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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
Covetingmychildrenseyelashes · 09/03/2012 23:51

Why do some men seem to revert to being children when they have children? If the OP's DH lived alone, he would have to cook, wash up, clean, shop, wash clothes, take out the bins, and do all the myriad and often minor household things that need doing, as well as working fulltime. Why should he do less because he has a child when the overall domestic chores have increased (leaving aside actual childcare)?

Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:51

I'd be pissed off and resentful if some guy, even a beloved husband, was treating me like a dogsbody. In fact I'd probably be raging.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:53

Thanks Harecare, that makes me feel nice and shit.

DH is home, he got a kiss and a "Put out the bins please." He opened his mouth, probably to say "I'll do it in the morning," but I gave him the deathstare so he's doing it now. I'll have a proper talk to him tomorrow.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:55

Well, exactly coveting, although to be fair to DH he's always been like this. The bathroom in his student house was so incredibly filthy it actually makes me feel a bit ill to think of it. I'd only been going out with him about three weeks when I had to gather my courage and tell him he'd have to change his bedsheets or I wouldn't be coming round to his house any more!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:56

Right, bed for me. I didn't expect such an in-depth discussion, but it's been interesting :)

OP posts:
SirGinTheUnreasonable · 09/03/2012 23:59

Well thank god for that.

Covetingmychildrenseyelashes · 09/03/2012 23:59

Do read Gaby Hinsliff's book Half a Wife. There's a lot in there about "wifework" and how best to share domestic responsibilities with a partner.

Nyac · 10/03/2012 00:00

Print out the Politics of Housework and stick it under his nose tomorrow and ask him why he's being an unreconstructed male chauvinist when this is 2012.

Women used to notice when men were behaving like that and what it meant. All of a sudden now though we're individuals and men taking advantage of women domestically is something we're not supposed to notice or if we do there's a list of excuses we must use for them (whilst blaming ourselves for being petty or whatever).

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 10/03/2012 00:00

The bin I meant.

< clears up buns >

significantother · 10/03/2012 00:02

Good luck with it all OP and well done for giving the rascal a kiss.
My Grandmother always said never go to bed on an argument.
Listen to yourself and you probably wont go far wrong.

runningforthebusinheels · 10/03/2012 00:07

Glad he did it OP, everyone needs a good deathstare Grin

Nesbo · 10/03/2012 00:09

Neither DW nor I have ever given each other a "stern talking to". It sounds terribly exciting though.

I fear we are very vanilla.

KatieMiddleton · 10/03/2012 00:10

I posted, then spent some time with my family. I do love how on MN some people are completely unable to appreciate a bit of sarcasm.

Did you all you horrified head-shakers honestly think I was going to divorce my husband if he didn't put the laundry away?? OF COURSE NOT. I said it, he laughed. He did the job he agreed he would do. because he knows that being solely responsible for DS would be much harder work than a full time job

It is about respect. Respect for each other. Just because someone is a sahm (I'm not btw) doesn't mean all the housework is her job. Likewise if someone were a sahd it would not all be his job.

As adults in a family you have responsibilities. You have to follow through with those responsibilities because to not bother shows a) a complete lack of respect for the other person and the agreement you made b) a deal is a deal.

If he didn't feel that it was a fair or reasonable agreement then he shouldn't have made it or he should have attempted to renegotiate it. He's an adult after all and capable of saying. As is my dh by the way, who despite shuffling about refuses any of my half-hearted offers of help.

Cailin it honestly does not matter what either of you do all day. You really don't need to defend yourself. You and your husband made an arrangement. He refuses to honour that arrangement. That's pretty shitty and you are quite right to feel aggrieved.

Now I'm going to finish up some paid work I was doing while dh and ds are asleep because I have responsibilities and I should honour them too.

mingofmongo · 10/03/2012 00:10

"I'll have a proper talk to him tomorrow."

Dont have too much of a talk with him because lets face it - with him working full time, cooking every night and hoovering at weekends, well you aren't really pulling your weight are you.

SpringHeeledJack · 10/03/2012 00:14

wot Kate said

have been glancing at this on and off all night but couldn't quiiiite articulate it myself

you have

thank you

KatieMiddleton · 10/03/2012 00:14

x-posted.

Well done OP. I think you need to sit him down and explain to him how his behaviour makes you feel. I had to do it twice with dh and he pulled his socks up and he is generally a wonderful man.

blackeyedsusan · 10/03/2012 00:15

car maintenence; checking oil, water, screen wash, break fluid compartment, tyre pressure and washing the car in addition to filling with petrol.

hth

MeltedChocolate · 10/03/2012 00:17

This is a joke right? With the cooking and hoovering being the biggest jobs and you only having one child but staying at home all day?? I can only imagine this is a joke?!

Agree with mingo. YOU are the one who is not pulling your weight if anyone, and getting this annoyed about bins is daft.

The 'if he were single he'd have to do it all' argument never fails to be a ridiculous argument. He is not single though is he? He is in a partnership where things are supposedly divided equally.

KatieMiddleton · 10/03/2012 00:18

Smile SpringHeeledJack

FWIW I blame these man-children's mothers. I lived with one of these man-children for a bit. He made my life miserable. His mother used to run around after them all like a skivvy and he expected me to too. Dh's mother would never indulge such behaviour and dh would never dream of trying it on.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 10/03/2012 00:19

Is that how his toes got broken Katie ?

< joke >

KatieMiddleton · 10/03/2012 00:22

He is in a partnership where things are supposedly divided equally.

Quite. Except he's not doing his agreed share or renegotiating the arrangement.

Anyhoo, I could chat about this all night but as my position is not going to change unless someone takes out that bit of my brain that allows rational thinking (unlikely) and I have Things To Do I shall bit you all adieu.

KatieMiddleton · 10/03/2012 00:23

Arf SirGin Grin

runningforthebusinheels · 10/03/2012 00:23

THe dh cooks the evening meal, hoovers at weekends and empties the bins. That is in no way the bulk of the housework.

significantother · 10/03/2012 00:34

All of a sudden a marriage or relationship is only a business arrangement.

The OP asked for advice about a "Lazy man" who works all week and cooks evening meals and hoovers, together with washing all his OWN clothes (Because of some agreement) and what she gets is advice on how to run your husband.

Yes,how to run your husband.

The majority of posters on here have questioned the OP's commitment to wanting to stay at home as a SAHM and that's a reasonable approach to getting to the root of her unhappiness. Some posters have called her lazy and they might also have a point.

But...

Sit down and have a word with him?

He's an unreconstructed male chauvinist ?

If he was single his bedroom might well be in a mess but he wouldn't be made to feel like a house slave by someone clicking their fingers at him and printing 'The Politics Of Housework' which is probably an "I'm right you're wrong type of book".

The OP is unhappy and she's taking that unhappiness out on her partner.If the roles were reversed she'd be guilty of domestic abuse...no wonder he went to the pub.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 10/03/2012 00:41

'I'm hardly in the house much during the day to be honest, apart from during DS's nap, during which I eat my lunch. DS is the adventurous sort and needs a lot space to move around so we spend a lot of time at babygroups and the park. During the day I get time to clean the kitchen, do some washing and hoovering but that's about it....'

OP

Given a choice, I'd much prefer to spend my days doing the above with my dd whilst a partner went out and earned.

I don't think it's comparable to the stress and pressure of a full time job in this case.

I do appreciate each partner needs to do their bit.

I don't think it's quite as black and white though as some feel.

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