To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

:( the lying must be the most horrible part of this :(
Is there any other way (counselling?) you could work through this? I understand that you are feeling emotional, fed up and upset, but making such a big threat might not be the best way to fix things or make things better.

You poor thing.

"Mental"
What a vile thing to call someone.

Really? Sorry I'll use 'making love' from now on

I was calling the thread mental actually, because it is.

Kayzr - If he did not smoke and constantly lie to me then yes, everything would be fine. As somone else upthread said, I do feel that the ease with which he lies and breaks promises means that he has no respect for me or our marriage.
The suggestion of tricking him to a drs appointment is something I could consider but to be honest I don't think that it would work. He would just lie to the doctor too (he already has done in denying he smokes at past appointments).

If you are not happy that he is a smoker, then you should not have been in a relationship with a smoker. What is it with people who get into relationships then attmept to change who that person is?

I do not like smoking. I have never done it. DH has never done it. I would NOT have married a smoker.

If you were being a bit more reasonable to the fact that he IS a smoker and has an addiction, he may be more accepting of compormise, such as "DH, as I do not want stinky cigarette breath on me while I am in labour, as soon as contractions start, please could you freshen up and wait until after the baby is born before you have your next cigarette?"

I cant bear the smell of coffee on people's breath. I'd never say to DH that he should stop drinking coffee, but the MWs made him a cup while I was having a very very long labour and I insisted he brush his teeth after it as the smell was putting me off pushing. He did it, because it was a small request.

Upsetme - how the hell did you make love to have the children in the first place if the smoke bothers you so much you would actually do something as outrageous as this?

This is a genuine question despite my hesitatation to use the phrase 'make love' (dont want to be told off again by teacher )

DH often eats all the chocolate biscuits and then denies it. AIBU to stop him being at the birth of my fictional baby because he could get fat and fall on one of the children and he LIES?

Am I? Am I? I don't care, I'm going to do it ANYWAY.

He probably lies about the smoking because he doesn't want to feel like he has let you down by smoking. If you accepted he was a smoker, he wouldn't have to lie to you.

DP farted last night, the shit, Ive packed his bags.

I made that clear 8 years ago (when we decided to have children). At the moment he is smoking more than he has at any other point in that 8 years since he 'gave up'
This is precisely the problem. You made it clear! You made a decision and told him to comply therefore he is not doing it himself. I NEVER asked dh to give up let alone tell him. I never even expected him to. I was shocked when he did. There was no conversation before, he just came home from work and said I haven't smoked today and I have decided to give up. It is not something you can force someone to do, they have to want to.

Hellboy - He was not smoking at that point. He is often able to go a few months before relapsing and starting again.

"The suggestion of tricking him to a drs appointment is something I could consider "

this information does not surprise me.

be an adult FFS!! stop using nasty 'punishments' and tricks to manipulate him. it isn't normal to trick your partner into doing things. those are not the actions of a mature individual. sit down with him and talk about it. tell him that his lying and smoking has you on the verge of leaving him. let him decide whether his marriage is worth saving. dont bully or trick him into doing this. it has to be his decision.

Somebody drank my Actimels and they all denied it

Off to the workhouse with the lot of 'em!!!

OP are you going to give up on any of your children if they lie to you in the future? Because children and teenagers especially do tell lies you know Are you going to put them in care or just kick 'em out? I suppose they can always go and live with dad

That's a good point OP, have you told him about this? Have you said that the marriage is on the verge of over? Or have you gone and sat upstairs and brooded.

You do realise he lies to you because you pressurise him about something he is either unwilling or unable to do? And because you issue hysterical ultimatums to try to get your own way?

You can whoever you want with you during labour, it's your right to do so. I just wouldn't expect your husband to be waiting for you when you and the baby get home.

Incidentally why is this suddenly such a deal breaker? This is your fourth child. You knew you were married to a smoker. What's changed?

I very rarely post on AIBU threads but YAB so utterly U that I can't help myself. If you are genuinely saying that the only problem in your relationship is that your dh smokes, and then will not admit it to you except under interrogation, then I find your intention to behave in this way completely inexcusable.

I suppose we are just incompatible. I hate his smoking and won't accept being lied to several times a week and he sees nothing wrong with either. I have previously suggested marriage counselling but he would not agree to it. There is not much left I can do.

He smokes. He was a smoker when you got together. He was a smoker 8 years ago.

He clearly doesn't smoke near you now - given that he thinks he can hide it. Apart from smelling of smoke, what impact does it have on you such that you would consider breaking up the family because of it?

The smell - he can shower/change clothes.

The reason he is lying is because you are so completely unreasonably trying to force him into a decision he does not wish to make. You are trying to bend him to your will. You are manipulating him.

If the lying is the problem, then why not just make it clear: "If you are going to smoke, it will be outside of the house, away from the children and you must always wash your hands and change you clothes afterwards". Now to my mind that would still be rather dictatorial but surely it is preferable to refusing him access to his newborn child because he's pissing you off.

With regards to your fear that he will die. Well he might not. He might. He might have got cancer as a non-smoker. He might get run over by a bus tomorrow. To my mind it would be insane to break up your family on the basis that you are worried that he might die of cancer. Would you do the same if there was a family history of heart disease and he was eating junk food? Or if he was diabetic and not following sensible eating?

Sorry there has to be more to this. I adore my DP and it would take a hell of alot more than his weakness for cigarettes to end our relationship. He has tried and failed to give up but at least he is trying. The fact that he lied is probably down to lack of support from OP rather than wanting to be deceitful.

If you want out then just end it, Stop being spineless and using this as an excuse.

BTW are you this controlling and manipulative about everything else he does that you don't like?

YABU

I understand how frustrated you feel by his behaviour and continued smoking, but I think you should base your decision about who is with you at the birth on other things - like who you want to be there and how helpful they will be to you.

I think you need to see the smoking as a separate issue. Remember it is addictive so that probably explains why he lies to you about it when he wouldn't lie about other things.

I think a more joint approach explaining how harmful cigarette smoke can be (is) to new babies (his new baby too !) may be successful if he has a basic desire to give up.

I think you could start by being strict about only smoking outside etc. and definitely not near you and your new baby.

Good luck. HTH

If you even considered tricking him into a doctors appointment, isn't that lying as well?
Is it ok to lie to him about a drs appointment, but not ok for him to lie to you, in fact his lying will cause him to miss the birth of his child but that's ok?

And it ok to lie to the midwife?

So who decides which lies are acceptable? Oh sorry, of course that would be you.

But didn't you hate his smoking when you first got together, or 8 years ago? Or 9 months ago?

I think the smoking is a red herring IMO.