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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no?

164 replies

Mama1980 · 06/03/2012 20:12

Hi new here just wanting to see if I'm overreacting here :) my brother is getting married in July I have been asked to be chief bridesmaid. Thing is I have scars everywhere I was in a car crash at 27 weeks pregnant my ds thank goodness is fine :) she has chosen long strapless dresses which would expose the scar along my sternum, shoulder blade and neck where I had a central line in plus one on my cheek. She has asked me if I would conceal them for the wedding photos with make up. Now I love my scars they are who I am a reminder of what my body survived, that it protected my baby when drs thought it was hopeless I wear a bikini, children come up and ask me if I was attacked by a shark lol! I never conceal them am I unreasonable to be hurt by this request?

OP posts:

everlong · 06/03/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 06/03/2012 20:29

But why do you agree evrlong? (genuinely don't understand)

DustyDen · 06/03/2012 20:30

Wow. No, you are not being unreasonable.

Clytaemnestra · 06/03/2012 20:31

No problem with you disagreeing, that's what AIBU is for. But I genuinely can't understand why someone would ask the OP to cover her scars, when the OP is totally comfortable with them, so was hoping you could give me that insight.

legoballoon · 06/03/2012 20:31

Show your brother this thread. It's never to late to cancel a wedding, and cheaper than a divorce in the long run!

You sound like a brave and positive woman, and your son is lucky to have you as a mother.

spartafc · 06/03/2012 20:35

YANBU.
YABAAI (you are being amazing and inspirational. It's not an acronym I've used before )

desperatenotstupid · 06/03/2012 20:36

everlong - are you real????

The only thing i can say in defence of what sounds like the SIL from hell, is maybe just maybe she isn't aware that you are comfortable with your scars and didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, in some sort of irrational way and then worded it all wrong? Just a teeeeny prospect of redemption for her??

If that is not the case, tell her to fuck the fuck off - i have tattoos, i put them there, if someone told me they wanted me to cover them in order to be their bridesmaid, i would say, fuck the fuck off im very sorry but my tattoos are part of me, they are important to me and if that is a problem for you i wont be offended if you get another bridesmaid and choke on your wedding cake

everlong · 06/03/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mama1980 · 06/03/2012 20:37

Oh wow thank you all so much for your opinions, I just was worried that I'd lost perspective maybe. I will definitely tell her that this is just not a option. I don't think she meant to be insulting she just doesn't understand that I truly don't give them a second thought. I don't have much experience with weddings so thanks for reassuring me this request is not ok

OP posts:

hellhasnofury · 06/03/2012 20:37

Why would the scars need covering? YANBU, but I think you are an inspiration.

Clytaemnestra · 06/03/2012 20:39

But you're still not saying WHY?

Is it because you find scars ugly and don't think other people should be subjected to them?

Also you seem to have missed OP said she has one on her cheek, maybe the bride should have picked dresses with built in face coverings/a bag on her head?

everlong · 06/03/2012 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

desperatenotstupid · 06/03/2012 20:45

Thing is, the OP is not sensitive about her scars, just incredulous that her SIL wants them covered. Incidentally, there are some brilliant make ups available and training from the red cross to help people who are not happy with their scars for what ever reason to cover them up. (Just wanted to plug the red cross service there!)

Mama1980 Just do a search on here for Bridezillas and you will see how such precious little madams are given short thrift on mumsnet. As you say, maybe she was genuinely concerned that you would feel self concious as in all honesty, some people might be, so just put her straight and say you are really proud of your scars and they are who you are, if she doesnt like it, she can do one!

And yes, i would like to add to the inspirational vote - you are brilliant.

PS: I hope that you dont tell the children it was a shark attack, that is soo last year, wrestling crocodiles sounds better

DoMeDon · 06/03/2012 20:45

I am thinking why he would too and I can't think of a reason

everlong · 06/03/2012 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy · 06/03/2012 20:47

crockduck - "Wow!! I was expecting you to say..."I am too embarrassed/shy to wear the strapless dress, what can I do?" - so I am mahoosively impressed with you" - Me too! I was expecting the same, because I suppose most people would want to cover them up, BUT if you feel the way you do, then it's your body!

It's just that most people would want to cover them. It's not a comment on you,more a social 'taboo' (one that needs changing, before I get flamed) and maybe that's why they suggested you coverthem. For your peace of mind,not theirs?

Clytaemnestra · 06/03/2012 20:48

everlong - you said

"I can also see why your db has asked you to cover up and if I'm honest I have to agree with him."

So, you can think of why the DB has asked her to cover up. And you agree with that reason.

What was the reason? Because I just can't understand it.

Mrsjay · 06/03/2012 20:49

YANBU I would tell her to get to .... your scars your Business say no i wont cover them up .

fuzzpig · 06/03/2012 20:49

How nasty and insensitive.

I am a bridesmaid in a few weeks and my friend wouldn't dream of making me cover up my multitude of scars (self harm) - they are part of me.

Shockingly tactless.

MardyBra · 06/03/2012 20:53

Clytaemnestra - I agree. Everlong is being very evasive about WHY.

YellowDinosaur · 06/03/2012 20:54

YANBU. I too wonder whether what the bride really meant was 'if you're awkward about the fact this dress will show all your scars maybe you could cover them with makeup' but worded it wrongly.

If she's usually a good person I would give her the benefit of the doubt and explain to her that your scars are part of who you are just as much as your face, and you don't feel right about not being who you are. But that if she wants to choose a different dress or a wrap or something similar for all the bridesmaids you will happily wear whatever she likes.

everlong · 06/03/2012 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyBra · 06/03/2012 20:56

at everling. it's AIBU. There are buns strategically positioned all around for us to start flinging at each other.

ElectricSoftParade · 06/03/2012 20:56

YANBU at all.

at bitten by a shark. I was in a car accident and have major scarring and a large chunk of my calf missing and have been asked the same. Makes me laugh now, although it took me a couple of years to feel happy showing my scars, I do it without a thought now.

Love your attitude .

MardyBra · 06/03/2012 20:58

Whoops everlong I mean. Would you be embarrassed by a scarred bridesmaid though? And do you think it is acceptable to be embarrassed in such a way? Especially when the bridesmaid has such a positive attitude about them.

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