to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

Its strange so many feel that the housework should be split 50/50 in a couple where only one works and carries the whole financial burden for the family. I see lots of posts stating he should do more housework and its unfair on the OP but it doesnt seem to work the other way round as nobody is suggesting she gets a job and contributes to finances. So its not equal rights at all.

Its strange to me that you think they shouldnt be shared The op is looking after their child whilst he works and earns the money to finacially support the ^burden* of his family. He lives in the house too,takes holidays,eats food uses the utilities.If he was single he would have to pay for childcare and do the household chores!

The term is sahm not sahm and cleaner.

In my house DP handles the cooking, DCs homework and the music practice while I take care of the rest whic include emptying the bins and the recycleables.

The other day DP comes downstairs and told me that DD's bedroom bin has been overflowing for days and it still hadn't been emptied can I go up now and empty it. DP was just upstairs and could have tied up the bin liner and brought it down.

Some DPs can be soooo petty minded. If the position is reversed then it is a case - I do it all the time. Is it too much that I ask you do it once in a while?

Hands up whose husband cleans the toilet?

I agree it's a huge feminist issue. I gave up my FT job to look after the children - makes sense because dh earns hugely more than I do. I will return to work when the time is right.

However, I didn't give up my job to become a full time drudge and pick up after the rest of the family - why do women do this? Who would think it acceptable to leave a half-finished bowl of cereal on the side for someone else to tidy away? I wouldn't!

I do actually do the vast majority of the housework, because dh works long hours. BUT, and it's a big BUT, when he's at home, evenings and weekends, I expect him to do a fair share of the childcare and the housework. I'm not going to run around after everyone at the weekend while dh lies on the sofa, or is on the laptop, just because he works full time. Oh, and I have to hoover pretty much every day, or we'd be breathing in dog hair!

I think certain people on this thread don't want to admit this - would rather nitpick about the specific chore-division in the op's post, than admit that it is ingrained in a lot of men that housework is wimmins work. After all how many times do we hear the same story when both partners work fulltime?

"In my house DP handles the cooking, DCs homework and the music practice while I take care of the rest whic include emptying the bins and the recycleables."

So he does three things and you do "the rest".

What's the rest?

im a feminist, but i wouldnt even consider giving my husband "a stern talking to" for leaving the bins a bit long. Of course he should do it, but a bit of flexibility goes a long way. Its only a fucking bin. It sounds an issue of trust, that you think hes desperatly waiting to start taking the piss at any opportunity.

If he didnt feel like cooking one night, would you be completely outraged too?

As an adult I'd be really pissed off if my DP felt the need to give me a 'stern talking to' and I wouldn't be happy at having to ask for permission to go to the pub. Just empty the bloody bins.

I don't think the OP identifies as a feminist, so the "stern talking to" has nothing to do with feminism Dinah.

hands up here too! I clean it too though.

running I agree.

"Hands up whose husband cleans the toilet?"

Mine does.

Right I'm going to make the confession of committing the crime of not reading all the thread (four pages of petty 'I do more than you do OP' and 'you have it easy' and the feminist/lazy woman debates was enough for me)

CailinDana if today you said to your DH exactly how him not emptying the bins and you having to ask him to do it makes you feel (whatever it is) would be make an effort in the future do try and not make you feel this way?

On a tangent RhinosDontEatPancakes DS1 is sitting next to me and read you post of 10.37 and wants to know how someone mows a loo

Keeping women chained to domestic work and having to battle about it all the time, stops them thinking about more important things like revolution and freedom. We're also supposed to be grateful for men who do something, anything, when men married to women who do almost everything are rarely grateful or count themselves as "lucky".

This might look small but it's important. Inequalities like this are symptoms of larger structures of inequality where men go through life benefiting at the expense of women

A stirring call to arms....

But, if I was going to make my MN Feminists Stand Against The Undomesticated Menz, I don't think I'd make my stand where the bloke is already doing the cleaning, cooking, hoovering, washing his clothes and still holds down the family full time job while the "victim" is a SAHM with a single toddler.

Jus' sayin....

Thank god I married a feminist who believes in equality. When dh gets back from taking DS to his morning activity I am going to ask him what he thinks. I predict he will say "but he agreed to do it so he should do it" and possibly "the issue isn't the bin is it? It's him not doing what he said he would".

I bet the op's husband does not say he'll do things at work and then not do them. That would be seen as unacceptable and sloppy. For that reason I think it's massively disrespectful to the man in this situation to assume he is incapable of either doing the agreed task or renegotiating the arrangement himself.

If he cannot or will not do a task he shouldn't have agreed to do or he should say something. Equally the same would apply to women.

I don't think the OP identifies as a feminist, so the "stern talking to" has nothing to do with feminism Dinah.

I'm sure the OP is completely capable of answering that herself Nyac.
I don't think she needs you to talk for her about what her beliefs may or may not be. Though perhaps shes not up to your standard of feminism as she does not have a copy of The Politics of Housework handy at every available opportunity. Labels are not a good thing. And we all have different definitions...

My DH does the shitter. And complains at me for not doing it as much as I should.

Do you actually see ANY positive things about men by the way? Or do you just make negative remarks about everything they do? Would be nice to see you are capable of putting balance into your argument.

Anyway, time to go. The Politics of Housework thing has really made my morning. I need to go get a copy and educate myself.

"But, if I was going to make my MN Feminists Stand Against The Undomesticated Menz, I don't think I'd make my stand where the bloke is already doing the cleaning, cooking, hoovering, washing his clothes and still holds down the family full time job while the "victim" is a SAHM with a single toddler."

• He's not doing the cleaning, where do you get that?
• She appears to start the cooking sometimes and he has taken over it whether she likes it or not.
• He hoovers once, she does it three times a week.
• Is washing his own clothes any kind of a big deal. No it isn't.

Are you seriously arguing that all of the above would preclude holding down a full time job? Or that it's some kind of amazing thing he can manage doing those things whilst doing paid work?

She says she feels like his maid.

YANS you're still having a go at me. Please cut it out.

I'm always amused by bins being a man's job. We have a laminated list of daily tasks that we do each day. We don't split them but we both work until they're done so we do equal shares. It helps that we are both obsessive types who like crossing things off lists in a slightly competitive way.

BUT I've noticed on Tues night if I do the bins before he gets to them, his face falls, and he will comment sadly that I've done them. Obviously the need to put out the bins is some deep seated male desire. I now make him hammer his chest and do a war cry when he's done them so he can fully get in touch with his inner bin putter outer ur-man. Lords knows what the neighbours think is going on.

Re:

The toilet. Me, DH and our two DSs clean the toilet. Those toilet duck Fresh Brush things are really good

CailinDana just a few things that spring to mind, having read through SIXTEEN pages of this. Lord!

You talk about the endlessness of housework...You know what, I think about the endless drudgery of some aspects of my well paid job. It depresses the hell out of me. I have internal hissy fits because if I have to edit one more crappy, shitty internal article one more time, for the same person, I'm going to scream! Round and round it goes - you finish one project, the next one starts up. You do one request for one person, the next one comes right along. The thought of being in that office, at that desk, for the next forty years makes me want to cry. The endlessness of it all, the pointlessness of it all - some aspects are good, different, rewarding. But there's a whole lot of mundane, repetitive, never-ending parts to it too that are soul-destroying.

If I were a SAHM, exhausting myself in the park every day with my toddler, I would be counting my lucky stars. I get what you are saying about the expectation of housework but from my perspective, that's a very small price to pay. I would be feeling very sorry for my husband that he doesn't get to run around with our child every day instead of being chained to a chair and desk. That I got to spend so much time with our child that he was missing out on. Because god - even running around the park all day sounds like a luxury from my POV. I HATE being inside, I HATE sitting at a desk all day - I want to be outside, I want to be free. I don't want to be a slave to my job, but I am because it's well paid and it supports us. Make no mistake, I AM a slave to it right now.

I'm not even remotely interested in the feminist arguments in this thread - not because I don't have my own opinions, but because I can't be arsed. The bins is a wider issue but at least, if you must stick to your principles and not do them, don't wind yourself up about it! Start a new bag, stop making so much work for yourself with the housework - it does sound excessive! My DH and I hardly do anything like that, we both do the bare minimum because we're knackered with our jobs. Washing the windows EVERY week? Yikes. Enjoy your time with your son, don't let the housework wind you up and remember - that endless, repetitive feeling housework gives you? It will only be the same in a job after a certain period of time.

- He's not doing the cleaning, where do you get that?

The OP said so

- She appears to start the cooking sometimes and he has taken over it whether she likes it or not.

Menz takes over Chorez! Leave the bastard!

- He hoovers once, she does it three times a week.

We only cleans and hoover 1x a week, and thats with 3 kids. Iz we Slatternz or Iz we not? Sorry, but that is make-work IMO. Far better less hoovering and more taking the bins out MNetting

- Is washing his own clothes any kind of a big deal. No it isn't.

Its fucking petty if the Handmaid of this tale is doing other washing IMO. And then to gripe about a bin not being put out.

NYAC dear , I think you could come across as far more credible if you placed your considerable energies behind moe deserving caiuses. This one just ain't going to fly.

That is so out of order YANS.

If you're concerned about how people address other people look to yourself first.

If the OP is a feminist I'm sure she'll tell us if I got that wrong. It's very kind of you to get so outraged on her behalf.