To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

Wow so everytime you have made love hes been smoke free? How convenient

Yes, he does know that our marriage is now damaged.

"I suppose we are just incompatible. I hate his smoking and won't accept being lied to several times a week and he sees nothing wrong with either. I have previously suggested marriage counselling but he would not agree to it. There is not much left I can do."

umm, how is preventing him seeing the birth of his child going to solve this problem? he will just continue smoking and lying after the baby is born. you do realise that dont you? if you want to end the marriage, then end it but stop issuing stupid ultimatums that wont solve the problem.

Ok, I am leaving the thread now.

I will suggest marriage counselling again (to see if there is any scope for saving our marriage). He will not be at the birth as I do not feel supported by him at this time.

Thank you for your opinions.

"Yes, he does know that our marriage is now damaged." not teh same as telling him the marriage will be over.

does he know that if he doesn't stop lying you will be leaving? have you said "i can't take the lies anymore, if you lie to me again i am ending our marriage"?

I also now think there must be alot more to it than just this. No-one in their right mind would split up a family and make 4 children fatherless 50% of the time (or maybe less if he gets custody) just because of something you already knew about and didnt bother you enough beforehand.

Do you want to split up with him just because you have had enough now you've got the 4 children but you're trying to make out its his fault perhaps to make you feel less guilty?

You don't feel supported by him because he secretly smokes. And that's it?

Does he support you in other ways?

Or does support only matter if in every single aspect of his life he does as you tell him?

Have you asked yourself why your husband feels the need to lie to you?

Could it be that you are so OTT With your nagging and condemnation that you are totally unapproachable about the subject?

So he gives into his craving, you smell it and interrogate him. If he immediately admits it do you tut and tell him you hope he can do better tomorrow, or do you rant and tell him off like a child? Cos if you can't be nice about it then I would lie to you too!

I think you have obsessed about this to the point you have become itrrational and you need help. You are unable to see the enormity of what you are going to lose over what should be a minor issue, and you are willing to let your kids lose it too.

In what way do you think Marriage Counselling will help YOU get over YOUR issue about him being a smoker? No wonder he has said no to it in the past.

Maybe you should go to some counselling on your own?

Altinkum speaks sense. You need to talk to someone about this OP. Acting the way you are is not normal or healthy behaviour.

Your H is only lying to you because he feels he is not supported by you. Quitting smoking is hard, impossible even if it is not something you want to do for yourself. You cannot blackmail someone into quitting. You will only serve to push them into smoking more citing stress as the reason.

i really hope the children in this family are being allowed to really know their father as opposed to only knowing the version of him that mummy wants them to know.

This a classic Aibu thread.

Aibu?

YES

I am leaving this thread and going to do exactly what I want anyway.

It'll be deleted on a mo, just wait and see.

Wow...
People can be really defensive and unkind when others don't like it when people smoke, I've found on MN of late.

Iam - doubt it, OP admitted she wouldnt be telling the MWs the real reason for him not being at the birth

Nobody is being as unkind as the OP is to her husband and father of her children!

I'm not a smoker. Most people on this thread aren't.

I think that's a really good idea MadameChin - I think going to counseling on your own would be a great first step, especially if your DH doesn't want to go to it OP (mine has never been keen on counseling either)

I think you have got the smoking issue a bit out of proportion and talking it over with someone could save your relationship with DH.
(Though perhaps you will realise that there may be other issues involved. Whatever emerges though it could be helpful.)

And people can be really unkind when they are non-smokers too - as shown by the OP in wanting to have the midwives bar her husband from the hospital she baby is born.

I don't think smokers have the monopoly on rude, hateful, smug judgery...

I understand exactly how you feel about the smoking and lying as i had the same situation with DP. What i learnt over the 5 years that it took him to stop was that he wasn't going to do it till he was ready. Eventually he saw a counsellor and had hypnotherapy and hasn't smoked for 3 years.

Patience, This really has nothing to do with smoking.

Remember that the family courts won't be as pleasant as we've been here. They will take a very dim view of you splitting the family up like this and they will probably take pity upon your ex and perhaps place the children with him. He will then probably quit smoking quite happily and find a nice new partner You need to think very carefully about the implications of what you are doing. This is not just about you. There are four children involved and, if their father is determined to have them, possibly a lot of heartbreak in the future. Fathers have a lot of rights these days. You won't be able to fob the courts off by saying he's a smoker. He will end up with shared residence, not being allowed to move out of the area and a lot of unhappy parcels children. They won't thank you for this. Kids love their dads even if they do smoke.