to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

I haven't read the whole thread as so long, but the first thought that struck me was "Why have a child if it renders you so useless?" But that is probably a bit harsh, even I can see that!

Communication is the key to a successful relationship so don't bottle things up so they become out of proportion to the actual issue, or an excuse for a bigger issue (if that makes sense). The problem probably isn't the bins, but that you are feeling isolated being at home. Have you thought about working too, so that the you are getting out and about and having less than the housework to worry about? Or joining some groups? Or make some time to go out when your DH is home.

And the way to do that is for fathers to do their fair share. Mothers get the blame but it's fathers who are demonstrating the masculine role of doing next to nothing around the house while a woman serves them. That's the other issue about housework, because it's seen as "women's" work, some sexist men feel like it's an attack on their masculinity to have do it. Which is why single men will sometimes live in shit tips rather than lifting one finger to tidy up. They're scared their penis may drop off.

Actually whatme worry Id not really describe myself as a feminist in the true mn understasnding of the title.

What i am is a female human who is entitled to occupy my little space on the planet whilst achieving the same enjoyment from life as a male human being.

Just because i am female does not make me more responsible for the mundane tasks of life whether i work or not.

If women wish to do the majority of the household tasks themselves and mother their partners then so be it.

But do not belittle and be scornfull to those of us who are lucky enough to be in relationships with self confident and caring men who respect and love us enough to not want us to be slaving away maintaining our home whilst they claim to be far too tired from their important jobs.

How about men do their fair share? Or is that just unthinkable?

In the specific case of this thread, I think the DH is doing his fair share and the OP is on a make-work crusade. No one needs to Hoover and clean a house 4x a week, not in 1952, and not in 2012.

IMO there are women today who are in far, far worse positions, and I think fair minded people can see that.

And I think by not being able to see that, the MN Feminists here are making themselves look silly.

For what it's worth, I hate putting the bins out too, but if I am home and my husband is at work I will do it, and vice versa. Not so with laundry though

I think it's the people who are defending this guy's right not to put the bin out but get his wife to do it instead who are making themselves look silly WMW. It's good to be able to make useful observations like that isn't it?

Women being in worse positions isn't an argument for men to be able to get out of their fair share of housework. This guy isn't doing what he agreed to do, his wife resents it, and the problem is with him, not her.

I think feminism, not communication, is actually the key to a decent heterosexual relationship anyway.

Awaits cries of emasculation, hairy-legged proto-lesbianism, Lack of Lurve and so forth...

motherinferior

Agree with Whatmeworry wholeheartedly. ^^^

Oh and I suspect that the DH in question has quite a different viewpoint on the whole issue. Still, let's carry on with the men bashing regardless.

If you don't split the chores, it seems they all fall on the woman by default Rhino. That's the problem.

The bit I don't get is why so many women aren't bothered about the majority of housework falling on women's shoulders. Was that really an ambition for them in life, to pick up after some man, or do they just see it as appropriate for other women. I see men as adults who can do their fair share. I see women as equal human beings who aren't there as domestic robots.

Putting out the bins when it's his job, would be a waste of Cailin's time and energy, but for some people that doesn't even factor. Women's time just doesn't count.

He's put the bins out now anyway.

"IMO there are women today who are in far, far worse positions"

:o

No shit?

You think us feminists think this is the worst thing that has ever happened to a woman? :o

Or maybe we're just talking to one woman about her situation, because even small domestic irritations can matter...?

"It is crucially important to bring boys up to have the skills and attitude to do 50% of the domestic stuff. Get it right and they actually enjoy the independence."

Of course they do, because being able to look after yourself (and eventually your family) is part of being a proper adult.

Sometimes I tell DH about the lazy losers some MNers are married to and how they think having a job means they shouldn't lift a finger at home, and I don't think he believes me that any self-respecting man could be so utterly pathetic.

Thank you MIL for raising your son to be independent. You did a great job :)

"i also wonder if she is also adding to the pile of glass recycling on their windowsill because its 'his' job to take it out, rather than taking the stuff she's used out herself."

But why is he adding to the pile. Why's he not taking it out when it's his job. Why is it OK for him to behave like that and only her behaviour you comment on?

My MIL didn't raise her son to be independent, at least not in the cooking area (long story, ayahs and boarding school). He couldn't cook a damn thing till he took up with a ball-breaking dame who made him learn. He was 34.

He seems to be quite happy with his current subservient role, though

It's obvious that the DH thinks he already does enough. He does work all day outside the home, cooks every night, hoovers and does his own washing.

I personally would think that was okish. The OP feels he should do one more job.

He was supposed clean the bathroom once a week but never did it properly so now is supposed to do the bins. He doesn't empty them when needed so we have the situation where there is an overflowing bin for days.

I want to know does your DH know this is really pissing you off? Have you had a proper conversation about all this?

Some of us feminists also refuse to get in such a state about such a petty issue as someone not putting a bin out when they are ill. I admit that may be a personal thing and being married to a man who shares the load may have an impact on my judgement on these things. I think there are huge feminist issues and just don't see this as one to be worked up about. I would expect my DH to help me out when I'm ill and vice versa. No feminist issue at all.

Although I have been a SAHM for most of our marriage and I do most of household stuff, including finances etc, DH still clears up after himself, cooks etc because he a kind and considerate human being.

Well I'm raising my son to be independent. And my daughter too.

But I'm also raising them to know that life is far to short to bitch about small things and that lots of chores people routinely spend hours doing simply doesn't need to be done by a man or a woman.

Its strange so many feel that the housework should be split 50/50 in a couple where only one works and carries the whole financial burden for the family. I see lots of posts stating he should do more housework and its unfair on the OP but it doesnt seem to work the other way round as nobody is suggesting she gets a job and contributes to finances. So its not equal rights at all.

I'd like to widen the definition of chores though......

Visits to the tips, paperwork, phone calls to banks, organising insurance, gardening, making thinks for the children, sorting out stuff for charity shop, working on the car, DIY, shopping for different kinds of items other than food, cooking, taking DCs to sorts events

I do more of the housework, sure, but the rest of it evens out. I think the main thing is: how much free time and relaxation do we each get?

"Some of us feminists also refuse to get in such a state about such a petty issue as someone not putting a bin out when they are ill. I admit that may be a personal thing and being married to a man who shares the load may have an impact on my judgement on these things."

So because your husband does his share, that means housework is a "petty" issue and other women who complain about men not pulling their weight are being unreasonable.

You can't see at all that something that is a non-issue with someone who pulls their weight becomes important with someone doesn't?

No?

We all should live our lives as though we were you and married to your husband?

Um... ok.

Ignore terrible spelling - annoying ipad

Keeping women chained to domestic work and having to battle about it all the time, stops them thinking about more important things like revolution and freedom. We're also supposed to be grateful for men who do something, anything, when men married to women who do almost everything are rarely grateful or count themselves as "lucky".

This might look small but it's important. Inequalities like this are symptoms of larger structures of inequality where men go through life benefiting at the expense of women.

There are a lot of women working hard to rationalise it here and justify it and using quite a lot of energy to maintain the status quo. I'd have thought that energy would be better spent fighting for change rather than justifying men's lack of effort in the home (some men of course before the peanut gallery descend).