To say no?

[Mama1980]

Hi new here just wanting to see if I'm overreacting here :) my brother is getting married in July I have been asked to be chief bridesmaid. Thing is I have scars everywhere I was in a car crash at 27 weeks pregnant my ds thank goodness is fine :) she has chosen long strapless dresses which would expose the scar along my sternum, shoulder blade and neck where I had a central line in plus one on my cheek. She has asked me if I would conceal them for the wedding photos with make up. Now I love my scars they are who I am a reminder of what my body survived, that it protected my baby when drs thought it was hopeless I wear a bikini, children come up and ask me if I was attacked by a shark lol! I never conceal them am I unreasonable to be hurt by this request?

What will you say to her OP?

IMO, if she was thinking about your embarrassment about the scars then she wouldn't ask you to wear a strapless dress.

(Not to mention that strapless dresses suit almost no-one)

I genuinely asked for a qualifying statement about why you understand him wanting her to cover up. You can't give a reasoned arguement and are getting defensive everlong - I don't think anyone is attacking you.

"You should choose your bridesmaids because they mean something to you, if she wants a bunch of plastic mannequins let her buy some for the day"

Totally agree with this Amethyst

Wedding just amaze me, they really do. What is with all the princessy behaviour?

It's like my DB asking me not to let anyone know that I am gay at his wedding. Actually, OP is way braver than that I know but it is a similar situation of denying part of who you are because it is in some way embarrasing to them. It is a horribly disrespectful and insensitive and gutless thing to ask.

"Anybody would think you are out for a fight."

Sorry, have you not been to AIBU before?

Anyway, you are backpedalling so furiously now so I won't ask you to go any further :)

"It's like my DB asking me not to let anyone know that I am gay at his wedding."

OP I see exactly where you are coming from. My DP has a massive scar from under the left side of his chest and round his back from heart surgery he had many many years ago (thanks to modern surgery I think it could be done through much less intrusive surgery now) he has no issues taking his top off on hols etc and is very happy to say "this scar is why I am still here". I do understand there is little chance he'd be asked to be bridesmaid in a dress that would reveal his chest area lol, but he is unapologetic about it and so he should be and so should you. Many more people have scars that you can't see.

But you haven't given your reason, have you?

You've said you agree with the OP's brother, and that maybe he's embarrassed by her scars but also that you don't know.

An AIBU where we all agreed? Justine would be out of business surely.

I'm afraid I totally disagree that the brother being embarrassed is a valid reason though.

We'll have to agree to disagree amicably.

(How's that for polite and reasonable discussion).

Oh god, at first I thought you were going to ask if you should say no to being a bridesmaid because it was a strapless bra, but my jaw literally fell when I read more...I honestly cannot believe the cheek of the bride of-course you are not being unreasonable, but you should tell the bride exactly why you aren't, and how rude and inappropriate she was to ask!

I don't think she's being unreasonable or unkind. I think she is accepting you for who you are and that because you are so confident you have given a "message" that you would be OK with it. I think she has been fantastic; and I think you are fantastic too. I think she doesn't realise how vulnerable you feel and has tried to make you feel totally at one and to be totally accepted. I think you need to be honest and say you feel self conscious. She sounds kind to me. Could you suggest that the bridesmaid's dresses have chiffon insets to help you feel more confident.

There was a dress with chiffony overlays on here a week or two ago and it was utterly beautiful.

Oh god it's almost a love in now - where's the buns

Everlong Can I just point out the it was DSIL (to be) not DB that has asked to cover up the scars.

I also think the OP is def def not BU! I'd be so hurt to be asked to do that. I'm also in awe of you for being so proud of the experiences that made you you. :)

married

sorry, I don't buy this at all. If she was accepting of her she wouldn't ask her to cover the scars

Oh, and the OP doesn't feel vulnerable

I agree with those who say to check there's not a bit of a misunderstanding here. They may have wanted you to be a bridesmaid but worried that you would not feel comfortable wearing a dress that would reveal the scars, then suggested that you could cover the scars with make-up if you were uncomfortable rather than not be a bridesmaid.

I have a scar on my shoulder from surgery and my husband suggested I could cover it with make-up when we were going to a swanky do and I was wearing a slinky, strappy dress (to celebrate fitting into it again after a pregnancy). It sounded at the time as if he was either embarrassed by the scar or thought other people would be uncomfortable. I asked him which it was and he said neither. He thought I might be worried about showing my scar and he'd be happy to help me cover the scar rather than not wear the dress (the wearing of which he knew was important to me).

If your brother and fiancé are worried about their own feelings about seeing your scars, then you surely know YANBU.

You should leave the bitch and never speak to her ever again for being controlling and emotionally abusive.

Oh wait... this is a bridezilla thread not a leave the bastard thread.

Sorry, I missed the bit about her asking you to conceal your scars. No, that is unacceptable. You are you - she accepts you for what you are or not at all. I would be proud to have you as you are, as a fantastic woman and as a friend, and as a real woman who has lived and learned and hurt a little if I were to get married again and want you for my bridesmaid.

I think you should politely decline and just say that actually she accepts you as you are as a bridesmaid or as a guest in what you want to wear. Be utterly gracious and save your tears over this for private.

Nasty, thoughtless, discriminatory behaviour.

I'm so sorry for my post above.

Everlong
So, you think the db/dsil is embarrassed?
You said you agree with him.
Would you be embarrassed about someone else's scars at your wedding, then

Marriedinwhite, your post really really confused me, have you posted on the wrong thread? If not, then to the sil being "fantastic" at asking the op to cover up the proof of her survival.

Am I the only person who thinks married has completely got this all the wrong way round in that last post 21.09??

op, you rock!! tell her to shove the makeup where the cameras won't see it!!