to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

[CailinDana]

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

Running op basically admitted she didn't do much each day by what has been quoted above. I think he does far more than his fair share of overall combined house/baby/work chores.

I've read everything now. sirgin - nannies and babysitters do exactly that as a full time job. Mums don't get paid, and many dads don't want to give up work to be a sahd.

I'm appalled at some of the attitudes here.

Looking at this it does seem that the op is very dismissive of her husband's job. It's not about the fact she is a woman or that he is a man. Ad the stay at home person doesn't more of the household chores lie with her? Of course the working person shouldn't expect to do nothing and he does need to keep to his side if they have agreed on certain chores. I just find the way she puts things a bit off.

So, is the answer to all of this, that I must take DS out less, put him in front of the tv more, and do more housework?

FWIW I would absolutely love it if I could work at a fulfilling, prestigious job that I enjoy (like DH) while DH stayed at home with DS and did the majority of the housework. I consider it quite a luxury not to have to worry about any household stuff during the week, I've never had that as any time I've worked I've also being doing either all or most of the housework. As it stands I don't have that choice, if I go to work I'll have to put DS in nursery or with a CM, which would be fine, but not as easy for me as leaving him with his parent.

A lot of people seem to think DH should have the best of all worlds - a great job, a lovely DS, an uncomplaining wife who does everything around the house, and absolutely no domestic jobs to worry about. Oh, to be a man!

To add, if DH were a SAHD I can pretty much guarantee that the kitchen would be a tip when I came home from work, no hoovering would be done, and the washing would be done a couple of times a week at most. I would still have to empty the bins and do a hundred other jobs, but that's fine, isn't it, because I'm a woman?

"So, is the answer to all of this, that I must take DS out less, put him in front of the tv more, and do more housework?"

No!

The answer is to talk to your husband about his laziness around the house and stop listening to the eejits who believe that housework is too trivial for men but essential for women.

"but again that doesn't mean I have to "pay" for that by becoming the only person in the house who ever actually does any cleaning."

You would if you treated it like a job. People in a nursery have to do this stuff all the time, and well yeah, while there are some less glamorous parts of the job, there are some things that should be done. Especially if you are going out and spending nice quality time with DS...

You could always do what my exDW did, and that was to get her parents in during the day while I was at work to do all the jobs around the house, and then claim that she had done them all. Wasn't until I put a security camera (as we had people breaking into cars) that I found this out, as they would shortly appear after I went to work, and disappeared just before I came home. Then DW would say that she had done everything, which wasn't the case when I had talked to her dad about it. Her mum use to do absolutely everything.

Don't get me wrong, do I think a SAHM be treated like a slave, No, definitely not. Said, exDW's father use to have a bell he would ring when he wanted something.. and I definitely don't agree with that. I guess, it comes down to, if you notice something needs doing, just do it, and get on with it. I am sure that your DH does other things without questioning or demanding things be done.

Also, if you have a garden, who does all the mowing etc... it that a shared job?

"So, is the answer to all of this, that I must take DS out less, put him in front of the tv more, and do more housework?"

"FWIW I would absolutely love it if I could work at a fulfilling, prestigious job that I enjoy (like DH)"

Now you're just trying to diminish your DHs contribution, while overstating your own.

Keeping the house clean is part of providing a good environment for bringing up a child. Definitely falls under the SAHP job description where that SAHP has the spare capacity to do it. And with one toddler there is a hell of a lot of spare capacity.

What you cant do during the working hours when your DH is slaving away to allow you to be a SAHM, you share in the evenings. Your DH already does all the cooking so hes got that one covered.

Drop the 'its the principle of the thing' attitude stoked up by the feminists and recognise your DHs contribution in all this.

I have just read the whole of this thread (an hour or so I will never get back! ), got to the penultimate post and have to applaud Everlong for saying exactly what I wanted to.

No no one does the mowing because we don't have a mower. DH said he'd take care of the garden and I wasn't to worry about it, and that's why it's a shit tip. I want to be able to bring DS out there so instead of actually getting any time to myself I'm going to have to spend a weekend clearing it. If I mention it to DH he'll claim he's just about to do it, or has been too busy or something like that.

Nursery workers don't clean the toilets (unless there's been a poosplosion of course) or mop the floor, the cleaners do that. If a nursery worker disappeared off to wipe the windows during work hours they would be fired for neglecting the children.

I see where you're coming from op. It is incredibly annoying when an agreement is made re. Housework, is ignored, and the most houseproud person becomes the nag.

However, I do think part of a sahms job is to take on the majority of housework, esp when childcare responsibilities are relatively low (1 toddler, or dcs in school). It is stressful being a sahm, keeping on top of housework and dealing with stroppy dcs!

However, I feel sorry for my dh that he is sat in work on the afternoons I am in the park with the dcs, reading a book, soaking up the sun, watching the dcs have fun. Whilst I don't expect him to do nothing at home, I would struggle to demand he did his own washing, when I was doing everyone else's, just to make a point.

It's a partnership not a competition, and you playing down his contribution, is equally as bad as him making light of yours.

I'm more interested in how he washes his clothes - do you both chuck your dirty clothes in a basket and then each pull out what is yours to wash???

FWIW as a single mum with three dcs , overflowing bins, meals to be cooked, wages to be earned etc I wish I had so little to worry about (although that's probably to do with feelng sorry for myself)

And I agree with maryz that the best way to get some perspective is to take some time for YOU on the weekend. Go shopping, have a quiet lunch, and leave your dc with your dh. You will feel 100% better about things.

I don't feel I'm playing down his contribution, honestly. I don't ever sit in the sun with a book while DS plays - he's only been walking about a month and so needs a lot of help in the playground. I spend a lot of time running after him and it is tiring. He's easygoing, like I said, in the sense that he doesn't get too stroppy about things, but he needs a lot of attention.

The washing thing isn't an issue and I'm not going to into that.

The way I see it, DH both do our jobs during the day, and we both work hard and do our best. I am not going to take full responsibility for the house, I'm just not, as I am not DH's mother and I just don't want to. If being a SAHM requires that I am the only one who looks after the house, then I'll go back to work. I'll then come home at 5, like DH, play a bit with DS, do the cooking and do nothing else. That sounds great to me.

DH and I both do our jobs

OP - yes, but the nursery workers are also looking after a lot more children than just one.

"No no one does the mowing because we don't have a mower. "

Aus, you seem to think I do nothing. I do everything except empty the bins, cook the dinner and hoover at the weekend. The house is very clean and tidy.

The answer is to talk to your husband about his laziness around the house and stop listening to the eejits who believe that housework is too trivial for men but essential for women

Laziness around the house?

if I read this thread right the DH is already doing about 1/2 the housework, and holding down a full time job. And I suspect he does all the maintenance and DiY.

I think Everlong has it about covered above. That and the post about not sweating the small stuff.

The cooking thing is a bit of a red herring really, as there is a choice between cooking and clearing up and DH chooses to cook. I would actually like to cook now and again but he doesn't really like what I make (too many vegetables) and he really enjoys cooking so he's usually insistent about wanting to cook.

Everlong, I am seriously considering going back to work. The problem is, if I do, the house will go to rack and ruin. I suppose I'll just have to put up with it.

Did your mother pick up after you too, CailinDana? Sounds like you have an aversion to housework, more than anything else.

"I'll then come home at 5, like DH, play a bit with DS, do the cooking and do nothing else. That sounds great to me."

Then do it. And with the extra money coming in you can afford childcare and a cleaner. It works for many families.

Whatme - HALF the housework? Seriously? So cleaning emptying bins, cooking, and hoovering once a week are equal to dusting, cleaning the kitchen, shopping, cleaning the bathroom and bedrooms, hoovering 3 times a week, mopping, washing windows, changing bedclothes, general sorting and tidying and doing the financial stuff? How do you figure that?

Agree with Everlong.

Also, why does he have the task of bin emptying? That just gets done as and when it's needed surely?Why doesn't he change bed sheets on a saturday morning or something like that.