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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my parents won't cancel their theatre trip & babysit?

301 replies

lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 20:45

DH & I have been invited to best friend's wedding overseas. We can't afford/didn't want to take our DC so before accepting we spoke to both sets of parents to see if they could babysit DC for the 2 days & 1 night we'd be away. My parents said they had the theatre booked on the saturday night but if we were stuck could try & rearrange or cancel (they go at least once a month if not more & finance wouldn't be the issue) but DH's parents were happy to come & stay so we accepted the invite & booked our flights.

It's now 4 weeks until wedding & MIL called earlier to say she's been put on a waiting list for a minor op that if it went ahead before the wedding (quite possible) would prevent her coming as she can't drive for 6 weeks afterwards & there's no way they can get here any other way. So, I called my parents to explain but they're now saying they can't baby-sit as they're going out. I asked if they could reschedule but they said no. End of conversation. So, we might not be able to go to the wedding & if we do cancel, it could be very short notice so no chance of refunds not to mention very unhappy bride Angry

So AIBU to be totally fucked off that my parents won't cancel some crappy theatre 'do' & help us out?

OP posts:
Juule · 28/02/2012 22:10

That post was to aniseeda.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/02/2012 22:10

Can PIL take public transport if MIL can't drive on the day?

Triggles · 28/02/2012 22:11

There's a big difference between asking her parents to help (which she did, they initially offered to cancel their plans, but she apparently told them it was covered) and this situation. The OP has now decided she wants them to cancel their plans and be on "standby" in case the ILs can't babysit. It's ridiculously inconsiderate of the OP to expect this.

They were apparently perfectly willing to help out initially. They simply now are not happy to be jerked around by the OP, cancelling their plans, possibly unnecessarily as it's debatable whether the MIL will even get through the waiting list in 4 wks anyway. So they could have cancelled their plans for nothing.

Do you or your DH drive, OP? If they can't drive, then make arrangements to take your children to your ILs or pick them up the day prior and do the return the day after you get back. Not that complicated really.

lifesalongsong · 28/02/2012 22:12

x-posts OP

I can't see a way round it, I'd be annoyed too in your situation OP but I think you're going to have to hope the operation doesn't happen before the wedding.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 28/02/2012 22:12

PIL is really too frail to look after to lively children let alone travel across central london on his own.

OP posts:
Aribura · 28/02/2012 22:13

Absolutely being unreasonable. I'm sorry, but they're your children and ultimately your responsibility, not your parents'.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 28/02/2012 22:13

salmo I'm with you... I also happen to be in a minority who think we should support out parents in their old age, too - financially, emotionally, etc. But it's going to be hard doing this for my ILs - who actually said to us the last time we asked them to babysit: 'No one did this for us, why should we do this for you?' Sad. My mum, on the other hand, is completely fantastic and helps when she can (we actually live 5,000 miles from ILS and 10,000 miles from parents so 'help' from both sets of parents is obviously limited by distance!) But the attitude is so different.

I hope, in my heart, I will be able to help my ILs when they need it, but TBH I'm going to find it hard to overlook their refusal to do almost anything for us now. Definitely of the 'we did our bit' generation.

Honestly - to those of you on here who hope to be grandparents in the future - do you really think you would refuse to help your own family?!

OP - you are SO not being U.....

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 28/02/2012 22:14

YANBU - I would feel awful asking, especially after turning down their previous offer, but I know that if I did ask they would do it.

Do you think your parents are bristling after you choosing the inlaws?

Do they know you have already paid for the flights etc?

lifesalongsong · 28/02/2012 22:15

triggles - "not that complicated", a 600 mile round trip for 2 small children in two days with an overseas trip in between.

You're a better woman than me Grin

TotemPole · 28/02/2012 22:15

Out of all the people involved, it would be easier for the parents to reorganise their theatre trip.

skybluepearl · 28/02/2012 22:18

why don't you offer to rebook and pay for their theatre tickets for another weekend so they bdon't lose out

skybluepearl · 28/02/2012 22:20

haven't you any friends you could do a swap with - they have your kids for a weekend and then you have thiers another weekend?

Maryz · 28/02/2012 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aribura · 28/02/2012 22:21

Would I refuse to help my own family if they asked? No.

Would I refuse to help my family if they needed my help, then didn't because someone else can, they oh wait maybe, then no, then yes we do, I think...

YES.

Aribura · 28/02/2012 22:22

Hello Mumsnet, it's everyone's favourite word again: ENTITLED, ENTITLED, ENTITLED. The world revolves around you!

GnomeDePlume · 28/02/2012 22:24

I agree Chocolate, we were abroad when DCs were small but GPs helped where they could. We are now back in the UK, GPs and DCs are older and we are glad to help where we can. This isnt about making huge personal sacrifices it is just normal family relations (and I'm actually not that big on extended family!).

Triggles · 28/02/2012 22:28

Chocolate - actually, DH & I are grandparents (our 27 and 25yo each have children) and we still have a 5yo and 2yo at home. DH's mother lives locally as well. So we can see it both from the parent and the grandparent perspective.

Our older children know that we are happy to babysit for the grandchildren if we have nothing else already going on, but we are not going to cancel plans for a regular social event. We have the right to a life as well, and I think that rearranging your life around your adult child's social plans is a bad precedent to set. It's all about respecting that we have a right to our own life and plans, and that they are ultimately responsible for making arrangements for their children. They also know that if there is an actual emergency (involving illness, injury, car problems, etc) that we will babysit if needed (and have done).

MIL is elderly and is unable to babysit both children at once (due to DS2's SNs). She is uncomfortable driving at night, so never babysits at night, unless she stays overnight or we pick her up and drive her home afterwards. So basically, the only time we take her up on her offers to babysit are when it's just DS3, for short periods of time, such as during DS2's medical appointments. We would never expect her to cancel her plans. Even in emergency situations, if one of us has to stay home, while the other goes to some event, then that's what we do. And we did do this recently when DH's best friend got married out of town. DH went, and I stayed home with the children, as no childcare was available for the entire weekend of the wedding.

Asking them to help is one thing, asking them to be "on call" for babysitting duties for something that is not an emergency is quite another.

lifesalongsong · 28/02/2012 22:28

Many times on here I've read people suggesting getting local teens to babysit.

Do I live in a really weird place? I just can't imagine how this happens, how do you find these creatures and if you manage to find one how many teens would be able to look after a 2 year old for 2 days? I could barely look after my own 2 year old and I'd had 2 years experience Grin

Do you just put a card in the local newsagents, leave the country and cross your fingers that they don't have a wild party?

I need to move to where you live Maryz, its sounds really friendly.

SparkyUK · 28/02/2012 22:28

Haven't read the thread but my family is of the would-help-family-no-matter-what-camp. Unfortunately I moved overseas and don't get to take them up on their generosity as much as we would all like. BUT, is it a solution to ask them to babysit for the weekend but get someone else (paid babysitter or friend) just to babysit for the evening so they can go to their precious show?

EauDeLaPoisson · 28/02/2012 22:29

You can but they are called Rita and Sue. If your husband is called Bob I suggest you drop them back home yourself Wink

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 28/02/2012 22:29

Thanks, Gnome! On a tangential note: I really wish we had compulsory voluteer service in this country, to normalize the attitude that we all help who we can, when we can. It's not about being entitled, actually the reverse, it's about us all Doing Our Bit (God, is that straight from WW11 or what?!)

Portofino · 28/02/2012 22:31

Well looking at the price of theatre tickets, as I did this weekend Shock I would not be cancelling at short notice either..

Maryz · 28/02/2012 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 28/02/2012 22:33

Triggles hat off to you.... I hope I will be as lovely with my DGC when the time comes (and I do totally get your point about not being always on call - the DC really aren't your responsibility - it's more the attitude, IYSWIM?)

Lifesalongsong cos we live overseas and DH works long hours (also cos we can afford it) we regularly use student babysitters. Our current one is from the local college, currently doing her Masters in Child Ed. I couldn't recommend her more highly! Unfortunately, you can only pinch her from me if you live in Berkeley, CA Wink

We also ask the teenager across the road to sit for us for evenings when we've put the DC down. Minimal rates and her mother's obviously just across the street if an emergency arises.

Have you tried setting up a local babysitting co-op? Before we moved we did this and it worked really well - friend and I swapped kids once a week to give each other an afternoon off. Was great!

Maryz · 28/02/2012 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.