To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

Well done to your DH Maisie. And well done to you to for acknowledging that nagging doesn't help:)

It is a smokescreen for something else wrong in their relationship.

First off, no one has any claim on being at the birth of a baby. He does not get to be there on the sole basis of his biological tie to the baby that is being born. Anyone who is there should be there to support you while you gives birth. If you feel the relationship is so damaged that you will not feel supported by him during labour and birth then no, YANBU.

YABU to threaten it as an ultimatum though, if you feel so betrayed by him lying then the damage is already done, and even if he never even looks at a cigarette again those lies will still have happened, and you will still feel betrayed by them. If this is really about you feeling betrayed, ignored and unsupported then the smoking is irrelevant.

OP the MW who delivers your baby may be a smoker, I know quite a few in the hospital i work at who smoke.

Yanbu.

However, you married a smoker. You have brought 3 children into this world, with a smoker.

It was YOUR choice to do this. LIke it is HIS choice to smoke.

Now you can no longer put up with it, it is also your choice to end the marriage.

I think that's a bit strong hiddenhome - but I do agree that OP should think very carefully about the consequences of her actions with this.

It could well lead to the breakdown of the relationship I agree.

OP has to decide if that's what she wants.

I'm afraid it's not too strong Juggling People need to realise the misery that the family courts can involve when splitting up a family. It's not plain sailing and even the most reasonable people can turn into spitting snakes where their children are involved. It's ugly and there's no getting around it. If the OP thinks she can just split the family up and that her dh will just meekly shuffle away with his packet of cigs in his pocket then she might be in for a rude awakening.

YABU

And I hope that if you do ban him from the birth or from visiting his newborn child in the hospital that you don't expect him to run around after you, fetching and carrying and being loving and supportive of you when you have punished him like this. He would be well within his rights to let you get on with it and manage on your own as he is so clearly expendable

Yabu and spiteful

What is it with all the smoking threads

Is he going to be looking after the other children whilst she's confined in hospital I wonder?

Did anyone see OBEM last week? The young Lithuanian mum who did not want her partner there at the birth? OK I felt sorry for him and he looked very sad being shut out in the corridor, but it was her choice to have her mum there instead. It is only a recent thing in our culture to have dads at the birth and I don't see the big deal in terms of 'what will you tell the children' in the future - mine have never asked about whether their dad was there or not!

On the issue of smoking it is something that also strikes me sometimes when watching that programme - when the partner is going out for cigs while the woman is in labour then coming in to breathe all over her and then the baby - there was even one who had had severe breathing difficulties then the dad came in fresh from a fag-break!

So I can see the OP's point there.

I still think it would not be worth ending the relationship over if it is otherwise satisfactory/good. I would not put pressure on someone to give up smoking, but ask him to commit to not smoking that day, get him some gum/patches spray so he doesn't get irritable. I think you've got into a stand-off situation which is not going to be helpful in any way and you need to rethink and back off a bit.

i agree with hiddenhome. i wouldn't wish going through courts on anyone. it is most definitely not the easy option. it can do alot of irrepairable damage to the relationship between two perfectly decent people.

It goes round in circles Moomin

Week 1: anti dog threads
Week 2: Benefit bashing
Week 3: Smoking
Week 4: All of the above plus extra judginess is allowed especially if it is aimed towards people less fortunate than yourself.

'Remember that the family courts won't be as pleasant as we've been here.'

this is pleasant?!

Where are the PARDS today? Boycotting AIBU, perhaps...

I think the smoking is not the problem here - its the lying.

She isn;t making these threats because he smokes, it because he is lying about the smoking.

week 5: packed lunches
week 6: parent and child spaces
week 7: lift ettiquette

But LieIns the father in OBEM came in as soon as the baby was born. The op has clearly stated he isn't allowed to see her or the baby for the whole time she is in hospital (which could be a few hours or a few days who knows). My dad was not at mine or my brother's birth, it was the norm then and he didn't want to be as much as my mum did not want him there but he did come in and see us as soon as he could.

I don't think it's even about being there at the birth Liein I think it's the splitting up the family that's even worse than that now. I really feel sorry for the kids. Does she realise how difficult it is for children to cope with divorce? If it was for a very good reason like domestic violence, then fair enough, but smoking? Took me 10 years to quit. I have a good dh who tolerated my terrible deviousness.

I was being ironic Mos

I'd rather have my head removed with a rusty fork than go through the family court system again and I did have a good reason to be there

I wonder how the OP would be if he just said 'Yeah, I had a fag, what of it?'

Because I don't think this is about lying (she seems to think it is fine for her to tell lies)

I think it is about control and she is seeking to extend her authority over him, his body and what he can do with it.

And she doesn't care about the damage she would be potentially creating for her children.

week 8 buggy spaces on bus
week 9 mooncups
week 10 wedding woes