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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:

Maryz · 28/02/2012 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triggles · 28/02/2012 22:35

lifesalongsong " "not that complicated", a 600 mile round trip for 2 small children in two days with an overseas trip in between.

You're a better woman than me "

Guess it all depends on how badly she wants to go to the wedding. Why should everyone else be doing the running around for her? She wants to go, she needs to sort out a solution and that may involve doing some running around. It's all a matter of priorities.

squeakytoy · 28/02/2012 22:36

There is always the option that the parent who is closest to the bride/groom goes, and the other parent stays at home...

lisaro · 28/02/2012 22:37

How entitled are you, OP? You are being so U. The world doesn't revolve around you.

QuintessentialyHollow · 28/02/2012 22:38

Could the children stay with your parents, and PIL take a taxi to babysit on saturday (when your parents are out) and taxi back after? (I am sure a cabfare is cheaper that foregoing tickets or overnight sitters).

However, anybody could babysit for a few hours at your parents house?

At 2 and 6, they are not too young for a new babysitter for the first time. Providing your parents are happy about this solution.

In any event, it is just in case your inlaws cant.

janinamc · 28/02/2012 22:42

YANBU- not sure what your relationship is like with them but I would definitely try and explain to them how this has made you feel and ask them to reconsider. You have nothing to lose and I hope you get it sorted out. Families eh?

blackeyedsusan · 28/02/2012 22:50

joins amazing bouncing ferret on the fence...

generally, I would say no they shouldn't, but given the circumstances, I would hope that they help out.

think you are going to have to find someway round it by calling for a favour from friends.

Salmotrutta · 28/02/2012 23:01

I fully appreciate the "Grandparenst have done their child-rearing" sentiment.
Of course I do - I am one.
But I must be unusually fortunate or something - my parents and PILs were always very happy to help (and I don't get on very well with MIL).
I pay that forward to my DD and SIL.
I will pay it forward to my DS and any future DIL too.

QuintessentialyHollow · 28/02/2012 23:04

It goes both ways though.

If grandparents are not willing to help out their adult children once in a while, they cannot expect their adult children to help them out that much should they need a favour.... They might not need it now, but in ten years from now, when one of them might need an op, and the other a lift to hospital, etc.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 28/02/2012 23:06

Salmo you sound lovely.... Can you be my adopted MIL? My kids are fab, I promise

pinkyp · 28/02/2012 23:08

Yabu

brdgrl · 28/02/2012 23:11

Another example of selfish friends who want to marry abroad ("Oh, but it's soooo much cheaper..." for you maybe, hideous for all your guests)
ok, not the point of the OP, but this is more than a bit U itself! Maybe the friend and/or her husband-to-be lives overseas, or is from overseas and wants to be married in their home country. The OP doesn't say, so the 'selfishness' is an assumption on your part.

Anyway. OP, I usually would say YABU to grown adults people who feel entitled to unequivocal support from their parents - but I don't think that applies here. You asked, they said they'd help if you really needed it, now you may really need it due to circumstances beyond your control (your MIL's operation), and you have said, at least, that the theatre event is not of extraordinary significance to them. If that is a fair summation of things - if there is not something else going on here - then I think YANBU to be upset.

Salmotrutta · 28/02/2012 23:11

Quintessential - spot on. We help both sets of parents when required. They raised us and cared for us.

Chocolate - . I love my son-in-law, he's a top bloke and just "right" for DD. I just think we all need to help each other out a bit. It makes me sad that some parents/PIL are missing out a bit and not being supportive.

veryconfusedatthemoment · 28/02/2012 23:13

I don't get much help with DS (aged 6) from parents and now ex-ILs. Last year I had a wonderful opportunity which I was determined to get to so asked a local mature babysitter (CRB checked & worked at one of the local nurseries) to come and stay the night. It was a school day so she had to pick up and take DS to school as well. It was expensive but probably no more than using an agency babysitting service where you pay a fee and minimum hours. You could try similar for the night your parents are at the theatre.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 28/02/2012 23:46

QHollow I think the OP has already said that the ILs live over 300 miles away, so I think a cab fare may be more than their flights to the wedding!

OP I am usually in the "don't expect support automatically from GP" camp but on this occasion I would hope that some grovelling and explanation of costs would result in them helping you out. Otherwise, I think one of you goes and one stays with the little ones. 6 and 2 is too young for unknown agency type babysitter IMO.

Scuttlebutter · 28/02/2012 23:48

I'm utterly baffled why OP can't use an agency babysitter for the night of the theatre trip with her parents covering the rest of the weekend. Agency staff can be CRB checked and you could specify someone with First Aid, or childcare quals, so not just some random teen from the street. You've still got four weeks so why not use them for a couple of times in the run up to the event to allow your DC to get used to them.

goingmadinthecountry · 28/02/2012 23:57

Welcome to being a parent! Over 18years and 4 children I have found that my needs rarely come first.

Have you offered to pay for parents' tickets and promise them a night out at a show in London including a hotel overnight to make up for putting them out? Because that's probably what I'd do. And throw in dinner for good measure. My lovely dad would probably give up his night out without question anyway, but I'd never ask him to do so.

BackforGood · 29/02/2012 00:05

lifesalongsong - no-one's suggesting a local teenager babysits for the whole time the parents are away you 'nana just while the Grandparents are at the theatre on the one evening.
We've always used local teenagers (and live in a wild, scarey, big bad city). Of course we don't put notes in shop windows. Over the years, we've used : our CM's dd
couple of youngsters from our Church
a teenager who helped out with swimming lessons the dcs had
next door neighbour
a friend's recommended and trusted sitter
someone we know through Scouts
a student working with dh (she might have been 21)

A lot of people on here suggest asking at the local Nursery if any of the staff fancy a bit of babysitting in the evening - you know they are trained and experienced.

mumbaisapphire · 29/02/2012 00:07

YANBU to be annoyed that your plans for childcare appear to have been de-railed. But you have to face facts and start finding a plan B.

Why is the in-law option completely out? Yes they are 300 miles away, and you say FIL can't drive, but why can't you drive the kids there?

The better option as others have said would be to get your Mum & Dad to babysit them for the weekend and just arrange for a professional sitter to be with them whilst your parents are at the theatre. It won't be overnight, they are professionals and well to be honest I don't think you've got an option. You should at least investigate the costs. Are you really prepared to miss out on the wedding because you didn't phone and find out.

The last option is a friend - surely you have another Mum friend you can call on in your hour of need. Is there really no-one that couldn't sit for them for the few hours your parents are at the theatre. Really no one at all?

doinmummy · 29/02/2012 00:25

Where abouts are you??? I'll babysit {smile}

doinmummy · 29/02/2012 00:26

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/02/2012 07:32

Sounds like we have the same parents, OP! Mine would do something like that.

Ephiny · 29/02/2012 07:46

I'm afraid YABU really, I can see it's a frustrating situation, but your parents have their own lives and interests, and now you're an adult you can't expect their lives to revolve around you and your wishes. It's not as though it's an emergency - you have 4 weeks to arrange a paid babysitter from an agency or similar (or there are some good alternative suggestions on here).

GrendelsMum · 29/02/2012 07:55

I can understand that to you the theatre trip may not seem a big deal, but presumably your parents are quite keen to see the play - and I'm guessing that they've spent a lot on the tickets, which are never cheap, and that the play is on for a limited period only.

Why don't you see if you can buy alternative tickets in more expensive seats, for the previous or following weekend? Of course, they may be going with friends or want to attend an after-show talk, etc, but I think that would be a good compromise.

lifesalongsong · 29/02/2012 08:16

OK, it seems that I've misunderstood, I thought the OP meant that the theatre trip was stopping her parents being able to babysit at all and that she needed an alternative for the whole weekend.

But, even if she just needs someone for the overnight I still don't think its a good idea to get someone who the children don't know when their parents are out of the country and they already have the unusual situation of being looked after by the grandparents. From memory my 2 year old would not have coped well with this at all nor with a 300 mile car journey twice in a few days. I just don't see either of theses as workable solutions.

OP - can you clarify, how far away do your parents live and is it just the overnight they can't do.

Also, OP has said she doesn't have much money, paying for theatre trips to London with dinner is surely going to cost more than going to the wedding on the cheap.

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