to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

No my mother didn't pick up after me at all mingo. I don't have an aversion to housework per se, more the endlessness of it.

Cailin, I have just started a thread about a knid of similar issue to this. My dh does have a busy stressful job but I can't see how this means he can extricate himself from almost everything at home. He accuses me of benig trivial and petty when I get upset over things that don't get done but they are trivial to him because he doesn't really feel they are anything to do with him. I took one of our ds's out last night- very unusual and meant I had to leave the house at 6:30. I hadn't quite fiinshed clearing up the tea dishes due to ds3's tantrums and there were toys all over the living room floor. When I came in at 10:30 ds2 and ds3 had been put to bed with stories read (lovely) but the house looked exactly as I had left it. He hadn't even taken the plates off the dining table. He was at his computer working. And accused me of being ungrateful and petty when I said it would have been nice if he could have done just a quick ten minute tidy. I do all the end-of-the-day tidying every day.

I think some men have a deeply ingrained resentment towards housework and I really feel they think it's too trivial for them to do. I agree its awful to get worked up about it but it's jsut not fair! (she says stamping her foot!)

Your ds has agreed he'll do something and he should do it. You are bringing up your child which is pretty bloody important. Emptying the bins is a minor thing so why shouldnt he do it? Why do all the small seemingly insignificabnt tasks have to fall to the woman? Because the man thinks he is too important to be bothered with them. Thats the truth of it.

Sorry, I am in a seriously bad mood!

wow, just put the bins out yourself. Its not a slippery slope, its just putting the bins out

Yeah, you still sound oke you are ignoring what your dh does do to me. Get over the whole 'oh its because I am a woman' drama. I am a woman, would always want my fair share, but can still see that you have got it pretty decent.

And yes your dc will have to learn at some point thart its not always play time. If jobs need doing he should learn to wait patiently or 'contribute' in the way that only a small child can. Play with what you are trying to sort :o

You don't have sound like a nagging wife to come home to. If your real problem is wanting a paid job, go get one but stop rubbishing what your husband does.

HALF the housework? Seriously? So cleaning emptying bins, cooking, and hoovering once a week are equal to dusting, cleaning the kitchen, shopping, cleaning the bathroom and bedrooms, hoovering 3 times a week, mopping, washing windows, changing bedclothes, general sorting and tidying and doing the financial stuff? How do you figure that?

Is it just me with mouth wide open?

Well you could leave the bastard, then go out to work as you need the money and then do 100% of the chores around your job and DC.
HTH

FOUR pages about bins?! MN really does reflect real life...

Cailin you are making me look like a slattern and I don't like it. You hoover 3 times a week? TBH if I cleaned as much as you do then I would just do the bins and laundry (not ironing though) to save my own blood pressure and let DH get on with the cooking and manly labour :o

OP, I honestly think people are trying to make you feel unreasonable, because deep down, they know that they do more than their fair share. Rather than deal with their own relationships and unequal division of chores, they would rather try and make out you 'don't pull your weight.'

He would be doing half the housework in my house [slattern]

But then I do have an aversion to housework. It's boring and endless.

DH and I do slightly less than needs to be done. Thanks to his incredible efficiency, this is not too arduous. If we were both as inept as I am it would take all weekend.

Play with your children - they don't need to learn that scrubbing the floor is more important than going to the park.

But it's not really about bins. It's about the symbolism of the bins.

The best thing about International Women's Day for me was that I sat around a table with a bunch of male and female university employees of all ages and backgrounds, and we compared notes on what everyone did in the home. Some men made rather sheepish confessions when they realised the other blokes were routinely doing more. This is the kind of thing that changes society over time - exposing the anomalies that people (usually women) are unhappy with.

We need an Equal Pay Day next to tackle the most important remaining hurdle!

OP, I honestly think people are trying to make you feel unreasonable, because deep down, they know that they do more than their fair share. Rather than deal with their own relationships and unequal division of chores, they would rather try and make out you 'don't pull your weight.

No, deep down I think most of us don't clean the house 4x a week!

That says it all to me. (taps nose)

It threads like this that make me realise that the world just hasnt changed for women at all.
Would we be having the same debate if it were switched and a woman was only repsonsible for a few minor tasks and then didnt do them.
We all live in a house and therefore we should all be responsible for the maintainance of it.
Men refusing to do this because they go to work is an excuse for being lazy as is the word "nag" specifically designed to keep women from voicing an opinion.

Ledkr: spot on.

WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE!

ie: merged with a man, into this mythical entity called A Marriage, where Partnership is more important than Equality.

yeah cos this is exactly how a 50s housewife would have had it

Yes!

Talk of 'don't listen to the feminists' - it's like the stepford wives on this thread. Don't start to question your lot in life, just get on with it for the sake of a happy family.

Women have nothing to lose and everything to gain from the work of 'feminists' - so why are we vilified?

It threads like this that make me realise that the world just hasnt changed for women at all. Would we be having the same debate if it were switched and a woman was only repsonsible for a few minor tasks and then didnt do them

I get the idea MN Feminists won't be happy until The Menz do all the work, all the housework, bear the children and bring 'em up.

Ah (Light goes on)

Where do I sign up?

Agree ledkr. I still can't believe that we're in 2012 and that people think that housework is the woman's job and responsibility and feel sorry for the poor man who has to do anything, even though he doesn't even do some of the things he's supposed to.

Somebody even called him a "house slave" just for being expected to do his job of putting the bins out. It's a joke, but a nasty one on women, because it's all about keeping us chained to the kitchen sink whilst men enjoy the benefits of domestic service.

Nag is a sexist word and anybody who uses it is suffering from misogyny. If someone used that word to me I'd also hit the roof.

Cailin, you say you don't get angry about this, maybe you need to. It's going to be better than bitterness, frustration and resentment. Particularly if you feel you have to go back to work sooner than you want to rather than staying to look after your son.

(Also him doing the cooking - he's nabbed the one creative part of domestic work for himself - that's not on).

"I get the idea MN Feminists won't be happy until The Menz do all the work, all the housework, bear the children and bring 'em up."

Nice little smear there WMW.

How about men do their fair share? Or is that just unthinkable?

Cailin,

When the thread started I thought you were ever so slightly BU.

Having read your posts though, I have a fair bit of sympathy for you, as I have been (and am) in a similar situation.

I think you are able to express yourself well, so just tell your H waht you have been telling us!

I certainly don't want The Menz doing all the work, thanks. I want, in fact, to have a far more equal number of Wimmin in paid work that they enjoy.

I do, I will fully concede, see no problem in housework and childcare for people afflicted by a Y chromosome. My (male) partner cooks and washes and runs a hoover round the house and generally behaves like, you know, a competent adult.

I don't know, I'm pretty sure neither of my grandmothers put out their own bins, and I don't think their husbands would have wanted to be seen as the kind of men who left their wife doing that kind of job.

For all the sexism of the 50s, there was a clear division of roles, whereas nowadays it seems that women are expected to do everything and men absolutely sweet fuck all apart from going to work.

There's no particular reason why doing the bins should be a man's job, but what's interesting is that for many that just means that women have no excuse for not doing it in addition to all the other stuff they were already doing.

The OP did almost all the housework when she worked full time - so this laziness and shirking is not new for this guy.

I really worry about what kind of lazy bastard entitled shites some of you are raising, and am bringing up my daughters to have nothing to do with useless, dependent gobshites who expect women to look after them.

Quite a lot of men have an image of mummy in their mind - a woman who takes care of them and doesn't make any demands of them, and is happy to do all the domestic work. When their wife/partner becomes a mummy, all of a sudden she's in that role and they act accordingly. It also means when she asks them to do their fair share they can ignore her - after all who has to do what mummy says, not when they're a grown man.

There's a reason why the majority of divorces are instigated by women. Some women just don't feel like being someone else's unpaid gofer for the whole of their adult lives. There are better things for them to do with their time.

It is crucially important to bring boys up to have the skills and attitude to do 50% of the domestic stuff. Get it right and they actually enjoy the independence.

I say to my brood regularly things like, "Can you explain to me why you think this should be my job? You're not suggesting because I happen to be female that wiping yukky things up/putting hard to fold things away/doing the boring housework things is exclusively down to me while you all go off and have fun with your mates? If so, stuff that - I am off to have a nice sit down and a cup of tea while you take a turn. Bring my tea to the sitting room when it's ready."

Usually works.