to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

YABU but ONLY because I am on mat leave and due to go back to work and I am dreading it so am totally jealous that you can SAH

So my opinion is that YABU but as I say only because atm I am doing all of the housework and kiddie stuff while DP works. He cooks from time to time and does pull his weight generally. I see that because he is the only one getting the shitty end of the stick for now then I cant really complain that I have to do the majority of the housework (and I really dont mind tbh).

Anyway, my view is totally jaded, but tbh it sounds to me like he does his fair share considering you do not have a job outside of the home to go to aswell.

Hellboy, DH has always told me going out to work is a lot easier than SAH. I'm jealous you can afford to work.

Out of interest hellboy, will things change housework-wise when you go back to work?

I am very aware that I am lucky to be a SAHM, it must be really shitty if you want to do it but can't. For that reason I feel a bit crap about wanting to go back to work. The big problem is, if I do go back to work I strongly suspect I'll end up doing just as much housework as I'm doing now, plus a fulltime job.

Wow, it would be awesome if I could pick and choose what jobs I do at work. I know that there are some that I don't like doing, but unfortunately I have to do them.

I think you are very lucky to be a SAHP..... I use parent, because I wonder if it would be the same if the other partner was at home and you went back to work, as at the moment, it seems that everyone is hiding behind the fact that most men think that it is women's work to look after the house, when in fact it is just a parent looking after a child, and one child at that, and while I don't think that the entire housework is one parent's responsibility, but maintaining a clean house I see as part of providing a safe and clean environment for the child.

I do think that on here most people seem to be under the impression that men are useless, and what I do hear a lot of is that what jobs are done are not up to your standard. Perhaps not, but at least I would say most probably that at least he gave it ago, and I doubt that he probably went in with the intention of doing such a crap job, that he wouldn't be asked to do it again. What would happen if the standards were to drop slightly, then would it be ok?

You wouldn't tell your boss to drop their standards if you did a shit job at work and they weren't happy about it. You'd have to pull your socks up.

auschopper - I don't 'send my dh out to work so I can stay at home.' I'd find your suggestion, and your choice of language pretty offensive actually, if it wasn't so laughable. My dh is one of those very lucky people who adores what he does, is brilliant at it and gets paid well for doing it. I'll be sure to pass on your concern about him being 'sent out to work' though, he likes a good laugh.

Kal - Ive done both and for me I can honestly say hand on heart, even now with a threenager toddler DS and a baby that SAH is a million times easier than working. Its not for some people though I do recognise that, of course. id give anything to be able to SAH all the time.

Callin - oh hell yes . We go back to sharing the housework. Only things he cant do really is work the washing machine (mental block with technology) and hoovering, because he is shit with the hose thing and it drives me nuts.

Dont feel shitty about wanting to go back to work though just because there are some people like me who would love to be able to SAH. I used to love working and couldnt bear the thought of being at home all the time, things / people change though and as I said above being a SAHM isnt for everyone

Parenthood isn't a job though, is it? It's a choice.

If I worked full time and DH (as a SAHD) insisted that I did the fair share of the housework on top of that, I would be insisting that he got a full time job too. Then we would have equality.

As I was just cleaning the kitchen, I was thinking about this thread. And yes, me cleaning the kitchen. Partly because I'm on my day off and DH is on his 6th working day of this week and partly because TBH, DH doesn't care much about cleaning beyond a certain level of cleanliness. That said, the other day he got the steam cleaner out in a sudden fit of spring cleaning and cleaned all the grot off the cabinets. But generally he's way too busy plotting his business, having fun with me, planning fun things for us to do and generally being a seriously lovely person to be around to be spending all his time cleaning. After several years, I decided if I couldn't beat him, I'd join him!

The comparison to work and bosses is so disingenuous because the relationship is just not the same, the expectations are just not the same! Telling OP to drop her standards and her expectations of him is just not a comparable exercise.

Honestly OP - life is way too short to be getting yourself into such a massive stress about these things. If you know what the likely outcome is of a given situation, and it's not a deal breaker, why are you allowing yourself to get so upset over it? I had this huge row with DH once, about expectations and how he views me, and I came out with ALL of the arguments in this thread and after several hours of bitter arguing, and in the midst of battle fatigue, it finally dawned on me that's not that my DH has expectations that I'll pick up after him. He'd rather I didn't - it's just he doesn't care about a plate left out for 24 hours. It's my issue if I decide to pick it up and get upset about it. It's my issue about it being cleaned up straight away. And you know what? Now I just couldn't give a toss. Who effing cares? Not me.

I would much rather leave a plate out and not stress and fret over who is going to clean it up, mess around and have fun with my DH and just not care about these things anymore. I am not saying live in a slovenly pit. But I am saying - if you know the outcome of living your life together your way, adjust your parameters of what you're relaxed with.

DH has done both too. He'd rather be at work 24/7! Me too but We cant earn enough to pay for childcare.
But I always insisted dh did 50% of childcare/house stuff when he was home. He still does. Or he would be out on his ear.

Anyone who thinks I have high standards should come and have a look at my bedroom. The duvet is piled in a heap in the middle of the bed, and the sheets need to be changed. There is a basket of clean washing waiting to be sorted out and heaps of underwear and pyjamas on the floor from where I started sorting out the underwear/pyjamas drawer yesterday and got sidetracked by DS. There is a bag of old paperwork on the floor waiting to be filed and DH's side of the bed is piled high with clean clothes. I don't like the bedroom being in this state, it gets me down, but I either have to live with it or spend these few hours I have to myself tidying it up. I try to do it during the week but DS inevitably tries to "help," which makes it worse or gets bored and starts crying at the door to go somewhere else. DH would never ever tidy the room.

This is one of those threads that makes me appreciate my dh all the more. Women are seriously being told on this thread to put up with this sort behaviour and think themselves lucky they can be sahms? What nonsense.

Parenting is an equal partnership and however you decide to divide the childcare/housework, each parent needs to pull their weight. The op's dh isn't - in that he agreed to do the bins, but welched and went down the pub. Whether the rest of MN thinks op IBU to ask him to do the bins in the first place is irrelevant, the OP's dh did agree.

I've been mulling over getting a cleaner for ages actually, and this thread has made my mind up that I will. Spend more time with the dc. Or on MN Any objections auschopper?

Also, DS is asleep so DH is downstairs reading a book, which is fine, except the kitchen is in a mess after lunch. I am always always always the one who has to clean the kitchen, no matter what.

I think the answer is to move to Stepford. I hear they have a plan for sorting out dissatisfied women there. Then you can praise your husband to the skies and tell everybody how happy you are doing all the housework. Problem solved.

Someone asked me about free time. I would say we have about equal, but that's only because I let a lot of mess go. If I kept the house up to the standard I would like (ie no piles of stuff left around the dining room, bedroom tidy etc) then I would never get any free time. As it is, I let things go, a lot, but it bothers me, a lot. If I didn't let things go then the situation would be that I would be either looking after DS or tidying while DH looks after DS for the entire weekend.

How old is DS? Can he go and play in his room? My DS likes to help me so I keep a cloth bag of 'spare' socks and ask him to pair and ball them up for me in the corner of the room out of the way, or I get him to organise the dirty washing for me into piles, it keeps him occupied for alot longer than it does to tidy up what little mess he makes.

Failing that do you have a TV in your room so you can stick Cbeebies on for half an hour?

A whole lot of people are telling you you should be grateful and let this stuff go and get on and do his work instead of yours, but from my point of view if I had a husband like yours I'd dump him Cailin.

Not saying you should do that by any means, but thought there was no harm in showing that other perspective. I think it's outrageous that he's sitting down whilst you're still doing the work. Him never ever tidying the bedroom is also outrageous. He's not behaving as if you're a team in the slightest.

I've just asked DH if there were any sprouts in the fridge, he replied 'Why don't you look?'. I said 'Do you know if there are any sprouts in the fridge?', he said 'Yes', I said 'Well can you TELL me then?'. He said 'No. Why can't you look yourself. Why am I always the fridge monitor?'

100% true. I have just actually had this conversation. Maybe he's been reading this thread. I think I'm going to leave the bastard.

OP you should see my house! Pretty much the same! But I have a very stressful job, and DH works about 7am-10pm, 6 days a week seeing his clients. I've just learnt to care less about it all.

The bedroom is a never-ending cycle of picking up clothes, emptying wash basket, putting clothes away. It looks like a teenager's bedroom, clothes on the floor, cups on the side, and I can't actually remember the last time we changed the sheet - maybe a couple of weeks? But you know what - most of the mess is me, when I try stuff on of a morning, discard that dress, change that bra etc. When I get bored of doing or can't be bothered or just generally don't want to do it myself, it I just ask my DH to help. It's not rocket science.

I get where you're coming from - that it defaults to you but I would not automatically assume it's because of his expectations of you. Maybe he just doesn't care about cleaning up immediately?

Maybe you think I am completely wrong - to suggest you just not care as much. But it's worked for me. I am not longer an uptight, wound-up, tense whirlwind of resentment, wondering why these things don't occur to him. They don't because it's not important to him. Since I made them less important, I'm less resentful about asking for help, less tense, more happy, more relaxed.

I hope none of the recent comments re: Stepford and being lucky to be a SAHM are aimed at me? If so i did say that for me I have no problem with doing most of the housework as being a SAHM is a breeze compared to my work. Im also happy that while Im not working that I do most of the housework because IMO DP has the shitty bit but as I said I do understand that not everyone feels that way.

When I go back to work (boooooo) its going to be a totally different story, trust me

DS is 14 months and will amuse himself for brief periods but can't really be left on his own as he's in a climbing phase at the moment and tends to think he's Edmund Hillary! I would never leave him in a room on his own for longer than five minutes. I don't have a tv in my room, but anyway he doesn't really like tv - he'll watch it for maybe 5 minutes then get bored. When I said he's "active" I didn't mean it lightly! Once he's on his feet in the morning the only time he stops moving is when he sits down to eat or when he sleeps. Even if he's watching tv he'll walk around and around the footstool.

for the latter part of our marriage, ex did his own laundry. Before this I used to do everyone's, and I would leave his in a neat folded pile in the bedroom for him to put away, so he knew where his stuff was. At first, I would remind him it was there, and after two reminders would put it away for him. Eventually I just stopped doing his laundry and told him he'd have to do it himself. Shortly after this, DC (who were teenagers) were taught how to do their laundry themselves, too.

This stuff is not always trivial, it can form part of a pattern. His lack of work round the house was just one of the unreasonable behaviours I cited on the divorce petition.

Ahhh yes, I couldnt have left DS in his room at that age, hed have eaten his teddies or something.

What about a playpen with alod of fun stuff chucked into it? I had a fairly big travel cot type one that I used to cart upstairs if I needed to do something up there. Sometimes he'd object but as my wise old Nan used to say....."tough"

He sounds so cute.

(Just to put this in further context, men have designed and run the workplace so they supposedly have to work these looooooong, looooong hours which conveniently keep them away from home and housework, and also means that women with children and other commitments, find it very difficult to fit in to jobs like that so they are effectively excluded. Creating a massive army of unpaid female workers ready and waiting (and willing in some cases) to pick up after men.)

Sweet lord, what have I stumbled in to! Read half way through, gave up and skipped to the end. And it's still all about the bloody bins. Just empty the damn things, in the big scheme of things is it really that big a deal. I wish I had your life if all there is to worry about is an over-flowing bin!