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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DH a stern talking to when he gets home?

629 replies

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 17:44

DH's works full time in a flexible, non-stressful job that he loves, I'm a SAHM to an active but relatively easy going toddler. DH's jobs around the house are: cooking dinner each night (his choice, he loves cooking and hates clearing up), emptying the bins, washing his own clothes and hoovering at the weekend. That's it. Every so often we have a "discussion" about housework (ie I tell him he needs to keep on top of his jobs) he agrees he needs to buck up and he is very good for about a month afterwards. Then, everything slowly starts to slide. If I mention anything there's always an excuse: "I've been very busy," or some such.

This week my patience is wearing thin again. The bins are overflowing, and every week for the last three weeks they've been like that at some point. He's been ill for the last couple of days so I've said nothing and just worked around it because if I say anything I'll get the "I've been ill" and I'll look like a massive bitch. However, not long ago he rang me to ask if it's ok if he goes to the pub for a drink. I said yes even though I was a bit hacked off that I unexpectedly have no help with DS this evening (hate that, but I can deal with it) but more so because those bloody bins have been driving me nuts all week, I've said nothing because he's "ill" and now the poor "ill" baby is off to the pub!!! Grrrr!!

Am I being petty or should I tell him I've had enough of this? I mean, emptying the bins isn't too much to do of an evening is it??

OP posts:
PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 23:27

You sound like you feel a little trapped, Is being SAHM what you want to do? Cleaning aside.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:28

Nope, gone back to his friend's house down the road for a chat. He wanted to come here and bring the friend but I said no as I was going to bed. I should have known better - start a thread on MN and then go to bed? No chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:29

Purple - I'm considering going back to work. I love being with DS but the other shit is so boring.

OP posts:
Harecare · 09/03/2012 23:32

Is it a sexist issue though? I'd have the same response if it was mixed/all female housemates or a same sex relationship. Different people have different standards of cleanliness and tolerance, it has nothing to do with gender. The one who has the highest standards/least tolerance does most of the work by default, the one with low standards/high tolerance doesn't notice either way.

Callin - how long does it take to do the tiny bin? How long do you spend being annoyed about it? If the latter is longer, just do it yourself. It's only an issue because you're making it one. Can it be done during your working day of caring for DC? Wouldn't you expect a nursery worker to ensure the bins aren't overflowing if they were caring for your DC? It would just be part of that job, not a point scoring exercise. Nursery workers/CMs also prepare food, clean up, tidy, ensure standards of cleanliness and hygiene are met - imagine if you went into a filthy nursery and the carers just said "it's not my job, the cleaners will do that at the end of the day".

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 23:33

You will still get to be with DS if you work! and perhaps hire a cleaner. Housework can seriously get people down. You shouldn't be feeling so unhappy.

Life is too short.

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 09/03/2012 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:35

I think the sentiment you've expressed in your post is why I want to go back to work Harecare. At least at work I have a defined role and colleagues who do their jobs. As a SAHM I seem to be expected to be a dogsbody who just does everything that needs doing. There is no limit to my job and if my one "colleague" (DH) doesn't do the few small jobs that he's expected to then I just have to do it.

OP posts:
Maryz · 09/03/2012 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:36

It's funny how he doesn't do it so it must be your job and you're actually getting criticised for not doing his work for him. Why isn't he doing it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:38

Rhinos, if someone at work leaves a heap of filing on their desk, filing that isn't important to you but would make the place run smoother if it was done, do you just do it for them? Or do you expect them to do it themselves? I don't get why, because I've become a mother who wants to look after her baby, I should go from an adult in a two-person cooperative house to the single person in charge of everything.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 09/03/2012 23:38

'Empty the bins, then phone up the beauty salon and book a day's treatments' - Seriously?? What, in case she chips a nail?

If the bins are getting on your nerves then bloody do them!! You are not overworked, i do everything you do, work 3 days a week, have 2 kids, and cook every night - my H washes up and does chores but i do the bins. Big deal.

YABU.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:39

Yes, Nyac, that's what I don't get.

OP posts:
kipperandtiger · 09/03/2012 23:42

CailinDana - I could possibly be a relic from a different age here...... but sounds like your DH already does quite a lot around the home: cooking every night, doing some laundry, and hoovering every weekend? And he's not the SAH parent here. And he still politely asks you for permission to go to the pub? Instead of just going and then phoning later (like a lot of DH/DPs I know do)? If that's the case, er, maybe he shouldn't be the one emptying the bins on a regular basis. As you say, you don't want to be worked up over something pointless, so don't be - just go ahead and do it.

But seriously - the way you've described things, one is sorely tempted to ask, what are you doing, though? You even said your child is now a toddler, not an infant, and that he's quite easy going. It's the way you've described it! Wink

Maryz · 09/03/2012 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runningforthebusinheels · 09/03/2012 23:43

Yes, can anyone explain (other than keeping the peace) the OP should do the dh's (prior-agreed) job?

Surrendered wives need not answer.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 23:44

But she isn't happy doing the "jobs" she "should" be doing Nyac. Me thinks you are having an epiphany Cailin. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and you should not continue if it makes you unhappy. Do what makes you happy and what makes the family work. Don't feel like your place is at home if it isn't.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:45

I listed what I do in a previous post kipper.

I'm hardly in the house much during the day to be honest, apart from during DS's nap, during which I eat my lunch. DS is the adventurous sort and needs a lot space to move around so we spend a lot of time at babygroups and the park. During the day I get time to clean the kitchen, do some washing and hoovering but that's about it so a lot of other stuff has to be done in the evenings or at weekends. I could stop taking DS out and focus on housework but like I said I didn't become a SAHM to do housework I did it to look after DS. If I can't look after him, and have to leave him in front of the tv so I can clean the house then I don't see the point, I'll just go back to work and get paid for doing boring shit.

OP posts:
SirGinTheUnreasonable · 09/03/2012 23:46

I think you should make him read this thread as punishment.

Is he still not bloody back ! I need to go to bed.

< checks watch >

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:46

God yes Maryz!

OP posts:
Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:47

I think Cailin would feel less resentful about the other work, if her dh was doing what he'd agreed to do Purple, but maybe she can confirm that.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/03/2012 23:48

I agree Nyac! Believe it or not.
:o

Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:48

It's about respect isn't it. He's not doing his agreed share, but instead leaving it to her as if she's the dogsbody, which is disrespectful.

Original poster
CailinDana · 09/03/2012 23:49

I would Nyac. Housework is shit but if someone's there helping you out doing a few bits and bobs it just feels that bit less shit. If it's totally on me and I know that every little job in the house has to be done by me then it just grinds me down. I know it's a bit pathetic but if I come down in the morning and can get on with DS's breakfast without having to first put on my shoes and empty the bin then it just makes things that little bit easier.

OP posts:
Nyac · 09/03/2012 23:49

I'm surprised you haven't been told your standards are too high yet, Cailin. That's usually about number 3 on the list of reasons why men should do sweet FA around the house.

Harecare · 09/03/2012 23:50

Callin - you are working, it's just a job you haven't defined clearly yet. If you are the manager of the household it is your role to ensure all the jobs get done. If you delegate some jobs to other household members and they don't pull their weight you either call them into your office for a word on their performanceGrin or you realise that job could be better taken over by another household member - you.
Emptying a tiny under the sink bin is the sort of job that should be done by the person who can't shut the lid on it. If that is you, just do it. If you arrive at the bin and the lid won't shut already ask DH why he hasn't done it.
Don't let the bins overflow, that is poor household management.