutter and mess really get on my nerves and drag me down a lot, and I don't think it's too much to expect for the place to be just passably tidy and clean. It's really is very easy for two adults who have their brains switched on to do that, but when one adult is doing all of it all the time it just isn't fair IMO.

fucking ada! Someone has not suggested the OP dump her husband?

He needs a kick up the arse - not a divorce

I'm not upset dm. Where do you get that?

Maybe you're confusing me with YANS who went off on a whole lot of diatribes including calling me dangerously predatory and manipulative just becasue she didn't like what I was saying.

Do you do anything that annoys him?

Goawaybob - I'm not going into the laundry thing, sorry. I regret even mentioning it!

runningforthebusinheels - Nope no problem at all... if you have the money, why not... :)

I was just asking because it seems a bit odd, like i said, it a piss easy job - take that one off him and make him clean the bathroom instead. Saying that, i quite LIKE cleaning the bathroom, but i am weird.

Huns again, i bet she does, but the housework thing needs addressing, he does a bit, but its not equal, no one is suggesting 50:50 (i dont think) but it would be nice if the OP didnt feel like she was constantly clearing behind people

How sad that you have these sorts of demarcations in your lives.
I assume (on your principal) that your child would have been left in nappies for two days (if you were ill) and he was the carer.
The one thing that I have learned about relationships in my time,
It's rarely tit for tat.
I envy you these small things to argue about. 20 years on.
We still argue about the bins; but also about putting the MIL in a care home.

Nobody has said she should dump her husband. I said I'd dump a husband if I had one like this. I don't assume that Cailin has the same priorities as me. I was only saying it because there were a whole lot of people lining up to tell her she should be grateful and suck it up.

Mind you Pink Pussycat has said that lack of housework was cited on her divorce petition.

The point we're making is that it's not a trivial issue for some women, even if others are desperate to claim it doesn't matter.

(Just to put this in further context, men have designed and run the workplace so they supposedly have to work these looooooong, looooong hours which conveniently keep them away from home and housework, and also means that women with children and other commitments, find it very difficult to fit in to jobs like that so they are effectively excluded. Creating a massive army of unpaid female workers ready and waiting (and willing in some cases) to pick up after men.)

Nyac - really?? That's crazy then - I must be the stupidest person on the planet, because I'm a woman who works long hours for my largely female team, and it's very likely my DH will be at home looking after our child (when it's born), then dashing out to meet his clients in the evening.

Some posters have tried to claim that what DH does is 50% of the housework. If that's the case, I dread to see what their houses are like!

DH used to have the job of cleaning the bathroom Goawaybob, but he never did it.

bettybat 'I just ask my husband to help. It's not rocket science'

It was in our house. If I asked mine to help he would *agree^ to do it and then not do it, or would agree to do it later with me, as he was currently busy. I would then wait for him to say 'right, we can change the bed now' (or whatever) - but he didn't, and if I asked again (say the next day) he would be currently busy again! In latter years a request for help was often met with a flat refusal. He was a real prize and I hope a rarity among men.

Who owns your workplace betty. Working in a female team doesn't mean your workplace isn't male dominated or male designed.

Who sits at the top of the hierarchy, who do they report to? In your industry or sector who holds most of the senior positions.

FeckArse - if I was ill, DH would change DS's nappy but chances are I would have to remind him more than once.

We have a clear demarcation, as I said, because if we didn't then I would do absolutely everything and I absolutely refuse to get into that situation.

We have recently been involved in the decision to put DH's grandmother into a care home as she has just been diagnosed with dementia. Just because we have "small" worries doesn't mean we don't have big ones too.

Who owns it? A whole bunch of stakeholders, including women. A large mix across the board of men and women. You think men sat around at the beginning of time and actually, consciously decided to engineer working life this way in order to completely fuck with women?

But it still doesn't work out because when the time comes, these men that engineered my working life this way will be screwing my husband because it means he has to alter and fit his business around my working hours.

Their conscious planning didn't work out to well for the patriarchy there, did it?

" Maybe he just doesn't care about cleaning up immediately? "

That's just code for "it's not my job. You do it."

As DH and I prepared lunch for the DDs after a morning of reorganising the living room, I mentioned to him that there were women on MN with husbands who wouldn't even bring their own dishes to the sink, never mind wash them.

His reply: "why would anybody put up with being treated like that?"

The utter disrespect of leaving your mess around for other people to eitheoutput up with or deal with is appalling.

I'm the person who doesn't care about mess in our house, but I would never be so arrogant and thoughtless as to inflict my filth on DH in that way and just expect him to be OK with it.

Not upset? You just said that you'd dump the OP's husband if you were her!

You have also gone on and on about entitled sexist men (your opinion) many, many times. You have called women who chose to do the majority of the housework Stepford wives.

You really don't seem to have a clue about your average loving relationships. Not a clue. Do you really think that the vast majority of people can be bothered to pick over the minutiae of their relationships to the degree that you seem to want us to? If DH/DW's spent every waking hour divvying up chores, talking about fairness, making sure everything was exactly equal...oh God, what a joyless way to spend your life.

Fuck the housework, do the barest minimum. Enjoy the kids, enjoy your family.

ThePink, DH went through a phase where he would see me doing the washing up or something and would say "Oh leave that, I'll do that in a minute," so I would smile, leave it and it would all still be there waiting to be done the next day. I told him in no uncertain terms that had to STOP. If he was offering to do a job, then he would have to do it either right away or very soon after. Offering to do it then not doing it at all was incredibly annoying - basically he would stop me from doing it when I had time then I would have to fit it in later when I didn't have time

You seem to be arguing that exceptions disprove the rule, betty. Why, I"m not really sure.

What's a stakeholder when it's at home? Do you mean shareholder, or is it a cooperative? Or is it another type of organisation? You haven't answered who is at the top of your organisation. I'm sure if it's an equally gendered split or if women dominated you'd have said.

Things seem to be working out pretty well for the patriarchy here if not there, it's got you working to deny it's influence and power.

'I said I'd dump a husband if I had one like this'.

That is the same thing. You think the OP's DH is worth dumping, when she has pointed out that aside from a few issues, she is happy. If I had written the OP I would be gutted that you had such a low opinion of the man I loved.

OP, YANBU. I'm quite astounded that anyone would think you are being unreasonable. You are sharing the tasks only to the extent that he allows them to be shared. That's not very teamworky.

Bob - did you read Cailin say that they'd already tried the bathroom thing? That didn't work and he agreed to do the bins. That's not worked either. I'd at least have a bit of begrudging respect for honesty if he just came out and said "This all your job, mine is to earn money". That would give Cailin something to work with instead of half-hearted promises that he has no intention of keeping.

I'm sure he's lovely in lots of respects, Cailin. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

A brilliant dad doesn't need reminding to change his son's nappy.

Kindness is shown in how you care for someone, which in the case of a domestic partnership like marriage necessarily involves not being a selfish messy wanker who never does any cleaning.

"Not upset? You just said that you'd dump the OP's husband if you were her!"

Um, why is that a sign of being upset? I'm not following. Maybe it's you who is upset that I've said that's a boundary I have.

"You have called women who chose to do the majority of the housework Stepford wives."

No I didn't. I characterised the advice the OP was being offered as Stepford-like. Anway the film is there to watch. If it rings bells that's not my fault.

See I'd say spending decades clearing up after a man was a joyless way to spend your life. It's just a different set of priorities.